ramblings of an overworked mind

MEMORIES

2011-08-10T10:34:00.001+05:30

sitting in my office,as i looked out of the windows,the everlasting skies beckoned me to take a walk down the path of bygone times.i decided to take the offer.

As the drifting clouds induced me with peace.....i started sketching my memories on its soft canvas....

what is it about memories?

they always have a tinge of innocence about them,that we feel we have lost,when we look back........

the people,in the memory, take on a magical property...a feel of wistfulness,a sensation that if you reach out to touch,they will become fairy dust.

the place where the incident occurs,is hazy to remember,frayed on the edges,however the "feel"of that place is sharp...

you can remember the feel of the sky,the air buzzing around you,viewing world through "Sepia" mode......

it is a weird combination of senses assaulting you,by rushing towards you,but the moment you expect them to hit you,with full force,the recede back....leaving you hollow.......

memories assault me at times when i am completely unprepared for it...

a song which leaves me with a lump in my throat,

a sight which transports me back to a time when life was spent without the worry of time or life leaving you behind......

something on the television reminding me of someone....

a smell,which i personally believe,induces the strongest sense of nostalgia.....is enough for an etching sadness to settle in me about the irony...of time...which as an entity is forever,but as sections is lived and then lost......only to survive as vague memories in your mind.................

on a happier note,i will totally accept that these are the same memories which induce you with peace,that you have a legacy to pass on,a treasure trove to dip into,which helps you connect to people.

memories form the basis of that extra sense,which is the intuition which makes you like/dislike people the moment you meet them,the unknown logic which makes you react instinctively.........the call from incarnations gone by and incarnations to come....of lessons learnt in past lives.....and lives to come.........that undescribable sixth sense...

i will conclude my abstract article with the saying....

"time moves in one direction......memories in the other"

signing out,

ice princess.

notes from Bangalore

2011-07-21T19:05:00.000+05:30

New city,new job,new people……

an ideal scenario for nostalgia to breed and overwhelm….

so as my first post from Bangalore,am writing what i miss about Mumbai and this is my tribute to the city of my childhood,memories and yearnings.

apart from my family and friends,these are some abstract things i miss about Mumbai.

1. i sorely miss the local trains of mumbai. though half of the time you have to fight and push to get inside,it is one of the most convenient way of transport i have ever experienced.

the past seven years,travelling in the local trains of Mumbai has been a treasure trove of experience!!

right from,shopping for everything under the sun,to helpful aunties,to tremendous fights and peaceful travel with the familiar scenery going by outside the window…….i have seen it all and enjoyed it!!

2.i miss the monsoon walk in marine drive…with the waves lashing the rocks and spraying you with tiny diamonds of seawater and the rain drizzling…..it is one of those moments which will inspire a cauldron of emotions in you,leaving you overwhelmed!!

3.i miss the bargain shopping i am so accustomed to….spending worthwhile hours going through trinkets and clothes and the goodnatured haggling with shopkeepers. such shopping always leaves me so satisfied!!

4.i miss the rickshaw waalas there who may not be all honest,but atleast fight decently.

5.i miss vadapav,samosapav,bhelpuri,paanipuri,paavbhaji,golas and every possible food you get on the roadside there.

these are some of the things that make up my Mumbai.

i miss the warmth of the city of my childhood,the sense of belonging and my people.

i know after a few years here,i will learn to love this city too.

but the recent blasts in Mumbai left me feeling so sad and helpless,as if i cannot do anything for my city,the city with such a rich culture and history,the city which allows people to dream and sustains it for them,the financial capital of our country,the city which has always given without limits,a city abused and used by the wrong people for wrong things,the city that makes me feel safe,a city which makes me yearn to go home to it.

signing off on that note,

nostalgic and sad…

ice-sad-ness.....

memoirs from a distant land-the finale

2011-06-01T12:14:00.001+05:30

well,here i am,writing the final part of my Kerala series,as i will be leaving this lush land of memories pretty soon.

since this is as random as all my posts..i will just mention the things and feelings i associate with my native land.

1. apart from nostalgia and memories,there are some things that will never change here.that is the variety of "prasadam"(offering to deities) that is always present at home,
payasam,panchamrutum,appam,yum yum....
if the offerings by family isn't enough friends and family always drop in with more.

and the best part is just coming guys.....the amount of mangoes and jackfruit that we eat plus all forms and relatives of these fruits ranging from..mango in sugar syrup,salt mangoes,jams,jellies,pickles,sun dried and rain picked.....
walk any lane in my native town,you will invariably be walking under the canopy of mangoes and jackfruits...........

2.my dad's native land is one of the small islands dotting the coastline of Kerala.
when i was a kid,we used to go there by sea,its an awesome sight,the coastline of Kerala during the monsoons,any mallu worth his salt will tell you that.
the smells and sight that i associate with them....are so unique....a blend of times gone by......and the present times.....

nowadays,there are bridges connecting these islands...a drive through them is like flying over the backwaters for which this land is famous for........nature and technology go hand in hand here...as coconut trees are interspersed by cargo ships and Chinese fishing nets.......

3.there are certain temples i always visit here every time i come here....
one of them is a temple dedicated to the Serpent deities.
nestled in between backwaters,this mysterious temple,takes me to another time altogether.
this time it was drizzling as i reached there.....the gentle lapping of the waves against the shore.....the rustling of the coconut trees,the rise and fall of cicadas chirping,the fertile smell of land meeting water,the foggy horizon over sea....and the lush foliage surrounding the temple......the serpent idols and the wind whispering about ancient harmonies existing long eons even before the origin of mankind.......raised goosebumps on my skin.....
.
4.the last one is the wedding in my family.......leaving me with a feeling of so much security and well being of being a part of a legacy which existed before me and will exist long after me.......

i conclude this series by repeating that whatever said and done..this land has ties to my soul.......and will always.......

signing off,
iceprincess.

memoirs from a distant land-part two

2011-05-17T10:58:00.000+05:30

there is technically nothing distant as"distance" where my native land is concerned...but somehow when i reach here....the memories associated with this place and the echoes of bygone times makes me feel i am nothing but a short time visitor to another time...this weird feeling is the basis of the tug and pull of warring emotions inside me...wanting to be here...but still craving for the security of my life in Mumbai.

now,that the title of my blog is clear..i will pick up my random comments again..

i have always felt that a city's elves and fairies come out and sprinkle stardust all over their city only at night..when the bustle of the morning and the dust of the afternoon give way to twilight..that elusive time..which induces so much longing and nostalgia in you....tempting you with glimpses of paths untraveled and dreams not followed......these magic guys....twirl around and wrap the city in their magic warp ......

i say this because of two incidents...
let me tell you that my native town..is a town nestled in backwaters..... a town with a rich culture and long royal history....the capital of one the erstwhile royalties of Kerala...a place which still stands in the shadows of its history....
my town was honoured with a "mall" just recently....and we went on a family outing there one evening...i
went with an open mind..but let me tell you..i had my fair share of doubts about a"mall" in my town...
imagine my surprise....when i encountered customer paging systems in their food courts..and automatic taps,all possible brand names.....
that night...while going back home.....winding through the small lanes...with the car radio playing ghazals.....i was aware of that keen emotion..of being in the no man's land of pride over my town's development and a sense of loss of innocence....and the silken night sky above...echoed my sense nostalgia...

the second incident was not of nostalgia...but a feeling of supreme well being......the night before
"Thrissur Pooram"

for my fellow bloggers who do not know about this festival.....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrissur_Pooram

one night before the "Pooram" we walked "the walk"......taking in the festivities.....the shops...the people..the elephants..the lights...it was as if the town was bedecked like a bride...awaiting the day of her wedding....
walking through the magic of "pooram eve"....i was filled with such a sense of well being ...as if someone was truly watching over me and would never let anything go wrong with my life....
i was sure,,that if i looked for it...i could really see my magic people....twirling and vanishing in the crowd of people......
all said and done.....my journey continues,,in this land.....and i will be back with more.....
till then......
goodbye..

ice-nightmagic-ness.

memoirs from a distant land-part one

2011-05-04T12:11:00.000+05:30

i used to think keeping a diary was overrated,but now,not only do i keep an every day type diary but am seriously considering exercising my hand with the help of a pen,somehow i used to consider blogger my personal diary...but away from 24*7 Internet connection i feel your simple pen and paper work better...

so here goes some ramblings ..from my native land......

when i think of a diary nowadays...i see it as a companion......

a companion to the girl...as she sits late at night..before going to bed..hair oiled and tied up...and some gooey stuff on her face..looking scary in order to look pretty in the long term...sitting on her bed..and scribbling away to glory......

a companion to the girl.....on her way to her native land..in the train...as the wind whips her hair onto her face and lashes away at the pages of her diary.....as she looks out dreamily making up some poetic rhetoric....

a companion whom she misses terribly when some beautiful thoughts....or some dreadful thoughts......occur to her...in the course of her day.....a companion who never judges her...but allows her to be...and never ditches her....

a companion to whom even the thoughts which she can never express...or understand completely makes complete sense....

a companion who allows her to laugh at herself....when she reads the things she had written before....
a guardian and witness of the passage of time.....through which her thoughts..evolve,grow..and maybe at times even mutate.....

thus..i start this series.....which i don't know,,,when and how i will complete....maybe the next time i access my dad's office computer...but still will try to be regular...and write what i feel from my native land..my birthplace...at times i try my best to run away from...but which will always have some mysterious ties to my soul..and will always pull me back....and howmuchever i deny its right on me...will always wholeheartedly offer me solace and peace...some old,ancient pull ...in place long before my time....which cannot be described in words......

signing out....

ice-weird-ness.....

the man

2011-03-21T18:24:00.001+05:30

note: this is a warning..highly mushy stuff ahead,be ready to slip and lose your heart...

What do you search for in your life partner? the elusive “x” factor making him different from all the other men in your life….I don’t know about people in general…but I can try to put into words what I feel I search for as I my eyes wander towards the horizon searching for prince charming to appear on his noble horse!

The concept of prince charming…tall, dark, handsome.well...tall is appealing and dark is mysterious….handsome doesn’t matter at all….there is something about life which makes it perfect…the thing is imperfection. When you look at someone and see their imperfection and realize that you love that person just the same or maybe more for it...that's when u realize the extent of your love for yourself, that’s when you are able to forgive yourself, the world and every small and big things wrong in your life and are able to move on, its through these imperfections in yourself and others that you glimpse the perfection of life.so..Physical perfection isn’t too big a deal; character perfection is what it is all about.

He should be rich in the simple treasures of life….integrated in his work. And find satisfaction in it….he should have the ability to see the simple humor hidden in every aspect of life as it unfolds. A heart full of love…love that can cherish, sustain, heal and soften the blows which at times are a formality of life.

He should be the one invoking the primitive passion in you during long nights and thunderstorms…the tenderness in you as he wanders stumbles and then straightens as he tries to find his path through life….the peace in you as you share a drink during the warm October evenings on the swing on your porch….

He should d music to which your soul is tuned to, as you travel on the road of your destiny…you should be stamped on to each others mind, body and soul in such a way that when during d fall of your lives when you look at each other you see the maps and directions of a life well lived and cherished……

His should be the face which makes you realize that even if life isn’t as you expect it to be; everything is and will be alright in your world because he is with you.

I guess, I always try to find answers and learn my lessons from what is offered to me for free…nature…it offers you her(I can bet on my soul that nature is a “she”) essence for free. It’s just us humans, who always put a worth on our souls and thus take away from it its pricelessness...

And what she has taught me in this matter is this…..

The perseverance of the earth

The vastness and stability of the sky

The adaptability of water

The energy and vibrancy of fire

The spirit of wind.

Well. give me a guy like this…in whose arms as I fall asleep every night treasured and known…. feeling safe…that even if I don’t wake up again there was some one with whom I entrusted my legacy. Someone who knew me and my essence and loved me nonetheless (see…its the human thing of looking for his worth is someone else’s eye),some one through whom I live on and that I sleep in the arms of my destiny and always wake up in heaven. (Either ways..dead or alive)

signing off.

ice-mushi-ness

life on its own terms....

2011-03-08T20:10:00.005+05:30

He got down from the bus and started walking towards home.the afternoon sun beat down mercilessly on him.but he was not aware of it,he was too busy munching over his problem.Uday did not know,what to do and how to get on with this particular problem.he had finished his graduation in Commerce,along with a 3 year course in Animations from a reputed institution.he wanted to pursue an advance course in Animations as his masters,but for his dad.he sighed.his dad wanted him to remain in the field of commerce,get a management degree and start a business with him.which was not what Uday wanted.
he was sick of all the arguments,fights and cold wars between him and his dad.home was not the same with so much tension hanging in the air.even mom and sis,both who are usually vibrant and vivacious,seem to be quieter these days.
damn,how were you supposed to get your way in life,without hurting your parents.
how did and why did his dad expect him to live a life,which he could not even think of.the very thought made him miserable,he had his own plans..he wanted life on his own terms...

she looked down at the form in her hand.and looked out of the window at the everlasting silken skies.
the sense of freedom was exhilarating.so near,she only had to reach out.
her hand tightened around the form.she had finished her post graduation in literature and was ready to face a free life.but ,her parents wanted her to marry.the very thought made her nauseous.
Nandita thought about her life,she had not finished her education for jumping straight into the next thing which would put shackles around her feet.her eyes strayed to the guitar in the corner of her room. it was like an extension of her,she was a part of a rock band,"psycho curls".she and few others had formed it during their degree years,she was their lead guitarist.now 5 years later,here was a chance at international exposure.if she filled the form and submitted it,their band would have to go to Dublin for a Rock fest,where if they get noticed,maybe there would be some chance at recordings.she did not envision a famous lifestyle,but she sure wished for a musical one.
how was she supposed to make her parents agree,that she did not want a marriage right now,she wished for a nomadic lifestyle..that wanderlust beckoned her.
she looked at herself in the mirror,huge brown eyes stared back at her.eyes which could change shades according to her mood and the play of light,eyes which made people stop in their tracks. she knew she had beautiful eyes,a gift from her mother.but while playing on stage,she generally made her curls fall over them,so that no one noticed her for her looks,but only for what she played on the guitar,for her potential.
she loved her mom,but she did not wish to be like her,her mom had an amazing voice,but she had kept aside her musical ambitions to marry and start a family..Nandita did not want the same to happen to her.she wanted life on her own terms........

Raj looked at his wife,sleeping beside him,blissfully unaware of his tumult.he tossed and turned in his bed.he had had enough of his boss.after so many years of service in the company,he was devastated not to be promoted,just because the boss wanted someone from his family to take over.he had not tolerated so many years of his boss's interference in his work for this day. the day,he found out about his non existent promotion,he had thought of a way to escape,he wanted out of working under someone.maybe he could start a family business,with Uday.
after Nandita's marriage,maybe he could think about quitting his job.there were problems,with Nandita's reluctance to get married..when had his daughter grown up...he thought wistfully.
and yes,there was Uday's case,how was he supposed to convey to his son that working for someone would only lead to where his dad stood today.doing your own thing was the way....to live life on their own terms............

Vaidehi sipped her cup of tea and watched the dawn break over the horizon.she always got up early before her family did and watched the sun rise sitting in her kitchen table.this was her moment of peace in the whole day.
today,the worry lines showed on her face.
she was worried about Raj and his office condition,sometimes she did not know what to tell him,that to let things be or that he was right in wanting out.she did not know,whether she wanted to burden him with the usual things which had kept him going all these years,family,kids.their studies,now Nandita's marriage.it was not fair,she knew..but she understood how he felt,unlike what he thought.
during the early years of their marriage,her in- laws had taken time to adjust to her.there had been moments when she had wanted to give up,but she had pulled on.eventually,they accepted her as their own,but it took time..she knew how it felt for him,with his boss constantly interfering and favouring his family above him.....

after 25 years of marriage,she knew all about how adamant he was.did he not realise in that case,Uday was more his son that hers,she smiled ruefully.

and her daughter,Nandita,she knew what she wanted.one headstrong lady she was!and though it could really get tough for Vaidehi at times,she could not deny the fact that she was proud of her daughter.her beautiful,talented daughter.
she knew,what Nandita thought about her.that how could she have kept her singing talent aside to take care of her family.Vaidehi knew,Nandita loved her unconditionally,but did not want to end up like her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that life did not end with marriage,people could make careers work,it her case,it was her own preference to stay at home,not something forced on her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that though there were many aspects of her which reminded Vaidehi of herself,there was more to her than that..that she believed that her daughter could make both family and career work....however weird her career choice was..there would be someone who would love her for it and together they could make it work....
she sighed..how come necessary words become so difficult..how come everything gets trapped in pride and ego....how come everything gets so complicated.....everyone seemed to want life on their own terms...without making an effort to understand and accommodate each other..after all what are we..but our relationships...

the world around her woke up slowly...she started making way around the house to start her day's activities..
she spied something on the living room table.making way towards it..she was that it was a gift wrapped box..curious she picked it up to read the name on it..to her surprise she saw her name on it..slowly she unwrapped it to find..a beautiful Saree from Raj,a CD of her favourite songs from Uday and a book from Nandita.

tears filled her eyes as she looked up to find all of them,sleepy eyed waiting for her response...
"thank you",she whispered....

Raj took her in his arms.

"Happy Women's Day",Nandita and Uday shouted...as they all hugged each other......

unable to contain her smiles and tears..she thought..oh yea..it is worth all the complications...it sure is worth it....in whichever terms......

(author's note: a dedication to all the Mothers in this world, a person whom we take for granted,whom we cannot survive without..and who loves us and is loved by us unconditionally..who understands us...even if we think she does not..and who requires her own space...and has her own right to maintain her individuality.....she is the best and the noblest embodiment of a woman's role....... with loads of love and thanks...and yea...to all the ladies,out there..Happy women's day)

of wishes and horses....

2011-03-06T21:17:00.000+05:30

back again to my routine extreme moodiness...last post was the result of the waxing and waning of the moon..causing it to affect my zodiac sign..leading to 'crash and bang..flat out".
well,people who know am are well accustomed to my moodiness,a bane of my zodiac.
after ,the lowest of swings its back on the upward track...

well,my random post of the day is..what all i would love to do..for a living...
here is a list of things...that should be my work..after all..shouldn't you enjoy your work..for it to turn out best...

1.mix matcher..
now this is a term i use loosely to define my way of dressing.i love mixing and matching my outfits and accessorizing them.
i can quote an example in which i once wore a kurta made of a dupatta of another dress,a salwar of another dress,and a dupatta specially bought for the dupatta sacrificed into a kurta...
come on girls,where is the fun if you don't experiment...my motto,"recycle and reuse...."
somehow,i know..i end up looking like Ms.Clairvoyance-on-bad hair day,but no one has ever complained that i am dull and i enjoy the process tremendously,be it searching for matching earrings or an additional silk scarf.....
i have once sat cross legged on the road,picking out sets of matching earrings....
the more it is eclectic the better....
i dream of opening a boutique in the future in which ladies can spend their worthwhile time getting anything and everything they want and go out looking happy and different!!!

2.interior designer.
now,if you give me your dream house and you take me around it explaining what you feel about each room and what you visualize in them,i would love to work on that feel and let my imagination run riot....so,be it a romantic.cozy corner in your house or the kitchen....i would love to make use of everything than can be used or remodeled and just give the place the "feel" what one is looking for.( a la Kate Crawford from the book "Dead Stylish" by Lisa Armstrong.)

cozy corner

3.a super amazing chef...
.i would love to open my own little cafe and just experiment away to oblivion. and of course,my food has to come out slurpilicious..otherwise what is the use!!

4.a swimming instructor...
and..more than minding my students....i would gracefully swim away into the sunset as a mermaid...as if every drop of water and i are made for each other....sighghghg
`
5.an Egyptologist..
and look all important and intelligent as i decode hieroglyphics and escape from mummies from hell..
(yes yes,Evelyn Carnahan of "the mummy")

6. a symbologist..a la..Robert Langdon......
there sure is something so mysterious about hidden messages from civilizations far gone and a world shrouded behind the veil of time.....

how i wish was a time traveller!!!!
maybe the crazy scientist in me can build a time machine!!!

7.well,as you all know my lifelong desire to be a farmer....i would at least love a kitchen garden,growing fresh produce,walking through it each morning and picking the fruits and vegetables required for the delicacies gracing the menu of the day...
and at the end of each season,take the excess produce and pickle or jam them into tins and store them away...
of course everything has to taste awesome!!!

8.a healer:
i would love to open a centre which specializes in holistic healing,where not only the localised disease is treated,but the patient as a whole...i always believe,that after a period of disease,not only the body,but the mind and soul also require peace and time to heal.

my centre would specialise in all forms of medicine,modern to pagan.(i am fascinated by energy healing in Ayurveda,and the traditions of the Red Indian shamans,the Hawaiian kahunas,etc)

well,this is my la la land...and as you all know about my horse ranch ambition.....i will end this by.....this saying...

'If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible'.-Soren Kierkegaard

but i cant also help but be cheeky....by adding...

Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be. :P

signing off.....
yours..
iceprincess.

silent waters...

2011-03-04T10:41:00.001+05:30

starting off after a long time..talking to Sam yesterday..made me do this..i have to write..no matter what..maybe i am pulling down some walls i built recently...and exposing my insecurities...but doesn't matter....i know..i have to write....somewhere deep within me...that urge to pick up the pen has made its way out...so here goes..another dose of random madness.

i do not know what has happened to me.....i feel dull as ditch water..(i personally don't know who penned this phrase...ditch water is anything but dull)....you will not believe how many days i have sat staring at the screen...how many days i have read and re read stuff i have written and thought...at least that lady i was in my past managed to write...what happened to her? i read comments from previous post and try to write..i read previous posts and try to write...and all i manage is the first few lines...beyond which...its an infinity of blankness.....for a writer..it is darkness....:(

i sometimes feel 24 hours a day is less...there are so many things to do...and so little time....am like this rabid person trying to fit in 1001 thing in her 24hour schedule or..i just laze around with a book ...not getting out of bed for more than 6 hours at a go...only getting up for the basic necessities of food,loo,etc.

in the past few months i have hogged on so many murder stories that i don't think anything can ever surprise me regarding the depraved depths of human imagination or human cruelty.....one serial killing after another...i was on a serial murder story reading spree.....

it is weird a times,when you want to escape into your wonderland because real life scares you......
expectations,responsibilities,points of views...sometimes....i feel i would give anything to get away from all of it...and i feel guilty about that feeling..are you not supposed to be grateful for everything?
everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life...except the one who matters the most...you ..yourself....

sometimes,the so called norms of the society have it in them to suffocate you with invisible hands..and all you want to do is fly away from this open cage........be it cowardice...it sure is relief....

there are times,i imagine just walking out of my front door and go wherever the path beneath my feet take me and never returning till i find out what gives me peace...what stops this turmoil inside me......i just want to do things which give me satisfaction and that too with passion..i do not want to live a compromised life...

The thing i hate the most is the saying.."life is not perfect...life is not fair..learn to adjust.."

f*** anyone who says it.....and only adjust when the feeling comes directly from the depths of your heart..not because you have no other options.....

when i look around at the world...at every person on the road..all i can think is ....are they happy?that they adjusted into what life shoved on to them?or are they happy that they had the strength to shove back...and reach for their dreams?

my mind is like silent waters...calm and functioning with so called normalcy from outside...but running dark and deep,criss crossed with currents...from inside pulling you in all directions.....

maybe i have hit my midlife crisis.......i have no idea what i wrote...just raw and fresh......makes me feel kind of vulnerable..but i guess.....there will be people out there who relate to this...and need this.....to know that they are not alone......

well,feels good to be back......
signing off,
ice-midlife crisis-ness.

dusting off the cobwebs....

2011-02-28T11:03:00.001+05:30

Hello everyone (whoever remembers and recognizes me)..coming back here is like coming home to fuzzy memories..which give you a feeling of peace and acceptance...how is everyone here?
well,i have no excuses for my action other than...i don't know..i lost myself somewhere down the lane...ok..ok..cutting off the dramatics,i will try to blog..once in a while...i so do want to.....but..enough!!i guess of excuses......

i am here to accept an award....it is the "the most stylish blogger award"..honestly i don't deserve it...my blog has no panache to speak of..it should be given "the blog which closely resembles a dead blog"award....talk about past glories....sigh...

however,since i have this award..i do not plan to slink away again..i have a weird feeling that the person who gave this to me..just wants to kick my royal butt into writing mode..thank you..Navya....
here goes.....

*To accept this award, there are 4 rules:*

1. Thank the person who gave you the award:

thank you,Navya...(http://bloggeronloose.blogspot.com/)for practically giving my idea starved mind something to start on.and i do appreciate it..and have to tell you..you express well...i do drop in on my blogfolks blogs once in a while.....just to get back that feeling of bygone days...:(

2. Share seven things about yourself:

aaahhh..now this will be going for an overkill as i have written many many things about myself...hence i will just post the links of my previous articles..which have enough about me.....if you have the patience..here goes....

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2010/02/this-one-is-for-blunt-guy.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/12/deja-vu.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-award_23.html

also...one thing i have taken up with zeal....check out this link and please do comment...

https://picasaweb.google.com/varma.anjana/Candles#

3. Pass the award on to bloggers you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic:

i haven't recently discovered this,i would like to present this award to some blogs..i really enjoy reading and some bloggers ..i relate to ..even if i have never met them......

shanu.....we go back a long way.......

http://fullonbakwaas.blogspot.com/

blunt E......for not giving up on me..and taunting me whenever and wherever possible

http://blunt-edges.blogspot.com/

DPhat......where art thou?

http://dphatsez.blogspot.com/

Bullshee.....where art thou..again?

http://monkinhotwater.blogspot.com/

Sam...go blogging ,gal!!!

http://bhaktasam.blogspot.com/

4. Contact the bloggers you picked and let them know about the award:

..i just did!!!

ANTITHESIS (PART II)-letter to a homeland

2010-05-10T21:34:00.000+05:30

my dear land,
my home....i hope you do not find this the insane ramblings of a war ridden old soldier from the front......
me,am not of the sentimental sorts..but i guess,the war changes everything it touches.....humans too..especially humans i must say.......
years away from you has left me craving for a sight,a smell,a sound,even any memory associated with you....the smell of the lush,fertile earth,the rolling hills,the peaceful cattle.....my small house....mother at her stove..the fragrances of spices...father ..he always had the fragrance of the earth which was his life blood...sturdy and secure...my precious love..with her mysterious sparkling eyes....i hope this finds them in safe and sound health............
i sometimes think of the young man who left home..that fateful day..years ago..all eager and ideal ...the patriot to patrol his land....and never find him in me anymore.....as i said..the war changes everything.....the idealism...fades..the convictions for the causes we fight for burns to ashes....the faces of friends and enemies merge......every eyes...besides or opposite..are mirror images.....all that remains is the gunfire and memories of carnage...what we suffer..so do they....wars will begin and wars will pass......soldiers will fight...soldiers will die...eventually nothing of us will remain...except a pile of mass memorial on some street in the country we will bleed for..........
every evening as i sit under the silken skies.........i think of my land...i think of my home....i think of my family...my love...the place where the heart will always place its largest share..and feel an etching sadness haunt me....
i am homesick...homesick for my land..where all i want is a small field..where i will grow brinjals,capsicums,yams and all possible hideous vegetables which maybe i will only eat.........but i know..i will be happy as the sun shines on me as i stand on the earth where my heart lies...
i do not know what is that i dread the most....in some ways the war not ending makes me live my life as if it is the last moment.and if the war ends.....the worry that gnaws me is if i will ever fit into civilization again....you see..the war just does not handicap the body...but it also scars the heart and for some..kills the soul..............
for all it does good.........under the gathering twilight....i bid adieu...to a day gone by....away from my homeland.....
the confused soldier on the frontier.

ANTITHESIS (PART I)-letter from an open cage.

2010-05-09T19:13:00.000+05:30

dear diary,
feeling:low,blue,depressed,frustrated.
seems like i have been feeling like this forever..and will always end up feeling like this if i do not do anything about it.
why is being a 22 year old girl so frustrating?isn't it the time in your life when the world is laid out before you like an unexplored treasure..when the blood is young and fresh ...and everything seems possible? then why do i already feel old and cynical?
long before..i had made a promise to myself...a vow..to live life to the fullest...never regret a single moment...long ago i had decided that once the basic requirements of fitting into the society was complete..my heart would be allowed to follow the call of the free and wild.........
now,after the required criterion of education...and work...is complete...an essential to keep my parents happy and satisfied....from where did the additional requirements jump in?
why is a girl expected to live her life first sheltered by her parents and then handed over as a commodity..priceless nonetheless for another euphemism of bondage..marriage?
in between all this why is her desire to live life on her own terms smothered under the weight of responsibilities,expectations,rules?
i know..i am rambling..but the very home which has always been my fountainhead of security now seems a source of entrapment...why is that everything that is so familiar seem all of a sudden so suffocating?how come the very thing you love the most is the thing you want to run away from?
the thought that worries me the most nowadays is that i will die living the same life..the life that expects you to place everything else before you but your own happiness..
the sky outside always tempts me hinting of distant lands and unexplored views to experience...is it wrong to want to travel and do things you want at your own pace?
every night as sleep overcomes me...my dreaded thoughts dangle between..guilt...as i want to escape a life which has always been kind to me....and a self hatred at the cowardice in me....for my lack of courage required to break free....knowing fully well..it would hurt and wound a lot of people i love with all my heart...but deep inside..the heart yearns for freedom as wanderlust whispers in the air ..and the soul weeps to think of the wasted years to follow......
i hope you do not consider me a sentimental fool..my diary....goodnight.........
yours.........
a fluttering and floundering 22 year old..............

SENSES

2010-03-14T21:53:00.003+05:30

i don't know what propelled this particular chain of thoughts in my head but it surely had to do with a memory.....a word spoken by mom...before it could register its actual self through my brain..it opened..even if just for a split second..an alternate door..an alternate action..which had nothing to do with its actual context..for that split second..a very poignant sense of nostalgia hit me...and then it was lost as what my mom actually wanted to tell me registered..all through that day..i spent in vain...hoping again for that door to open...

what is it...about the brain that amazes me so much..like my other love "ocean" our brains capacities are also fathomless....as the ocean's depth.....and the feeling i sensed...made me realise there is this alternate world of senses which exists..which is much more honest than the more commonly used world of words........

just a random favourite moments list....for each sense.......the list is actually pretty large..but i will write the first thing that comes to my mind....

1.Sense of SIGHT:i love to watch a class of students in an examination hall.

whenever i go for supervision..the pandemonium which greets me is typical...the last minute cramming session...but the moment the bell goes off..the students settle down with their sheets..its peace....i love watching them write..their bent heads......the silence....once in a while interrupted by the rustle of sheets....its as if for a moment...everything is silent in the world........

2.Sense of SOUND: the waves breaking the shore....my dad's native land..is a small island.....sparsely populated...a small township...the house is large and sprawling...on moonlit nights..when the moonlight paints everything silver around you...standing on the cool island sand.....if i close my eyes..and attune my sense of sound...i can hear the surf breaking the shore...there is nothing more hauntingly mystical than that.....`

3.Sense of SMELL: i love the smell of freshly sun dried washed clothes....i love pulling them off the cloth-line and wrapping myself with them and just smelling them...its the mixture of the smell of he soap and the person i associate the clothes with that make it more charming....

4.Sense of taste: aaahhaaa...where do i fit my list: :P but the first thing that hits my mind...

my refreshing cup of morning tea with a tinge of ginger in it...there surely is God..for there surely is food.....:)

5.Sense of touch: the feel of a baby's soft skin...and the way they fit so perfectly into your arms..warm,cuddly and so so tender.......(i managed this sense..without causing a scandal..:P)

this one is the combination of all...as am from the land of coconut trees and red flags....

i cannot miss on the combo pack this land offers to my senses....this one is a culmination of all the senses....

one would be when my train enters my native land....the breeze which TOUCHES my skin...which carries the SMELL of the rich fertile soil...the SIGHT of green fields and the SOUND of the cows lazily mooing...actually gives me the first TASTE of kerala.......

second would be..the rainy evenings at my native house...standing in the dark tiled..wood panelled veranda...watching the rain drenched foliage taking a darker shade of green....smelling the wet earth....feeling the cool breeze and tasting the rain drops...

call me prejudiced..but there sure is something so mysterious and haunting ..about such evenings..i don't know whether it is the play of elements...the light..of twilight...the rain water and the wind...and the damp earth...or my hyper imaginative brain....that sends goosebumps down my skin....whispering to me about the elusive but ever present,rare but cannot be ignored presence of the 6th sense..a sense of intuition...which is the call of your soul..which will always recognise and make memories....which will whisper across ages to you in the form of these goosebumps........long forgotten memories...about previous and future lifetimes.......

this one is for the blunt guy......

2010-02-23T18:06:00.002+05:30

i have realised that for me writing comes under extreme conditions...thinking hard for some idea for a post isn't my forte...its that natural urge ..when and only when the heavens decide and bless me with an idea..am i able to write....otherwise i am a useless dimwit who cannot get herself inspired enough to write..

as the post before...this one is specifically for bluntE..i hope he is proud of me...

am still sticking to random.....and am just writing a random list oft things..which doesn't have anything in common..no skeletal framework....

1. i have realised that stress has a physical manifestation and it is one of the few parasitic abstracts which creeps up to you and makes its home in your muscles and joints and bones and resides in between them and marks them stiff...(groan...my back.......)

2.i have realised that the "responsible one"crown is an uneasy one to wear..people take undue advantage of you and you like the noble martyr suffer..and the sloths and slobs of the underworld flourish at your expense......

3.it would be nice to own a beachfront cottage and cook out on the beach in the evenings

4.that at times,all of us are living in an open cage.......

5.whatever happens in life,if wanderlust is diluted in your life force....you will have to face it some day or the other.....

6.that at times,however you try to make a meaning out of your life..it will always seem meaningless.

7.and at times,life will simply bowl you over with its simplicity and beauty.......

8.that at times,when you look at the stars you wonder whether somewhere under those starry skies does a place exist where you will find your true essence..and can be just you.....

9 and that..you will always have people tell you in no uncertain terms that you are stupid because..that place exists right here..where you are.......the present moment is and can always be what you make of it....you don't need to be elsewhere ...

10.that..i know..i come across as a very disturbed person..but...dont worry..am just musing out aloud..the thoughts that circle around as i try to dish out some philosophy.....

i know..this is very vague....but as i said,i had to write this for bluntE...coz..he threatened me....

signing out...

ice-scared-ness.(due to BE threats..:P)

deja vu.

2009-12-17T10:56:00.003+05:30

groaannn..moaaan....ughgh...grrrr...comfortably numb.....everyday for the past "god alone knows how many days"...i have been just staring at the URL of "blogger.com"and not signing in..reason..i do not know..inspiration hits me in flashes and like a flash flood overwhelms me and is gone...i feel guilty..i miss my blogmates..but..i do not know..what to do...

and finally....my saviour is here...Mr.BE has rescued me and now can finally say he rescued one damsel(damn-cell?..i know..bad joke),more a wasted creature in distress..by giving me an

award...without a name...suits me..coz right now..even i am without an aim....

no wonder he is one of my favourite ppl in blogville..

shanu?shanu?kidhar hain tu?help me out..my humour princess.....

ok...i move on to the "anamika"award and state its rules....

1) List 7 things about yourself that nobody knows.

2) Pass on this award to 7other people.

3) Comment on their blog and let them know that they are tagged.

i donot know whether i will follow all the rules,coz i am not in the mood..but will try to dish out some more truths about myself..damn!!if i manage to finish this..this blog will have 27 truths about me...this is a pain!!!

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-award_23.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/05/of-another-awardand-10-more-truths.html

1)i love the local trains in Mumbai.it is like a second home to me.i love cribbing about it,fighting and screaming while travelling in it,feel like a survivor every time i successfully finish a journey and finally fall all over in love with it again and again.

i love the afternoon times the most,with the sunlight filtering in through the doors,the passengers mildly in slumber land with the train's gentle rocking lullaby and a feeling of utter peace prevails over me as the train moves along the tracks.

2)i do not know whether i have mentioned this before,but i love the oceans,i wanted to be an oceanographer,even if it is just to sit and stare at the mysterious oceans.there is something so alluring about its hidden depths,promising of unseen secrets...maybe i should have been a pirate...:P

3)though i am a very "family and friends" type of person,there are times when daily,normal,social life suffocates me.moments when i crave for freedom,for anonymity,for a life where not a single soul knows me.that is why i loved the movie"into the wild"..i can see it 1001 times and never tire of.

4)i have a fetish for earrings and bangles.glass,metal,ornate carvings,stone,anything would do.but i do not care much for gold.yes,i know,being a malayalee,i can hear the astonished and offended gasps of fellow malayalees.but,that's the truth,i do not care for gold jewellery.

here are some pictures taken during my cousin's wedding last Sunday.those are my bangle(over)clad arms.

5)i believe there are only two ways of going about in life.two ways to live it.live responsibly or pursue it with passion.same can be said about doing anything.you do it because it is your responsibility or you do it because it is your passion.blessed are the ones who find passion.as for people doing things because it is their responsibility and not because they want to,do not be surprised to find your eyes wandering to the distant horizons always searching for that something alluding you,that something which makes you feel complete.

writing is something i pursue with passion,it is always like giving a part of my soul.and that is the reason i never ventured to write anything for so long because they would have been sub standard.now,i actually do not care,i am writing for survival and maintenance of sanity

6)i always wanted to be a part of a rock band,the brooding,weirdo guitarist or the unsociable singer.i do not know about anything else,but i managed weird,especially where my super wild,uncivilized hair is concerned.

yes,music is another thing that touches my soul.

in a world where we try to hide behind masks,construct fortresses around our true self and are scared to show our true self for fear of vulnerability,it is nice to have things that speak to our souls.music,writing and reading top my soul communicator list.

7)i truly believe,food,sleep and a nice bathroom to shit is all you will ever require for a peaceful life.

when you eat,you will find happiness,when you sleep,you will find peace.....

and when you shit..you will achieve Nirvana.

tell me.what more does anyone want than that!!! :P

phew,i know,i have been rambling,pardon me coz..i haven't written anything for a long time......

i give this award to all those poor writers like me who have hit a block for whatever reasons.

my eternal gratitude to BE....once again...

i sign out...as

ice-finally at peace-ness.

rhetorics

2009-11-21T22:37:00.006+05:30

they say there are moments in life....when something becomes utterly clear...when the cloud cover clears..when all the scattered dots in your past make sense....

no one told us life would be fair.....that it would be easy...but they sure told us..it would be worth it ..every single bit of it..if we carry along our heart with us....

what is it about the heart..that makes it wiser than the brain? for a person who is completely in love with her brain..i find it hard at times to accept that a pumping organ is more powerful than a thinking one...

but if i think about it..the pumping action...quite literally that is...the ability to pump in the life sustaining oxygen and clearing out the life threatening carbon dioxide..out of the life force,blood..can be co related to the ability to accept unconditionally whatever (the impure blood),ability to purify and give things a sense of purpose(oxygenate blood and make it useful) and sustain life till it utmost capacity(the continuous work)..pardon the ardent biology lover in me...but the heart...always knows the answers..the brain takes time to come in terms with....

what is it about passion...the force of which,when it flows in the blood..creates such a potent combination...that every other thing wrong in life..doesn't seem to matter.....?

what is it about my zodiac..which takes me through such highs and lows..that i don't know where i stand.....?

why is it ..that at times..making our own decisions is all that matters...and why is it..when faced with a dead end..the ability to leave and lose everything....leaves you with a sense of calmness....?

there are moments..which make me forget years....

what is it about life?when you think you found one answer..and made one decision..it confounds you with another....

what is it about me?why the hell am i like this?

is the fear of hurting some one's feelings care for them or cowardice?

is the want to break away from what you care the most for desperation or wanderlust?

is the belief that everything that happens in life happens for the best,stupid optimism or the fact that you actually cant do anything about it?

can someone tell me where i can do a very good course in Geography from?

what is it about human beings that i am in a love-hate relationship with them?

what is it about me that i am just asking questions to a very tolerant blog?

confessions of an overboard mind.

2009-10-27T16:42:00.005+05:30

symptoms:victim seems happy,peaceful,disoriented,mild hallucinations are common,generally perceived by "normal"people as borderline schizophrenic behaviour.

cause: medical professionals are trying to find the drug causing these effects.

victims have a calm belief and utter confidence that their body,especially the wondrous organ called the brain whose capacities are still uncharted waters is capable of anything and everything,right from depths of despair to heights of ecstasy.

a first hand narrative by a victim who likes to call her affliction,fondly, the "high on life"syndrome:

...............there are times when i look out of the window and see the scenery,the same sight which has greeted me for almost all my life,when i don't really see it...in the great rush to lead a life,reach someplace ,do something useful,the faculty of sight just perceives it without registering anything.........and then there are times,when just going through moments in time,there comes one such moment when everything is different,my senses are more aware and alert..and i truly believe in magic....a world where not just the trees and the sky and the roads and the vehicles exist.....a world of musical elements,fairies,elves and stardust exists..where i believe in fairy tales and fantasies.......

during these times,the so called sane part of my mind interrupts me by practically arguing that it is the thousands of books and movies that i read and watch....or just the human want for something mysterious and magical about their sane lives that makes me believe this.....but..it is not....even if it is for those few moments...i completely believe in magic....and mystery.....

and after that moment passes i just carry it along with me..but i don't completely believe in it....

i know..i have been rambling for quite some time now.....they say it is an affliction that i caused by some drug...i sometimes don't understand why humans never believe in what their hearts say is true......

all this is basically i want to write something ..many things....i have been away for a long time from my writing world....but today i sit and write only and only because...my instincts asked me to...when i started writing i just knew i wanted to share a lot of my feelings and experiences with people i may never see..but only connect with..because of our common need or want to write and express...people who know almost nothing about me...but only the persona my writing creates of me..but people i value ...for the simple reason their writings speak to me....and i can speak or connect back to it......

the vacation i took...if i can ..i would have written a travelogue about it...but if i do,i am sure...i will be chosen to be skewered for all the humour i try to see in almost everything i see..

if the roads of Delhi and the neatness of our capital impressed me..the difficulty of getting things conveniently.....blew that effect ........

if the beautiful.architecture of most of the tombs i visited took my breath away....people's morbid fascination with death made me go into a confused maze of thoughts about the human psyche.........

not to mention the epitome of foresight our Mughal rulers had.....it is because of them that i believe we still read the line in every Geography and Economic textbooks....

"India is an agricultural economy......"

with all due respect..and with no wish to offend anyone....i believe it is because of their concern for their future generation..that they got their entire family and lineages buried...and subsequently provided the northern part of our country with fertile soil.....

i know..many of them are going to give me visit for my audacity.....

and i don't know..whether it was the small town,open fields and peaceful ambiance of Kurukshetra..or just the spiritual magic of the air there.....i found an equilibrium which had ceased to exist in me...

sometimes..i wish for that blind belief in things which we have when we are children,an unwavering faith in life.....with time..we lose it..cynicism sets in ..or at least a mask of cynicism..behind which we hide that dying flame of faith....sometimes..i truly wish..i believed in magic every time...............

as i hit the road...though the heady feeling of wanderlust overwhelmed me most of the time...i also understood what it means to truly feel alone..in this world......

(authors note:i know this is a weird way of writing something..but i just couldn't stop myself..i just knew..i wanted to write...and for once..i don't want to redraft it...its just raw,plain thoughts.....just jotted down..as they chase themselves around in my head...)

sorry people of my blogkingdom....

2009-10-22T09:02:00.002+05:30

hello prajakal...(my people)
i know..my random tactics and antics and my disappearing behaviour has left you bewildered as random mutagenesis...
even if not...just nod thy heads...for keeping my randomly messed up brain..
am writing from the land of the origin of Bhagwad Geetha ...yup..am in Kurukshetra,Haryana...on a vacation....
i will be back...with some news on the graveyards of Delhi and the amazing fields of Haryana..
and for all that i missed..in your kingdoms...i shall make up....
thank you ....
yours mutated....
ice-mutation-ness...

i seriously dont know what this is about......

2009-10-03T19:43:00.004+05:30

i was teaching something called random mutagenesis.....to a class of bewildered students....unknown to them i was as stupefied as they were..the utterly useless stuff people come up with at times!!! apart from that..while i was trying to get the lecture done...the word "random" caught on ..i was once again..wanting to blog without knowing what to blog about..so as useless,random mutagenesis is..this "random"article is also useless...for people who hate me after this..please..i just wanted to write...plzz..plzzz..maaf karo!!!

i do not know why i think the things i do...i nowadays do not know the purpose of my life..forget nowadays...i never knew ever..but nowadays..i think about it more....and feel scarier,weirder and older....

maybe,keeping in sync with the topic..i am "randomly" mutated.....maybe my brain cells are mysteriously dying of early onset old age...

feeling old as i am ..i really wanted to punch some people.....

there is a subset of Indian population who thinks calling someone an "aunty" is akin to calling someone"madam".they use it anywhere and everywhere.....

some oldies in my building call my mom..."aunty"..and they top the cake...with the icing..by calling me "behenji"..yea...sure.i know..big deal...but guys,you do not know the trauma i undergo..

if reaching college early is not enough..since i haven't got my ID.....i have to fight with the watchman..everyday..telling him..

"i am faculty!!!!!ID nahi mila hain!!!"....

"nahi..jhoot mat boliye..aap student ho....."

he gives me dirty looks as if i am gonna blast his precious college off....

i dread each time i face a new watchman.....and i have nearly given up wearing jeans to college...i go in salwaar kameez..to look older....maybe i could try sarees and vamplike bindis next....

if that is not enough....i have some schoolkids in the bus..coming up to me and RANDOMLY asking whether "are you a college student?"

i came up with the most stern look i could and told them.."no..am a teacher..."

they just gave a look which said.."kisko ullu bana rahaen ho"..grinned and ran away...

i mean what!!!!!!!!!!!

either i look old..or i look young..don't confuse my tortured mind with such "random" incidents...

damn..this article has turned out to be full on...ramblings...

by the way..for people who have read a previous article..about me wanting to throw my spectacles into outer space and all...

it is happening guys!!!

i had my specs fly off,due to a hit on the head while getting down from the train.it fell on a crowded platform and survived!!!(taaaliyaaan!!!)

and while dancing on an evening out with friends..it flew off and landed god-alone-knows -where but still managed to survive.....

yes!!! my specs will make Darwin proud...."survival of the fittest"..new species...

what..why...why are you guys looking around for rotten tomatoes....hold...sorry...aaaaaaaaaahhhhh

(wiping away rotten stuff from my face....)

now i have decided to start an experiment ..it is top secret..national security business...so..shhhhhh..

am thinking of checking how far...we can jet spray our puke....and defeat the enemy by grossing them out.. so..next time you want to vomit,stand as far away as you can from the basin and try to throw up....

whaaat!!!why are you doing this to me..am the future star of science in this country..no..guyss...help...they are chaining me up...help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

redemption-the final part.

2009-09-14T20:31:00.002+05:30

She entered his office and sat across him from his table.
“hey, there,” Ajit said,” this is a surprise.”
Without preamble she ventured,” Ajit, I know you have not been honest with me. I know about Usha.”
Ajit was caught off guard for a moment, but he recovered and said,” I don’t know why, but somehow I knew you were aware.”
She sat there silently.
“I know it does not look good, but to be honest, Sandhya,I knew what I was doing and though it may sound brutal I take blame for it but do not regret it.” he said.
“And can I ask you why you felt the need to do what you did, what had gone wrong with us?” she asked in a calm voice.
“I know I hurt you, but, damn you, Sandhya, you and your principles. Do you never feel that at times your expectation and sense of perfection is hard for others to live up to? You never needed me. or for that matter anyone. Whenever the stakes were down, you had your principles to hold you. You never ever needed me. You always turned to your principles to rule your life. You are so damned self reliant and perfect, that I don’t know what you need me for in your life. I am so sorry.” His voice broke.
She looked at her husband; she was surprised to find only pity as she looked at him. She extended her arms across the table and took his hand in hers.
“Is that what you wanted? That I make myself dependent on you? That I make you feel ‘needed’?” she asked.
“Isnt that what a relationship is all about? Give and take. To be there for each other? What did you need me for? It was as if you never felt anything. No emotions at all.” He said.
“Pardon me for thinking this, but I had hoped that we would some day reach a point in our relationship, where I need not say everything in words. That you could feel what it was that I needed without me saying it. And I am sorry you felt I had no emotions. And Ajit, if this is what you felt, did it never occur to you that your worth in my eyes is so much that I needed no apparent reason to love you. I just love you without ‘needing’ any ‘reason. Isn’t that how love is supposed to work?
If we had had this conversation earlier we would have done something to salvage our marriage. I guess that is it, I am moving out of your house and life, Ajit.the divorce papers will reach you soon. Am glad we had this conversation, it just assured me that the decision of moving out is the right thing.” She finished what she had to say and made her way to the door.
There, she turned back to look at her life of 8 years. He was sitting slumped in his chair.
“And Ajit, I am pregnant. If all goes well you can have your visitation rights. Goodbye.”
Too shocked to react, Ajit watched the door close on him for the second time in the same week.

She went into labor two weeks earlier. After a 2 hour labor she brought a wailing baby boy into the world. He had an unruly mop of curls and weighed 5 pounds. And when she saw him after she awoke from anesthesia induced sleep she felt as if she was seeing heaven. Her baby boy. Her world. She named him Rishabh. Ajit had come to see his son. He cradled his baby against his chest and asked her about her health. They were at cordial terms with each other. Their parents, though disturbed about their separation were trying to adjust to it.
Her mother was staying with her to help her during the initial months of baby care. She was working from home.
Life was slowly coming back to track for her.

The doctor informed her apologetically that there was nothing more he could do. Her lifespan was minimal, she knew. And she went about slowly closing deals and chapters in her life. She knew she had one final chapter to close and that it was time to enter it.

Her mother had gone out for groceries. Little Rishi was in his cradle sleeping. Grabbing her moment of peace, Sandhya took the books and made way to the Apple tree.
She heard the front gate opening. She called out that she was in the back.
Like a scene from a different lifetime she saw Usha walking towards her.
For a few minutes they just stood there staring at each other.
Usha looked a bit strained to Sandhya, especially around the eyes. Her pallor was also a bit too pale.
As for Sandhya, Usha could not remember any other time when she had looked better. Glowing, she had an aura around her.
“I was expecting you, Usha. You have perfect timing. Anytime earlier I would have thrown my crockery on you and anytime later it would have ceased to matter to me.” Sandhya volunteered.
“I heard from Ajit. I came because I thought you deserve my apologies. I am sorry. If it matters to you, I would like to say that I never knew he was yours.” Usha said in a calm voice, but her whole demeanor betrayed that she was straining to keep control.
Sandhya smiled,” I guess, he was never mine. And though yes, it is gratifying to accept your apologies, if am honest I may just admit, that I do not blame you anymore. If my marriage was flawed, it was not your fault. If what I gave him was not enough, it was not your fault. If his expectations from me were twisted, it still was not your fault.
Love is basic. It should come as easily as respiring. If it is forced into the boundaries of twisted expectations and high principles. It chokes itself to death.
So, I see no reason for you to apologize, in this case, Usha.”
Tears filled Usha’s eyes,
“How do you do that? How can you be so perfect, as always? I am so so sorry, Sandhya.”
Sandhya took Usha in her arms.
“It’s alright, dear, calm down. You are apologizing for the wrong thing. You can apologize for giving up on our friendship. I want you to know, when I told the truth back then, it nearly hurt me to death. I don’t know what made me do that, whether it was the fact that you did not listen to me or my childish expectation that someone I knew to be perfect could also be flawed.”
Dusk was gathering. Beneath the apple tree two women reached out to each other to be healed and to be forgiven.
As Usha turned to leave,
“I do not know what to offer you, but when the time comes for it, will you accept it?”
“I will, if you promise me one thing.” Sandhya replied.
“What is that?” Usha asked.
“You are too full of life to let it bleed away, Usha. Promise me you will forgive yourself and move on in life.”
Usha sadly smiled,
“I promise. Thank you.”
“Keep in touch.”

There never was any time for ‘keeping in touch’. 2 weeks later, Usha passed away. Too shocked at the turn of events, Sandhya had attended the funeral and silently thanked God that they at least were given the chance to heal their wounds.
A month after the funeral, Sandhya got a letter from Usha’s lawyer which stated that all her wealth and fortune were written in Rishi’s name and that Sandhya was the trustee till he reached of age to handle it on his own.
Sandhya looked out of the window; the apple tree was slowly flowering again, preparing again for another season of its life.
Sandhya looked at her son, cooing away happily in his cradle.
She smiled wistfully.
life still has to..and will move on.

(author's note:as i was writing this,i realised that i didnot want to judge or label characters as right or wrong.i wanted my readers to do that.so,if it seems a bit neutral,this is the reason.
i have also got feedback that the guy's point of view wasnt taken into consideration.
that was because,i tried and found it lacking authenticity.
i would love to hear your feedback.
thanks for your patience.
:)
)

redemption part 3

2009-09-09T18:59:00.002+05:30

They had been ‘best friends ‘all their childhood. From the time she remembered, apart from her books Usha had been the only person whose company she had enjoyed
Before their little minds conjured up a name for their relationship, they were inseparable friends. The lively girl and the calm one. A team. Going to school together, doing their homework together, family friends, neighbours, playing together, raiding orchards, climbing trees. All the energetic activities presided over by Usha and the mind activities supervised by Sandhya. They had fitted into each others existence easily. Though she wholeheartedly loved Usha, there were times she had wished to be a bit more like her.
Their childhood had been so blissful, until that final incident that somehow brought on such changes that could not have been foreseen.
Their final year in school. Annual examinations. Sandhya had spent half her time seeing to that, that Usha prepared too. But on that fateful day, Usha just dropped a bomb on her saying that since she was not adequately prepared she was going to copy from sheets she had stuffed in her socks.
Sandhya would have none of it. After a massive argument, they had tentatively agreed that each could do what they pleased.
Usha had brought the notes Sandhya had prepared for her.
And as time would have wanted then, Usha had been caught in the act.
Trying to save herself, she had pushed the notes onto Sandhya’s desk where they would have remained hidden amongst familiar handwriting.
However, when questioned about the ownership of them, Sandhya told the truth, by declining to accept them as her exam sheets.
The moment the truth was uttered; Sandhya knew that these words were going to scar something very precious to her. But what had to be done had to be done. She had warned Usha about the consequences. Had pleaded with her that obtaining fewer marks was preferable to dishonest work.
And after the fracas, as Usha had been led away to the headmaster’s office, she had turned back and gave Sandhya a look, a look which she could not decipher but which at some levels scared her.
Unknowing to both of them that would have being the final time they saw each other for a long time.
Usha parents were ending their marriage and moving out of town. The headmaster decided to go light on the shameful incident as the student was moving away and changing school.
Usha had thwarted Sandhya’s every attempt to meet and talk to her.
In a whirlwind of activity, Usha moved away, ending a period of blissful childhood, marred by an incomplete end.
Sandhya believed in the principles of truth and honesty. She had tried to base everything in her life on her principles. And when she told the truth that fateful day, she did not know why, what makes the character strong was so painful to the heart, why her principles had taken away the only person she had loved apart from her family.
Even now as she tried to fit her life in some principle or other, as she went about life collecting moments based on values, there were those odd moments, when she questioned herself, about her character which had not minded breaking a human heart to uphold an abstract principle.
She had bartered a living thing for a nonliving abstract.
What sort of person did that make her?

As the weeks passed, Sandhya had no idea what she wanted. She did not know whether she wanted to sort out her relationship with her husband or whether she wanted to forgive him at all. She did not know why she had still not told him about her pregnancy. Somehow, she did not want to discolor the only perfect thing in her life with the dirt of his lies.
There were times when she wanted to break half the crockery in the house on Ajit, considering how he went about his life as if nothing was wrong. She did not know what bothered her more; the fact that Ajit did not notice anything wrong with her or the fact that she did not want to confront him.
And sometimes she hated Usha; with all the fiber of her being. The envy of her childhood bloomed to full-blown hate; eventually, the man she loved had given himself to what she was not and would never be.
That had been the ultimate betrayal to her.
All her thoughts hounding and trailing her; Sandhya had taken to walking to thwart them off.
And on one such walks she had come across the house with the apple tree.
It was one of those little cottages pushed away from the main road. The ‘on sale’ sign invited her to go in to look around. She had liked the house and as she made her way to the back she came across a beautiful tree; a flowering apple tree.
Somewhere, in some book about folklore of the British Isles she had been reviewing, she had come across the fact that an apple tree was associated with choice. An incident of how land was distributed according to markings on apple fruits came back to her mind. All the plots were similar; regardless a choice had to be made.
The sun shone through the branches of the tree. It was as if some thing was being pointed out to her. Today even she was faced with making some choices, decisions which were difficult, but had to be made nonetheless. Pushing them away was doing nothing but hurting her health, which was now not her’s alone. Someone else depended on her for its well being.
She gently touched the bark of the tree; a delicate bloom danced with the wind and gently fell on her face.
She smiled whimsically as she recollected that apple trees were also associated with healing powers and love.

Usha was always haunted by those eyes; those seemingly normal eyes; but if they looked at you in the eye, you will see in them a tinge of sadness; a sadness which lodges in a person’s soul after he has seen what life can do to you.Sandhya’s eyes were such eyes; eyes which had a wise sadness in them. Usha remembered seeing the shy, quiet girl all her life until she remembered noticing her. Her perfect friend. The friend who had always been there; all through the only happy time in her life; her childhood. Though she had never understood how a person could prefer the company of books to human, she had never minded it. There had always been something so utterly perfect and peaceful about Sandhya, that with her anyone could feel that everything was perfect in their lives at that moment.
But it was eventually those very principles that made her so damned perfect, that had brutally slaughtered their relationship.
In those times in childhood when children decide the definitions and rules of friendship what Sandhya did had hurt her bad.
She remembered an incident when they were 8 year olds stealing melons from an orchard when Usha had been caught and Sandhya had managed to escape. Even at the cost of been given beatings Usha had never revealed her companion’s name. For her one of the ground rules of friendship had been loyalty.
Sometimes she wondered if Sandhya would have even had a slight doubt about the decision she made about telling the truth. After all these years; now when the incident itself seemed so trivial,Usha did not know why she had been hurt by her so called ‘trivial ‘business
But, it had mattered to her that Ajit was Sandhya’s husband.
Sitting in the hospital lounge awaiting her appointment with her doctor, Usha thought back to that evening in the room of the hotel.
Ajit was resting on the couch with a drink in his hand; she had been staring out at the sky from the balcony thinking of how to start the conversation about his wife.
“I saw your wife today”, she had remarked.
Ajit had looked up at her; she still could not fathom how looking at a person you love but can never have, could hurt you so.
“And?” he had ventured.
“I don’t know. It just got me thinking. She seems nice. Why do you stray?” she had asked boldly.
A sad smile had formed on his face.
“She is nice. I guess that is the problem. She is too nice and perfect that it makes me miserable. No one can live up to her. She is too darned perfect.” He had said.
“If she is perfect, then what am I?” she had asked.
“It’s not like that; it’s just that your sort of perfection is easier to live with.”
She did not know what had propelled her onto her feet. All she knew was something again had broken in her; and this time too indirectly it had been Sandhya’s fault.
“If this so called “perfection’ of mine makes it easier to live the deception that we are living, then I guess, you do not understand the meaning of perfection. And that’s sad, cause you have encountered it, almost everyday all your life in the form of your wife and failed to recognize it.” she had said calmly.
“It is over, Ajit. I had decided that after seeing your wife, but am glad you made it easier. Goodbye.”
She had gathered her things and walked to the door. Now thinking back, she did not know whether it was Ajit’s declaration of her ‘perfection’ or some long ago forgotten loyalty to her friend that had propelled her to act, but she had been glad she did.

She had bought the house on a loan. She had managed everything without anyone knowing .she knew her parents would not permit her to stay alone in her condition; she more than anyone knew she needed her solitude. She would ask someone to stay with her when she entered the last trimester. She had packed her belongings. It had been sad, as she packed her stuff away all alone. It was as if she had been burying the last 8 years of her life. All that remained to be done had been breaking the news to Ajit. She had gone to his office. She still remembered their conversation vividly.

redemption part 2

2009-09-07T11:20:00.002+05:30

As the weeks passed agonizingly slowly, with the usual tests and visits to the hospitals, Usha thought back on her life. as she made her way to the hospital corridors, all alone, she found it sad that in the 32 years of her life, she had made no such valid relationship which guaranteed someone with her today. A product of a broken home, she had had a nomadic childhood. The wandering existence had left its mark. She did not call a place home, she had no roots. She had always been a free soul, right from her tender years. Before she came to understand the concept of ‘living the moment’. , she had begun living it. She had studied architecture and had managed her way through management school, which had been the perfect course for her vivacious and shrewd personality. Today she headed one of the leading architectural firms in the city, and was on the verge of further expansion.
Her ambition and love for freedom had seen to that she had no permanent relationship. A string of affairs was her personal history. And somehow she had preferred it that way. Both her parents had passed away longtime back. And today, at this point in her life, she felt the need of people, and somehow her ability to let people go did not seem too appealing to her anymore.

The week she had discovered it, she had been too shocked to even consider the notion. Her husband was cheating on her. And she had no idea how to deal with it.
To top it all, she was pregnant, finally. After many years, they had finally managed to produce a life, a child. And she couldn’t think of worse timing.
She had had no inkling or doubt about his fidelity, nor had she any suspicions.
So, it had come as a bigger shock when she finally discovered that the “Mrs.” in the “Mr. and Mrs. Ajit” checked in many times in one of the local five star hotel wasn’t her.
After the initial shock, she wanted to find out who it was that he was cheating on her with.
The numbness which finally came to Sandhya as she watched the earthy beauty clinging to the arms of her husband, as Sandhya walked across from them, unknown to them, was a relieving difference from the heart stabbing pain of realization of her husband’s infidelity.
It was as if somewhere in her subconscious she had always believed that, that particular ghost from her past to exact her revenge. And what better than to steal her husband from her. Somehow, that it was Usha in his arms seemed befitting revenge to Sandhya.

She had met Ajit when his company had approached her firm for some project regarding the building of his new office. What started as casual flirtation turned out into a full fledged affair, with them meeting everyday after their respective office hours. She found him interesting. He was honest to her; she knew that he was married and that he had no intention of making an honest woman out of her by divorcing his wife. But, that had suited her then.
As the initial thrill of the affair wore off, Usha alarmingly realized that she wanted more of him than a clandestine affair.
And in order to put across her intention to him, she had first to research his background. She wanted to see his wife.
She knew his wife was a book reviewer and at times could be found in the local library.
Hence, she once followed his wife, at a distance, across town to the library.
In order to get a closer look, she had entered the library to find her sitting at one of the corner tables engrossed in a book. The breath had caught in Usha’s throat. It was like she had waited and eventually found her nemesis in a spectre of a distant past.
The plain beauty sitting in the library was not as beautiful or accomplished like her, but as always, the quiet contentment reflecting from her still managed to arouse her insecurities.
Shaken, she had turned and left the library.

In the initial period of discovering his deception, Sandhya suffered alone. She did not want to reveal anything to anyone. She did not know whether it was pride or some twisted sense of self preservation that had sealed her lips.
She went around with her daily routine in numb automation. At points she clinged on to daily acts of mundane activity to keep her desolation from overwhelming her and at times she just slumped in some corner of her house hyperventilating and crying her eyes sore till she was too tired for anything else. The questions that arised; about what went wrong, about what was less in her, about whether her whole married life being a farce; did not have any answers.
She knew some day she had to face and answer them. But for now, she was not ready to keep her whole being on a platter to be any more trampled upon by her husband.
If the present problems were not enough, with infidelity and her pregnancy, she had to contend with memories of the past.
Usha, her competitor today, Usha her best friend then.

Redemption part 1.

2009-09-04T20:49:00.001+05:30

The slight evening breeze gently pushed the branches of the apple tree, heavily laden with the ripe red orbs. With a cup of warm tea in one hand and a book in another Sandhya slowly made her way to the chair under the tree. She felt like the tree herself. Heavy and clumsy. She was entering the ninth month of her pregnancy and was at the stage where she felt she waddled more than walked. Settling herself in the chair and resting her legs on the little stool in front of her, she looked up at the red globes hanging there, ready to take their plunge downwards, proving time and again to the world, the concept of gravity, irrespective of the fact that they may be squashed, scarred or broken, pecked away at, by birds, trampled by foot or even if they survived all this, taken away, sold and eaten by humans.
“Impulsive little ones”, she teased them good naturedly.
She remembered another time, when she, herself, brimming with happiness, was somewhat like the same apples she teased, unknowingly, setting herself up for hurt.
She had had the life she had wanted and planned. She had done well in academics, married well, and had a good job.
She was in love with her husband and had no doubt that he loved her too.
All she had wanted was a baby. Their baby. And it seemed even that was on the way.
But somehow, it was as if, after the perfection of her life till then, it had been time to balance it with heartbreak and unhappiness, as if some cosmic balancing mechanism wanted to put right the mistake it had made by providing a single entity with so much happiness, by raining down hurt.

Usha barely noticed the breeze lifting the strands of her black tresses and playing with them. Nor did she notice the world walking past her. The world spinning around her. It was as if she was trapped in a time wrap. A time wrap which hung only on the medical report in her hands. The medical report which in simple, cold, clinical terms said that she had leukemia, in its advanced stage.
She broke out of her reverie as a vehicle honked behind her.
The last visit to her physician regarding some routine fatigue problem had led to blood tests revealing an increased blood count of white cells.
Too shocked to think anymore, she slowly made her way to her car.
She knew it was time to subtract many years from her hypothetical assumption of the time span of her life. How was she supposed to do all the things she was supposed to do in her life? More than that, how was she supposed to figure out all those things before her time ran out?
Slowly the shock wore off as tears, as she slumped against the steering.

Sandhya walked back to the house, her mind engulfed in the memories of the past. She had always loved reading. More than humans she found pleasure in the company of books. Silent, giving, reliable and faithful books. All the peaceful and pleasant memories of her childhood were related to books in one way or another. She had graduated in library sciences. Hence, her job, which she applied for after her marriage to Ajit, was perfect for her. Her profile was of a book reviewer. She was supposed to read the book and prepare a review for it. She could not think of anything better. Reading was a pleasure and writing a hobby. Picture perfect.
Even her family, her parents and her in-laws, were glad for her. The job did not require much traveling and she could conduct her work from home.Ajit had seemed happy too.
But somehow, when she thought back now, she realized she never knew what was going on in his mind. The husband whom she had come to love and thought she knew had turned out to be someone else altogether.
He had been her father’s friend’s son. After the initial matchmaking ruckus by their parents, they had finally met and decided to get married. He was a mechanical engineer by profession, who had dreams of setting up his own business.
She had been attracted to his dynamism and energy; he in turn to her calm demeanor and simplicity.
Their marriage of 8 years had also been normal, with its usual ups and downs. She had thought he was satisfied with life, and she herself had been content.
Though she did not fancy their relationship to be the epitome of romance, she had had realistic expectations of harmony and satisfaction.
Why had he then felt the need to go to another woman?

back to back.

2009-09-02T19:04:00.002+05:30

i know...i know..ek baar shuru..tho no stopping,eh?

just wanted to wish all my malayali,kolayalee friends....a very,very happy onam!!!

njaaaiiii....d mallu shtyle...and make all z mallus proud......

my next post will be multiseries story...which i wrote a long time back.....that will keep people who miss me occupied.....as i write something lethal,deadly and new.....

happy onam again guys...to everyone....mallu or not........

better late than never......

2009-09-01T19:19:00.003+05:30

hello everybody......i guess i am back..though i am running low on energy and emotions and all possible unwanted as well wanted factors which make us despicably human......

yea..i was paying a visit to zombie land and so fell cynically in love with it that i decided to shift base......am just here for a few short moments,coz i can never ever let down a friend....and especially one like our own funny girl,Shanu who actually did me a huge,huge favour by tagging me....i was seriously out on many things..one of them being topics to blog about.......

so here goes.....

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4 –

"electrophoretic transfer also is the method of choice for transferring DNA or RNA................"

PRINCIPLES OF GENE MANIPULATION-Old and Primrose......

damn..it is one of the most used books i possess.....

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?

translucent curtains through which silvery moonlight is filtering.....

the moonlight and the screen light are the only things illuminating my world right now....

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

if you call sleepwalking and shutting down my sense system watching spree..then i guess,it was C I D while my brother was watching it....

i don't care much about the idiot box anyways....not a question for me....

next...

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?

7.30 pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

7.32 pm

psychic,eh?

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

the next door dog barking his oesophagus out.....

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

half an hour back,went for a pumping workout.....

8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?

some old photographs.....

and realised that they need not always invoke happy memories......they can cause gut wrenching pain too.....

9. What are you wearing?

black track pants and a military green tee.

10. When did you last laugh?

cannot remember.

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

a lot of Raja Ravi Varma paintings,they are the baby series..every painting has a mother and baby combination.

12. Seen anything weird lately?

how the living dead can look.....how people can live out the actions of life when they are actually dead inside.

13. What do you think of this quiz?

thank god,for it and Shanu.....otherwise i wouldn't know what to write.....it is a lifesaver.

14. What is the last film you saw?

August Rush.

it is so beautiful that i had perpetually wet eyes and goosebumps....

the kid is super cool......

the story is vaguely sketched with incomplete characters..but like every lover of art has to deal with abstract..i can assure you the film touches somewhere deep within you ....pulling strings which you never knew existed or dint want to acknowledge.....places you shy away from wearing the cloak of cynicism.....

and yes...i just realised that i should be marrying a Irish guy.if for nothing else but his voice.
it is no new fact that`i am in love with Bono's voice...i fell in love with a song in this movie..only to know that the singer/actor/composer is Irish.(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUy64Jx_9dY)

there sure is something about these guys and their voices......

15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?-

a private island.

16. Tell me something about you that I dunno

i guess,there are a lot of things.....

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

annihilate human beings.

18. Do you like to Dance?.

yes,cannot live without it.......

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

Nandini.

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Indraneil

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?

yes.

22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

sorry,i screwed your case all along..let me make amends........my child..

well,here it is.......i tag all the people..who want to be tagged........

a special mention ...thanks a lot Shanu and BE..for your occasional word.....

felt real good...pardon me for sometime..i will surely come and read all that i missed and will comment.....just bear with me...

goodbye folks....

Tar

2009-08-04T10:14:00.006+05:30

she stood in the middle of a crowded junction,vehicles zipped past her,people jostled and pushed her,the honks of cars and the screeches of vendors,reached her ears without reaching it completely.

she was aware of everything,but in such a way,as if all these stimuli came jarring at her senses,only to decide last minute to turn back.
the pain which was permanent in her moved a bit,but never dislodged.
in an immensely crowded sea of humanity,she felt cold and utterly alone.

her hands trembled,she knew it was time for one.
she turned and started walking fast,as if all the unseen demons of her world as well as the whole world were fast at her heels and made her way back to her room.

with clammy,sweaty hands she managed to unlock her door.stumbling inside she made way to her cupboard,searching for the box,the demons in her mind were screeching in her head and the ones at her heels were beginning to claw at her.

with shaking hands she opened the box and took out the Big O joint and lit it.
she took a deep drag and filled her lungs,and exhaled.
slowly,but steadily,the screeching and clawing faded.the world seemed to be behind unclear glass panes.she sank down on to the floor and leaned against the wall,taking in deep drags.
when she felt the calmness she was aspiring for settle over her,she made way to her music system and switched it on.
Pink Floyd filled the room and seeped into her senses.

she made way to her bed and lay down,staring at the ceiling.drug filled spirals made way up from her joint.
what had life ordered for her? Pain
what had she ordered with it?Papaver somniferum
a cynical smile touched her lips...when she thought...Pink Floyd and Poppies....at least life and herself..both agreed on some sort of link..correlation...so what if it was just a letter..."P"

through the spirals of smoke,she saw meadows of Opium plantations,beautiful flowers...somewhere..beauty had its use.
through that haze she saw better times,time where innocence and complete belief in life and oneself prevailed.
but instead of the usual stinging pain,she felt a peaceful pain settle over her.a pain which was very much a part of her,but could not touch her in any way.
she sighed,that was the thing with Morphine.
it had the properties of a stimulant as well as a sedative.
it depended on the user and his/her tolerance.she knew herself.she was in that state where she was calm,viewing pain with detachment.

she knew that there would be a point where extreme stimulation would take place,she awaited for it.
her mind dug out the words of the most vocal advocate of Opium.De Quincy's words ran around in her mind,
"happiness may now be bought for a penny,and carried in the waistcoat pocket"
indeed,she thought,what the bloody shit was happiness anyways?
this state of peace or the wild state of euphoric ecstasy she felt she was approaching.

she stood up,took a deep drag again,and looked at the mirror,the mirror had a crack midway,
in the clear part of it,she saw two lovers,holding each other,and when she looked at the crack,she saw it take its place between the couple,separating them,tears flowed from the lady's eyes,tears which formed a stream and then a river and then flooded washing away everything in its wake.

she violently turned away,she saw her bare wall,and saw barrenness,barrenness of a land not yielding crops,barrenness of a womb which could not sustain life,which in turn led to barrenness of life itself.
the walls started closing in on her.

she stumbled and dragging in her life force of Opium,pulled her Guitar,from its place and started playing with the music,strumming gently,violently,pulling,pushing,the strains of music filling her soul,drowning her in sorrow,pain and shredding hurt.

she played on and on.the music clashing with everything in her,the outside world,racing in her blood taking her to heights of pain from where she knew she would for one blessed moment reach that peak......that coveted peak.....
yes,she was approaching it,outrunning her demons........yes...yes...she was there....
that ecstatic feeling of complete happiness and peace descended on her,peace she knew was momentary,happiness of such heights that she knew there was no other place after that but the deep abyss of hell like torture.

she knew her sorrow would pull her down in a few moments,but for this merciful moment in stolen time,she was at peace.
complete peace.

she crashed down from there,and all the clash and clang,the jarring and swinge and swange of life assaulted her.
she felt tear stains on her cheeks and on her clothes,she looked at her hand and saw blood stains and rips in her skin for playing too hard.

what was happiness?
this co existence of pain and peace? this eternal chase of hurt after happiness,to find it and choke its life force?
this want to physically abuse and hurt oneself because dealing with physical hurt seemed easier?

her wrecked fingers mocked her.
she looked at her joint only to find it almost over.she got up to reach out for another.

Opium-medically used to treat insanity..to such an extent that now no one knew which was the cause and which the remedy.

she looked at herself in the mirror.
the crack ran right through her.

(author's note:this is for ppl who read this and get concerned about my well being.i havent started anything to be worried about.chill..people.this is medical knowledge and fiction talking.

)

snapshots.

2009-07-24T10:11:00.008+05:30

there are two occasions in life where i do not mind skin show.

1.monsoon:i prefer minimal clothes,i find washing dirt off myself easier than washing them off my clothes. :P

2.Goa:well,lets show the Sun God some respect man!!!.who doesn't want a tan?!?!and no one bothers to ogle at you cause every second person there is clad in the same manner.

well,talking of which i got to indulge in the second type of skin show.yay!!!! i just got back from Goa!!!

well,this was one of the good things that came out of the "indefinite" teacher's strike fighting for their sixth pay commission.

bored of sitting at home,(i have forgotten how to exist like a sloth..sob..sigh..booohoooo),my brother dearest(who is happily sitting at home coz he is the victimized student who has no teacher to rag,err.i mean teach) and myself,we decided to hit the sun and sand land....

though,Goa is like second home to me,as we always take an annual trip there,it still doesn't fail to get me excited.

just some memories of an amazing trip:

1."dad....achcha(mallu for dad),can i..err i mean..can we go to Goa?"

(strategic timing and planning.father busy with some complicated looking work)

"ummm.,hhmmm...what..eh?if you get tickets then go."

whoooooopieeeeeeeeeeee.............

what-the-hell-i-get-a-feeling-i-have-been-setup look on Dad's face.

2.beautiful,achingly romantic and picture perfect twisting lanes of Old Goa on a rainy evening.

3.the bullying but lovable waves at Baga and the beautiful stones washed ashore.

4.the haggling and bargaining for trinkets.

5.the salt water sprayed hair-sexy!!!when wet.

run for the hills,monster!!!when dry.

6.leaving a trail of sand everywhere.

7.awesome lunch at Souzo Lobo's with the rains lashing away at the windows and watching the waves rise scarily but still managing to invoke something so primitive and some long forgotten feelings in you.

by the way,i also celebrated my first birthday away from mumbai last Sunday...watching those waves.

8.the wind and rain lashed Fort Aguada. the top view from where you can see both the Mandovi and the Zuari rivers and the Arabian Sea,grey and mist hidden.

the grey of the mist contrasting vividly with the green sheen of the rain dripping foliage.

9.watching the city lights from atop our hilltop residence and the sea lights farther away and feeling peace descend over your being,coz that sight induces you to believe that everything is still peaceful in this world.

10.the churches of Old Goa which invoke clashing feeling of peace and also an eeriness coz as you walk towards the altar you actually walk on many burial chambers.

11.Mangueshi temple with its beautiful pond and a rugged incarnation of Lord Shiva.

the chandeliers twinkling in the sunlight.

12.Shopping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and perpetually walking around in Shorts.

13.last but not the least,the awesomely mysterious seashore at night.

if ever,we feel ourselves to be the most important being in the whole wide world,or

antithesis of it...

if ever,we feel lost and insignificant.

just,let your body relax itself to the rhythms and sounds of the wind and waves on the shore at night.

utter peace.

nothing moves me more than the eternal dance of the wind and sea....watching the waves lash and the surf break..against the dark,velveteen sky.

the utter,elemental force of nature makes me feel insignificant,slashes down my ego and the beautiful dance and song of the waves and breeze which relaxes my tense muscles without my knowledge makes me feel like a part of something in nature,not insignificant anymore.

makes me believe in something bigger than us.

gives me a glimpse of God.(higher energy,whatever,you want to call it.)

digging for shells in those sands,marvelling at their perfect symmetry,is like digging and struggling through the tangles of life so that we find the symmetry we crave for in our lives.

well,i guess,enough of philosophy.

i also need to mention this..the Goa State jail is just begging people to become criminals..its amazing location atop a hill overlooking the sea is enough for sea lovers to spend a lifetime term there....

and yea..the booze.....well...........:P

the impromptu vacation ended as soon as it began,and am back in mumbai,waiting for the strike to end.

but,the amazing beauty of the Konkan strip and the beaches of Goa will remain in the annals of my mind,and slowly trickle down into my heart,as it always has and always will.

should i sign off as,

ice-Goamad-ness??

bits and pieces.

2009-07-12T09:30:00.008+05:30

two people.a mildly sunny day.out to collect memories.

"bhaisaab,Colaba chalenge?"
"ji,taxi mein bhaitiye"
"Cafe Leopold,pata hain kahaan hain?"
a sad smile.
"kaun bhool sakta hain,madamji?"
two heads turned and stared out of the window on their sides and were lost in morbid thoughts.

"where are the bullet marks?"
two pairs of eyes scanned the Cafe from the table they were sitting on.
"i think you should look behind you."
cracked glass,extinguished lives,cracked lives associated with the extinguished ones.
"and the ceiling and pillars."
neat holes,ugly marks.

"lets do it.i don't want to reach the limit of it.lets do it responsibly."
"yea."
happy grins.
"do you think i have reached that state?"
"no,i don't think so.do you feel a buzz?"
"naaa..eerrr..yeaaa..."
vapours,volatile,swimming in system.

"i don't think you will do it.we only have ugly thoughts,making us feel guilty.but,when we come to the point where we can act on it,we wont,trust me."
"nowadays,am sure i will do it.just to hurt,immensely."
"then i pray to God,you get the chance to do something ugly,so that you realise the standards that you are made of.so that you realise that i am true,and see what i can so clearly see in you. the beauty and perfection that exist so harmoniously in you."

"shopping is sooooo cool!"
"yea..i feel as if i am healing."
giggles,addition to Indian Economy.

"i think i will buy this,what say?"
"that's retirement stuff,no...noo..thats after your first kid goes off to school....noooooo..maternity clothes!!!!"
"aaahhhh..what about this?"
frugal design,minimal fabric.
"how do i put it nicely?...hmmmmm S_E_X_Y?"
"i was thinking more on the lines of.....SL*T*Y"
unladylike laughter.grunts and snorts.

lovely day,amazing shopping,good food and.......
beautiful memories.
homeward bound.
"hey..."giggles...."this day will go down memory lane and top it someday..."
more giggles....
"agreed."

"i think,you should fight for something so true."
"i so wish,i could.somewhere i know,i will."

station.alight.bye.one pair of eyes.
the remaining pair of eyes,looks out through the train window and drowns in past memories.

in this world,populated by a zillion souls,people name each other parents,friends,spouse,siblings,etc.
but there are moments in your life,when you look at the other person and realise that naming that relationship is like trivialising it,it means much more to you than what mere words can capture.
two such souls went about amassing memories that lazy afternoon,two people who still have a bit of idealism left in them,two hearts scared to face what adult life may offer but still excited about a lot of things,two beings who search for passion in everything they do,who are utterly comfortable in each other's presence..can spew even their ugliest thoughts without doubts.
if nothing else in life,i am thankful for experiencing this.
thank you.

(author's note:this may not make too much sense.but it is close to my heart.)

train chronicles-where have all our Olympic stars gone?

2009-07-04T17:15:00.003+05:30

a few days back the electric wires between two stations snapped.one of the station was mine.trains were being diverted from one track to another,trains were running two hours late,the platforms and foot over bridges were looking like my wardrobe,albeit,instead of clothes being strewn around,in this case,it was my favourite species-human beings strewn around.

it was as if,people were waiting either for someone to guide them or for some inner voice to tell them what to do.they all looked so lost.
after being hustled around on a platform which would crumble any moment due to the excess weight of people on it,people on the railings on it,people on the benches on it and people on the people on it,i decided i have had enough and made my way back home,feeling really bad for myself that i had to wake up so early for no good reason.a dull drizzle just dampened my senses and spirits even more.
just as i was exiting the platform,i slowed down,like a heroine in a Bollywood flick,i turned around in slow motion and took in the view. i sucked in my breath,the massive amount of heads i could see left me staggered.
if someone terminated our species then and there,it is kind of staggering to think that annihilation of those many number of people will not cause any major difference.

my thought process started from there.
with a resource of population that should actually be other's source of envy and our source of productivity,where did we go wrong?
my mind just took up the case of Olympics.why don't we have the medals we deserve?
i shall enlighten thee,my fellow blog mates and readers.

when i run the marathon to catch my train,manage to hold on to it and get in,there are rare times when i look around and see a few fellow travellers running my race.
there,there go our best runners.running behind trains all their lives!

when i jostle and cram myself into crowded trains and get jabbed in the pit of my stomach with elbows,or clawed by nails or get black eyes(OK..exaggeration ),in between trying to save myself i rue the fact that there go our best candidates for martial arts and wrestling.

when i see fisher women and hawkers balancing their wares over their heads and still managing to hold their own so gracefully in jam packed trains,when i am always falling and tripping clumsily,i feel bad that most of them could have made us proud in balancing events,but are here selling stuff in trains were people cannot even appreciate their art,forget people,they themselves are not aware of it.

well,there you have it,these are my thoughts when i see people jumping over gutters,travelling on top of trains or squeezing their way in and out of compartments.

yes,my friends,all our Olympic stars are chasing trains,in the bid of living mundane lives and making ends meet.
with that melodramatic flourish,i sign out.....as
ice-profound-ness
( because my thoughts are so profound :P)

music recommendation.

2009-06-30T16:46:00.002+05:30

this post is a music recommendation.i havenot written anything original except the fact that i like this song...

..i am a Dylan fan.

almost all his songs pull at my heartstrings..making me wonder if i wanna weep or smile wistfully.....looking far into the horizon.

and this is one of my favourite songs.

the lyrics are wistful and his voice hauntingly brooding.....true blue....

the second last stanza is my favourite.....

MR. TAMBOURINE MAN

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand,

Vanished from my hand,Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.

My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet,I have no one to meet

And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship,

My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip,

My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels

To be wanderin'.

I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade

Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way,I promise to go under it.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Though you might hear laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the sun,

It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run

And but for the sky there are no fences facin'.

And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme

To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind

,I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you'reSeein' that he's chasing.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,

Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,The haunted, frightened trees,

out to the windy beach,Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.

Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,

Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,

With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,

Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,

In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

of rainy days and morning blues.....

2009-06-24T18:54:00.002+05:30

well,this is again a cribbing kind of post..i guess,i should make this my speciality...:(
as described in my last post..my sloth like existence has drowned to the depths of the oceans and am struck with a work pace which has screwed my system up..half of the time i am light headed and the other half i have hammering headaches waiting to enter my system...to top it,my parents are out of town...i do not have my mom to crib my heart out to..so i guess,right now ...my blog is my makeshift momma...blogamma.....
it was one of those days..i was supposed to get up at 4 to study some stuff which were a blast from my past..and considering my rocking nightlife..i realised i haven't slept yet..when the clock struck 3.30 a.m. considering it an utter waste to sleep for half an hour..i started my day without a break..at 3.30..finished my lessons...dressed up for college and left my place by 6.all through this..i was too lazy to prepare tea...conclusion..my head started pounding..my eyelids started drooping,i could not open my eyes fully nor could i turn my head.my alertmeter was showing zero reading..going towards negative...walking through the roads i remember a voice in my head warning me of the high probability of falling into a ditch..and another voice pathetically thinking that it would be a relief to fall anyplace and not get up..but just go off to slumber land....i managed to board the train,took my class...somehow on that day..i had to teach a vague topic...and my students had too many doubts..my 2 hr lecture tenure was extended..all through this ..some weak voice in my mind was begging for oblivion from daily life...finishing my day's quota of lectures,practicals and paper work...i made my way back home in the train..somehow this time..though drained totally of every possible strength..sleep was alluding me..i was in this miserable state of intense discomfort ..as if experiencing an out of body feeling.
that is when ..a pair of huge,innocent and sparkling eyes found me to be its source of curiosity..
i looked back at them....a tiny fist wavered in front of my blurry vision...somehow i felt someone reach out to me...i took the baby's hand...and offered him my finger..he firmly clamped it in his tiny fist..i felt sleep overcome me..i fell asleep....the next thing i remember is..waking with a start as the train entered my station and seeing the baby sleeping on his mom's shoulder with my finger still clamped in his fist.i gently entangled my hand..and pressed a kiss on my little saviour's forehead and got down from the train.

i love the rains..i have walked many walks with my friends as it pours cats and dogs..and enjoy the amalgamation of city sights sprinkled with natural beauty due to the rains....small waterfalls,puddles,the extra green sheen to trees,the super clean look to the highways...
i enjoy them all..
but as i told you,i have become one disgruntled little girl nowadays....
today as i was working out in the gym....i could not enjoy my workout..my muscles were sore..i could not summon my reserve of strength..my workout left me feeling low..which never has happened before...and as i made way out of my gym..the heavens opened..and as per Murphy's law..here i was without rain gear...
sweating and wet..i just got so utterly drenched...and to top it..some vehicle decided to gift my track pants a painting made from puddle water..brown and gooey..it looks like modern art on my tracks....
cursing every second person.thing,abstract i could think of..i made my way back home...
the rainy world around me..through the spirals of my curls and spectacles is a weird sight....
as i was waiting to cross the road..i saw a female driving her scooter. she was also all wet like me....
our eyes met...and in a split second she smiled...a smile which is given between people stuck in the same situation,utterly frustrated but who also cannot help but laugh at the comic splash to the whole affair....
i smiled back...and i saw some dark monsters shifting and flying out from my ears and mouth...the monsters of pettiness and cribbing...
i crossed the road,felt happy,made my way back home..started my computer..and here i am.....
i like Paulo Coelho..and somehow do certainly believe, in signs...signs..given by nature or God..or any form of Energy you believe in...signs..which help us out in life..even if we feel utterly alone and desolate.....
signing out.....as..
ice-happi-ness.

ramblings of an ex-sloth.

2009-06-16T20:00:00.007+05:30

aaawwww zzzzz beep beep censored
i know,i know..good girls supposedly do not swear....especially ones like me who are parading around performing a charade of being a teacher....what did i hear..who the hell told you you are good..
uumm uhh...i conveniently turn deaf to that statement...
moving on...that is my state of mind right now....people,do you know...i realised something...during the past few days that i have been teaching....i have realised that....studying for your exams..for yourself is far more easier....because when we study..for the sole sake of marks...sometimes we have the choice of leaving stuff that go bouncer..or if you have the capacity of rote learning..by heart it and puke it out onto the answer sheets....
but as a teacher,you do not have that liberty..you have to be so clear about everything cause you have a massive responsibility..a responsibility which has its basis on the trust and expectation of your students from you.....
sheesh..i feel old...i was a student myself a month back..here i am a professor to students 2 to 3 years younger to me....
i also feel that somehow someone dished out a foul deal to me.....you ask me why?
well..when i was a student i used to study a few hours before exams...
now as a teacher i study everyday!!!!
i get up at 4 daily to revise....and i come home, hit the bunk,work out,and study again.......
i so have wanted to blog about so many stuff....but i have no energy and no time.....
i so crave my lazy,sloth like existence where i do not have to worry about whether the kids will take a jeans clad lady(who feels like a college kid herself) seriously....if they have a stereotype for a teacher and i do not fit in...

well,enough of cribbing i guess,so..i will let you know the best thing about my job....it is that spark,that dawn of realisation that you see in your student's eye when he/she just realised or understood what you explained,when a phenomenon which did not make sense to you just made sense.....
and trust me...no dope or booze could give you as high a high as the fact that you could actually have moments of extreme satisfaction in your job...

well...i guess,i will stop now..i need to go study some stuff...prokaryotic and eukaryotic genome structure...(looks around,scratches head)
why don't i remember something like that...uhh ohhh..wasnt that something i left as choice..during my final year in degree?

damn..i have to study it now!!!after all these years?!!!?..life sure has a way of getting back to you...see what i mean.....

well,Sam..you had asked me about my first day of teaching...well,to you and all our friends....
there are moments when i teach,when i look at the students...when their faces blur and they fade away...what i see is that their faces are replaced by familiar faces...faces of people who used to sit on those same benches with me..and shared some of the best times of my life......in this job....i face my past everday.....and it is bittersweet,i miss you guys.....

additional note which has no relevance to this topic:
i just found out Arshat is going for his MBA in 4 days..out of Mumbai..,well i knew he would be going..but so soon?..naaa..i wasnt expecting that...
i use this chance to wish him luck in his venture..as well as in his life.....
well,it was his idea that i start writing..and here i am...
thank you,mate..and keep in touch....you actually rock!!!!
here is to a great life ahead...
CHEERS!!!!!

random thoughts.

2009-06-09T21:31:00.001+05:30

i was sitting with a group of close cronies of mine...and talking a whole lot of nonsense,some sense,a bit of gossip and generally enjoying the feel of being comfortable in my own skin.

sitting there i came up with a lot of topics to blog about,be it something we spoke or just random things going on in my head as people around me spoke,ate and lazed about.(no,i was sitting ramrod straight on a comfortable chair)

random topic number 1.:

how i broke my spectacles:

i look like your definition of a mad scientist.i have hair like one and am bespectacled.

now,if i decide to subject myself to an electric shock,my hairdo will look a lot like Einstein's.

mine could be the next photo you hang in your laboratories and pray to, for inspiration.

coming up to the breaking of my essential commodity-my glasses.

these ill-fated glasses were rimless ones,and on a marble floor you just cannot see them.

here i was oiling my "oh so adorably crazy " hair,when a phone call summoned me.tottering without my specs,i attended it and came back to original position,only stamping on my rimless glasses on the way.

SMASH! lay my specs......

GLARE!i got from my mom.....

SNIFF! i was heartbroken, ironic isn't it,how we manage to trample upon some of the most essential things in our lives by taking them for granted.yea..sorry, breaking my eye wear does that to me.......

random thought number 2:

what is it with chocolate?the moment it hits my taste buds,it assaults my senses and takes me over to a happy place where all i want to do is hum a tune of reckless ecstasy.

i am so totally enslaved to this bitter chemical......

sigh!.....if ever there were sins made to indulge,chocolate tops the list.

it takes me back to memories of train travel,with Sam,where our afternoon fiestas were chocolates.chocolate is the only thing that can make hyper talkative ladies like us converse in"ummmm aaahhh ooooh" .imagine this sound effect accompanied by stupid,silly smiles at each other...

i take this opportunity to thank Sam again...man!!!if i sit and thank you for all that i want to thank you for i would be forever blogging....

but this one is for tactfully rescuing me from walking talking marriage bureaus...:P

random thought number 3:

this includes a scene in which Parkar.Jayu and Anje(that's me) walk down this tree lined street outside our college.it was like walking down memory lane.

back to degree years,with those same people with whom you grew up. it was a nice feel.

back to present with one flying to the States,one back to college as professor and another entering the corporate arena,it is nice to feel like kids walking down those same lanes,having those happy memories lap against you like a cool breeze.

"those were the best days of my life"(guitar strumming.......)

random though number 4:

"Lights go down it’s dark

The jungle is your head - can’t rule your heart

A feeling is so much stronger than a thought

Your eyes are wide

And though your soul it can’t be bought

Your mind can wonder"

(lyrics -"vertigo"-U2)

yes,my mind can wonder as well as wander...

when i talk on my cellphone,standing next to a window...my mind wonders how it would be if i just let my phone drop..and see it slowly fall and hit the cement pavement,have its brains blown out SMACK!

then i also wonder if i run towards a window and jerk my head,will my spectacles fly off my ears and fall off into eternity?

what?what did you say? yea..i broke one already..no need for more antics...

these happen to me when i stand near a window..a new,mutant form of vertigo or disorientation.

random thought number 5:

there sure is something cool about the rain on a highway.

especially when you are in a car with the driver driving at full speed,and you roll down the window and look towards the heavens and catch those droplets on your tongue.

my dad feels that i look like a rabid puppy when i do that.

i stop the random flow here....

signing out as the

ice-random-ness.

river of sleep.

2009-05-29T10:34:00.009+05:30

(author's note:this maybe disturbing to some readers.and no,i am not feeling suicidal.)

she stared at the body on her autopsy table.and felt a deep sadness shift in her.the dead girl was young,hardly out of her teenage years.the cold,dull light of the tubelight in the morgue made her look younger and vulnerable.the case was of suicide.and she was the doctor assigned to perform the autopsy.

she hated such cases.in her life as a doctor,she had come across many fighters,survivors,people who valued life too much to kill themselves.though she tried not to be judgemental,she couldnot help but think of the total waste of suicide.what made people give up?
sighing she started her job.

after her long day,she picked up a cup of coffee from the vending machine and made way to the doctor's lounge and settled herself in a chair.she hated coffee,but she welcomed the scalding feel of the thick brew on her tongue.her mind couldnot shake off those beautiful eyes of the young girl.why?she felt depressed.

she stared at the gaping hole,which was once her wrist.
delicate,that is what people referred to her wrist as.
now that delicate wrist was an open wound from which a crimson tide of her lifeline flowed away,seeped away,slowly extinguishing her life force.

she was lying down,face up,staring at the ceiling,outside the bright skies seemed brighter to her,she felt no pain,only an awareness of the skin torn at her wrist,her radial artery severed by her with the help of her favourite knife from her collection.she was aware of a singe,of something slowly itching.she knew it was her skin,on both sides of the slash.

a ghost of a smile came and disappeared on her lips,if someone had told her a year back that she would contemplate suicide,she would have laughed at their faces,she loved her life too much to even think about brutally slaughtering it,but then here she was,not just contemplating but also having committed it.
she did not want to degenerate,become a burden on people she loved,slowly see the laughter from their eyes seep away and be replaced by an irreplaceable sadness.

she watched her blood stain the carpet,a stain which would never be removed completely,was her life too like this stain of her blood,staining and marking people's lives?

she felt herself going slack,her vision blurred,she could see vague shapes in the sky.her father,holding balloons for her,throwing her up in the skies,making her believe,she could fly.the balloons flew away into the skies,she started tumbling downwards,towards earth.

strong hands caught her,her mother. a vision of her mother washing her hands in the kitchen sink filled her eyes,water and hands.both were strong,adaptable and overwhelming when need be.

her brother,her silent supporter,the one who had taught her that people can speak without words,if they could read each other's eyes.

her love,who would shift the very foundation of this world for her.
was she fair on them?would they ever forgive her for this?would they ever forgive themselves?
would they always silently harbour a guilt in their souls for what she was doing?

she could feel her heart beating loudly,her vision narrowed,she was seeing a tunnel and light at its end.she knew it was not the tunnel of salvation at the end of which there was light.it was her cornea shrinking.her heart was beating faster to compensate for the heavy loss of blood,to stop the hemorrhage.being a doctor took away the romance of suicide,she thought wryly.

she felt pain for the first time,she managed to turn her head to watch the laceration on her wrist,blood was everywhere,her lifeline was filtering from the two open lips of her wound like the last rays of the sun just before the world was immersed in darkness.

she loved her life,she did not want the easy way out,of sleeping pills,she wanted to see it flow away,staining everything in its way.

the sun set,the amber river faded from her vision,blessed sleep overcame her.

she awoke with a start and found herself on the chair in the doctor's lounge with coffee spilt all over her wrist.
her pager beeped.

she looked down to find a message from her senior doctor,asking her to be present at the morgue.
shaken,she made her way down to the morgue for the second time on the same day.
as she entered it,her senior said,

"aah,there you are.i know you personally dont like such cases,but i want you to set aside your judgemental mindset and proceed.we dont know what makes people do this to themselves,but that is not our business,you are supposed to confirm the cause of suicide in this case,it is obviously body shutting down due to hypovolemic shock and....."
he droned on.....

she silently stared down at the body,and again felt a deep sadness shift in her.
but this time,the young face with dead eyes staring back at her didnot evoke any feelings of judgments.

train chronicles-the chappal saga.

2009-05-28T09:35:00.004+05:30

take away my pain....(yea...ughgh..my nose,my teeth,my throat..)
leave the cold outside....(viral attack!!!)
please don't let it rain.....(my nose sure is raining mucous)
don't stumble on my pride.....(bedridden and dependent..not good for any one's pride...)

yes,i am down..with a horrible cold...the mucous monster is in me......and as i struggle between consciousness and sleep,these lines by DREAM THEATER play in my head.....as i stare at the ceiling,i wonder about these tiny virions merrymaking in my respiratory tract and causing havoc in my peaceful life...and in my case,a running nose leads to many other things...toothache,swallowing problems,ear pain,headache,loss of appetite...sheesh...it is a blow to one's pride to be overtaken by cheeni meeni organisms.....if these were not enough,i have an additional pain this time....my feet...there are two ugly looking boils on each of my feet,thanks to my new footwear...even if i manage to get up from the bed,i will be hobbling around the whole house...my prospects sure are not looking any good.... :(

well,talking about footwear,makes me want to narrate an incident....one of the many incidents which make local train travel eventful..
well,there i was,not in the distant past,waiting for a train to deliver me to my station..now,there is a simple relation between crowds and train..the amount of people waiting for a train is directly proportional to the train's timing(or train's late arrival)..as my train rolled into the station,i joined the crowd,demonstrated my physical prowess and got into the compartment.

there is this physical anomaly in our local train's design,it is a pole right in the centre of the door...it sure gives you a few bumps and merry go round rides..if you are in the mood...well,i went flat bang against it,with my bag on one side,and me on the other....in the struggle to get my heavy bag and dealing with the jostling of people...there came a moment..when for a split second the world stood still,the air waited with bated breath,my eyes started widening in anticipation.......because.......

i could feel my chappal slipping away from my right foot!!!!!

the ill fated chappal fell on the tracks,my train started and i was left standing shocked,in the compartment with the crowd flying past me.....
an irresistible urge to howl in frustration overcame me...but,gathering my dignity,holding my head high,i hobbled on one chappal and stood awaiting my turn to sit .......i called up Sam and asked her to bring me a spare pair of footwear..i survived the train journey,and people's curious stares on seeing a one chappalwaali apparition.....

as the train pulled into the station,i waited for everyone to get down.then slowly i made way to the door to check out the indicator,as i wanted to know how many minutes i had to sit in the train..well,sitting in the train was a better option that standing on the dirty platforms...as luck would have it,my actions of sneaking a look at the indicator was regarded with suspicion by the ticket checker and i heard a stern voice from behind me,

"Madam,please,your ticket...."

knowing that there was no way i could stand in the train,i managed to set foot on the platform and showed the suspicious TC my ticket..that is when he noticed that i was one chappal clad....
he immediately sympathised with me and asked me whether i needed any help and even offered the names of a few places from where I could get spare footwear...nice guy..whoever told government servants were rude hadn't met him...

thanking him ..i made way to the resident clobber of the platform and waited for Sam to show up....
and eventually my knight in shining armour Sam,showed up with a spare slippers ....
the incident ended with me throwing the other chappal in a garbage bin......

i dedicate this blog to thank Sam..without whom i would have wandered the filth clad streets of
Mumbai without chappals.
and also to offer my heartfelt apologies to my chappals whom i separated at death...one in a garbage can..and the other on the tracks some few kilometers away..i am sorry..
for that..i guess,i deserve these two boils......i accept my punishment........
:)

(author's note:this is what happens to me when i am in pain..pain brings on mind dumbness in my case.......
:)
if you don't believe me,check this previous article out....
http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/03/in-realm-between-conscious-and.html)

crossroads.

2009-05-23T11:32:00.006+05:30

[author's note: i am not good at poetry,i am horrible with rhymes,if you hang me upside down and skin me alive,still i wont be able to rhyme.but,i wanted to try my hand at poetry,not rhyming...please honestly answer if it was any good.hope you guys are able to understand my first attempt]

the ring sparkled on her finger,

her eyes scanned the endless blue skies,

the stone's glare blinded her,

she wondered whether it was worth all the fuss about.

eyes that had true heart in them looked at her with love,

guilt churned in the innermost chambers of her soul,

for how was she to tell,

that though she loved him with all her essence,

the clear blue skies,and the endless country roads beckoned her,

that at an age where the blood is young and the heart reckless,

though intuition tells her that her heart is true,her world will not understand the call of her wild,her wanderlust.

that though melting in his arms came naturally to her,waking up to her dreams is also what she craved for.

that though the world was biased to her gender,she knew the impossible is possible with passion.

her eyes glistened as she realised that she needed him to be with her,accompany her on this journey,

without being the owner of her soul,but as the person she gifted it to,

not as the one threatened by her independence and individuality ,but as the one who revels in it.

not as the one who has doubts on her credibility,but as the one who has trust on her instincts.

coz without him,the roads would be lonely and the life long.

but,she did not have the heart to give up the life she coveted and replace it with a life compromised on the grounds of just being with him,

tied in the sacred grounds of alliance,by sacrificing her true self on its altar

and forever stare longingly at the vast skies of freedom.

strange are the ways of love,

which offers you one sort in place of the other.

the point in life when realisation gradually grows on you...

2009-05-14T12:15:00.007+05:30

she looked at herself in the mirror and sighed.her hair was just drying after the head bath. as nature of her hair,the curls were drying and defying gravity and bouncing upwards,giving her longer than shoulder length hair,an effect of a neck length hair.she hated it completely.why was it that what other girls had so naturally,was denied to her?she loved long hair,all through her childhood,she had survived heartbreaks and jealousies of seeing her cousins have longer hair and cutting them off,while she craved for her hair to grow long,which never happened.they just grew,curled back and framed her face.

irritated with her hair,she pulled it mercilessly and yanked it into a pony tail.

she was running late,her internship at one of the leading city hospitals was to start today.how she hated the very thought,she hated hospitals,she did not know why she had chosen her field of study,which would invariably take her back to hospitals.she was paranoid about these places.to top it,she was assigned a hospital which was a Cancer Centre.

she nibbled on her breakfast,though she wanted to hog away to glory.she was scared to put on more weight.how she wished she had a slender frame,and not the broad shouldered one.broad shoulders looked good on guys,in women it made them athletic.

in the disgruntled mood that she was,she opened the door,murmured the verses,which she always did out of habit,invoked the blessings of the various Gods without thinking about what she was reciting.she banged the door and followed her day.

by the time she reached the hospital,surviving crowded buses and trains,she was ready to call it a day.dragging herself up the steps of the hospital gates,she waited for her friends.

the first impression of the hospital left her wanting to turn tail and run.the thing which struck her was the massiveness of the place with high ceilings which should have actually given a feel of spaciousness.but the ocean of people waiting there gave a feel of suffocation.with a sinking heart she acknowledged the fact that these were patients,victims of the dreaded disease.the sheer effect of numbers left her mind boggled.

by the time she finished that day,her mind was numbed with pain and realization of things beyond her control, number because she was not yet ready to face them.

as the days passed, the technical aspect of hospitalwork left her satisfied, but she dreaded interacting with the patients.

once while hurrying through crowded corridors,where people,wheelchairs,stretchers,doctors,ward boys shuffled to make way to their destination,she was stopped by a young woman,

"Doctor,please can you help me,"she asked.

"i am not a ..,"a heartrending look tried to be camouflaged by the young woman changed her mind,"never mind,what can i do to help you?"

"eer,can you tell me where the Haematopath Lab is?i need to meet my doctor,i got my test results,"

the files were pushed into her hands with a worried,tense look.

"uhh ok,you go through the sky walk to the other building,go to the 7th floor and you are there."

"Doctor,can you tell me what my tests say?"she asked expectantly.

she looked at the statement from the hospital laboratory which in clinical terms stated the absence of any signs of the disease.looking at the worry lines creasing the young woman's face,the immense urge to pacify another human being and professional ethics warred in her.but she knew,that for a patient,it was her doctor's duty to break any news.

"hmm,i am not qualified enough to state anything"she said in as professional a voice she could muster and hurried forward.

a few steps ahead she stopped and turned,

"excuse me,"she called out to the young lady.

in a corridor crammed with hope,death,degeneration and numbness,a human being tried to reach out to another.

"all the best,i think ..you should not worry much."saying so..she hurried away.

it was her time at nuclear and radiation medicine.reading about the technicalities of some body scanning machine,she was disturbed by the sounds of a baby crying.making way to the PET scanning room,she was shocked to see a small baby in the gantry of the machine.she spied her supervisor and asked about the case.they suspected neoplasia and wanted to test the baby's kidney functions,but she was hungry and refusing to sleep.

again the warring emotions jarred in her head.she did not know what to think about the case.with a sinking feeling in her heart,she made her way out of the room.

it seemed that she was jinxed.whenever she was summoned someplace,she always encountered kids.Kids waiting to have their blood tested,kids who dint know any other form of childhood apart from regular hospital visits,tests,kids who will not know what it is to run and jump and play in the sun.

she remembered a particular case in which some medicine had to be injected in the spine of a boy suffering from leukaemia.the assistants were comforting,distracting and holding him so that he would suffer least pain.but the boy was so tensed about an injection poking him that all his muscles were tensed .in that state it was not possible to deliver the medicine.

under strict instructions from their Doctor/supervisor,they were mute spectators to this grim scene.she didnot know how to control her tears as her arms itched to hold the quietly weeping boy.she thought that she had seen enough,but nothing prepared her for the sight of the parents.the living dead,was apt for them.

that was when she realised,for kids it was a bit better,because they don't know any other life,they will not miss what they don't know,but what about the parents witnessing such trauma,to their children.it was like living in hell.

making way back home that day,in a crowded local train,in one corner of the compartment,looking out as evening gathered and the skies darkened,she let herself go and weeped quietly and inconsolably,for everything beyond her control,for people for whom she could nothing ,for the uselessness and unfairness of life.

but as with everything in life,she moved on.

she realised that,kids were kids,be it in the hospital or elsewhere.sometimes,their spontaneous actions left her with a smile in her grim workday.

women with scarves around their head,as the radiation treatment they underwent led to hair loss made her realise her utter pettiness about her own hair complaints.

children who could not eat because their medication left them nauseated,made her value the food she could eat and enjoy.

listless,thin victims of the disease made her feel like a lowlife when she complained about her weight problems.

slowly,but steadily,she came to, not dread her interactions,she realised that people looked up to them to help them,that it was people like her,who were in the field,who should and could make a difference in these victim's life.so what if it would be something as huge as a miracle drug or as small as a comforting hug.

in the hospital corridors and building,were death waited and hung about,were decay and degeneration were reality,she started to see the thin but persistent ray of fightback by patients who had faith in Providence and looked up to their doctors who would go through hell and back for their patients.

she started seeing the essence of human spirit,of never say die...of faith and of survival.of living life completely and loving it enough to fight for it.

and everyday,as she left home and prayed to the Gods,she started paying more attention to what she recited and asked for strength with all her heart for everyone and herself.

(author's note:dedicated to all the Cancer patients,who made me realise about the utter pettiness that existed in me and knowingly or unknowingly played an important role in making me a better person,of making me value my life and its moments.a salute to your spirit and strength.)

the queue to hell and back....

2009-05-09T13:58:00.007+05:30

A few days back ,i found myself a part of a huge line,snaking along to the end of the world.....at the anterior end of this line..was the road to escape..to the destination of our lives...at the posterior end..the burning coals and ravaged souls of HELL..

ok,teekh hain....hyperbole aside....

i was standing in a ticket line at my station...now,let me tell you,this station has been renovated recently..so you will find fans that work,clean spaces and crack-less glass panes behind which sit the railway employees in their spot less, clean, white shirts...punching out tickets for us,line to hell ,poor souls....

as usually people feel in the beginning of a day,i too felt all fresh and ready to face the day....and the best thing was i was on time,to be honest a little before time...

however when i reached the station,i had to take a few deep breaths to pacify myself..and pull my eyes which had gone to 4 times its size due to shock on seeing the line..back to size...

well,accepting my dues and cursing anything and everything i could think of,i settled into the line awaiting my chance to be redeemed...and my soul to be rescued...

my mind when into flashback mode,now,i have being using Mumbai's local trains for almost 5 years now,howmuch ever i crib about them,i am utterly in love with them and cannot think of a better mode of transport(another article will be dedicated to my adventures while travelling in the train).

generally,i am a railway pass holder,but i have stood in lines before in the same station for tickets..never had it ever taken so much time to punch out tickets...maybe,back at that time.the place was not clean or eye candy material,but at least there was some efficiency...

now,after renovation and many more ticket counters added to help more people(i don't know,where so many people come from...i believe in the concept of population explosion when i enter crowded stations)..efficiency instead of increasing has gone to the dogs.yea..there are many healthy ,rowdy dogs for company at stations...if you feel bored of standing in the line,you can howl in frustration they will amplify your voice...no need for any electrical circuits here....automatic amplifiers provided...

since i had nothing to do,apart from waiting(my headphones expired a few months back..sigh..sob),i ended up reading all laws,rules,regulations of railways printed around...after reading and analysing them,[i cannot help it,i am a scientist(or so..that is what my qualification says),i observe,i analyse,i try to either solve a problem ,or most of the time compound it...that is a scientist's birth right...]

well,back to analysis,i feel the most stupid rule the railway authorities could think of is passing out coupons,tickets and pass at the same counter,no..actually that is ok,what compounds it is the fact,for coupons and first class passes,people need not stand in line...

now imagine a person standing it this hell hole for a long time only to find people butting into the line in between,and his line,thus not moving anywhere...to top it,this humid ,hot climate is enough for frayed tempers to run into murderous rages and people getting into fist fights...especially since,the local Trains are used by many office going people...imagine,being late to office because you spent an hour in the ticket queue!!i mean,there are better ways to be late to office...

i wonder,when will someone realise to make separate counters for everything...especially when we have a separate counter for extension,which is hardly used...

funny,no counter for regularly used services,but railways can afford an employee for some almost deserted counter...

(now,for non-Mumbaites,let me tell you,the local trains in Mumbai is an adventure in itself...some other day,i will elaborate on this..now,just a rundown,on terms..

am sure you are well versed to tickets and pass..

coupons are a recent addition,where you just have to punch the required amount of coupons..as per the amount of your ticket...

extension is when you have a pass and need to extend your journey a few stations more than what your pass permits...)

by the time i reached the counter...45 minutes later..i was ready to break the glass pane with my heel and sucker punch the ticket vendor...

the whole fiasco,left me with a thought..how come we are so dysfunctional ,but still manage to function....

i had no time to analyse the thought..as i had to run a marathon over the over bridge...reach my required platform and also run along with my train before i could catch it..

well,that is life ..on a fast lane..or maybe..on a fast train....

of finishing the heartbreak series....by completing the circle...

2009-05-07T16:23:00.003+05:30

there is something beautiful about weddings.....though noisy,loud and glaringly obvious.....somewhere in between all this din..is the belief and courage of two people having the guts to place their dreams,hearts and lives at each others's mercy.....i know,sounds scary....but hats off to all those who make the jump.....

there is something beautiful about puppies....the way they slobber,lick and give their entire attention and love to you unconditionally and playfully...and also give you a saliva bath which makes you feel like the freshest heart in the whole world....

there is something beautiful about food,especially when you finish your fast......makes you believe in God's existence..if something as tasty and sense stimulating as food exists...there sure must be God somewhere....

there is something beautiful about curling up with a M&B or a Silhouette with a warm cup of tea......and feel your heart go all mushy and misty.....when the lead pair ride off into the sunset.....
makes you believe that if someone had such a beautiful story in their mind..enough to write a book....it can sure as hell exist in real life....coz whats in the mind can sure be translated into real life(i know,it clashes with some of my cynicism in the previous article)

there is something beautiful about happening upon a situation which is hilarious,but you cannot openly say so....and catch the eye of another person sharing your thought and both of you smiling about it in secret....

there is something beautiful about sharing conversations with people you love to distraction and who love you back too for all your flaws and few of your virtues....and talk till the conversation drifts to a companionable silence..where all that is left to be done is nurse your drink and stare into the evening.....makes you believe in perfection of the cosmos....

there is something beautiful about goofing around grinning for no apparent reason but because you are at peace...and just feel plain happy.....

there is something beautiful about watching the rain and feel the smell of soil drift up to your senses...reminds you of the soil,germination,growth,rebirth,regeneration and survival.....a fresh start to life.....

there is something beautiful about making food that may not be up to the mark and have your brother and father eat it all up just to prove to you that "it isn't as bad,as you feel it is."

there is something beautiful about teasing someone you care for about something which is their weakness,but also knowing in your heart that you would beat the living daylights out of someone who even dares to hurt that person by doing the same.....
flaws or not,sticking to your people,loyalty counts.....you can later try to rectify the flaws and faults if need be,but in front of the world,standing up for people who count on you matters...

there is something beautiful about babies,their ohh so fresh smell,their all so broken smiles...and their ever so trusting souls,which grips your heart when they twine their tiny fingers around your hand....and trap you there...leaving you wonder struck about how in the world can something so tiny and miraculous make you feel like the strongest as well as the most vulnerable person in the whole world....at the same time...

there is something beautiful about goofing up miserably and turning around to find your friends standing right there...and grinning.."bloody,goofer,better luck next time!"

well,all said and done,there is something so utterly beautiful about life........

(related link:http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/04/running-to-stand-still.html)

of another award....and 10 more truths......

2009-05-01T13:53:00.004+05:30

yipppeeeee....another award!!!! and it feels real rewarding...coz my exams are over......and am a free bird!!!! wwwhhhhoooooppppieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....aah finally!!!
so as i enjoy the feel of this award..given to me by a new blog mate-DPhat..thank you.....i may as well follow the protocols i am expected to..please don't expect any speeches...when am overwhelmed with emotions the verbal section of my brain shuts down....

so here goes....i am expected to dish out 10 truths about myself..this is real difficult,especially when i have already written 10 truths before for another award.....
these 10 truths seem secondary to the 10 before..so if you people have the patience read the previous 10...before this...
http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-award_23.html

1.as a kid,i had an amazingly horrific mop of curly hair and was utterly scrawny..my ambition then was to become a witch's broom(as mentioned in an article before),
who wants to be some one's house broom,?!!!,gee,no thank you..
now,all that remains is the curly mop,which is a bit longer,and can be used as an amputating machine for whoever dares to put their hand in it.
due to this peculiar feature of my mane,my mom calls me an Amazonian jungle import and claims that the FedEx guy dumped me in a garbage bin from where my mom picked me up. sometimes when her heart overflows with love for me she modifies it and says i am something the cat dragged in.
and to think,i wonder where i get my rampant imagination from!

2.i finished reading the complete series of Sherlock Holmes in 4th standard.i also managed to fall in love with him and decided to marry him.
i harried my mother incessantly till she bought me my own series.
years later,with age and maturity,i have accepted the fact such intelligent men rarely(i am sorely tempted to say "do not")exist.
and even if they do,they lack all other qualities which make people human.

3.as stated before i am a progressive metal fan and cannot go a day without listening to rock.
though am synonymous to U2 in the music dictionary,i have to admit it isn't a U2 song which digs me out of the muck mire of depression,which i find myself in as accordance with the lunar cycle which governs my zodiac.
"coming back to life" brings me back....i truly believe it is the best Floyd song ever.
a recommendation for Pink Floyd fans. please listen to the "pulse 1"version of the song..if people cannot find it,please contact me..i will mail it across.

4..i have lived on a diet of horror and fantasy stories,be it in my native land or my own habit of reading.due to which i came up with a theory which i have named
"theory of spectral possibilities".
the basic hypothesis of this theory is that when you walk down the road there is a possibility that the guy walking next to you or across the road is a dead man. thus,we see dead people without realising it.
many great, dead scientists are turning in their graves and those who managed to escape are fainting on the roads as i say this.

5. my mom had decided my name before her marriage.my dad had no say in it.she had even thought of a name for her second daughter.but my brother spoilt all the plans.
and for the people who know me only as ice princess, my name is Anjana.
in Hindu mythology it is the name of Lord Hanuman's mother.it also has an alternate meaning of being the stone which is used for dye preparations.
i prefer the first meaning and agree to it .especially when i think about where to hide my tail.

6.i had an ambition to be an astrophysicist all my childhood.that flew out of the window,when i saw my college level physics portion.i could not make head or tail of it.
i drowned my sorrow by eating packets of mint and the other day decided to take up biology.
i have no regrets about that decision. physics and i had an amicable divorce and even today when we meet we cordially greet each other.

7.i have a fascination for Red Indian customs and Hawaiian culture.
in a way i am religious and spiritual.
the day i started reading the Bhagwad Geetha my grandmother started feeling that i would take up Sanyaas and that her family line would end without an heir.

8.i am a grammar freak.during school time,my favourite book was Wren and Martin.
people who want to get me to stop troubling them need to give me some grammar stuff to solve. i will pass my time away peacefully.

9.i had been offered a post in veterinary sciences,but the inspiring and destructive species of humans beckoned me. all the animals in the world heaved a sigh of relief when i made my decision.
i predict the following line in the future history textbooks.
"the destruction of the species homo sapiens is reaching its crescendo due to religious wars,nuclear warfare,global warming,pollution...............and Anjana's scientific endeavours."

10.i believe time and work,especially,work you love,just about heals everything.

phew,that was brain storming for me......

the other rules are:
Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven friends. Show the seven random victims’ names and links and leave a harassing comment informing them that they were prized with Honest Weblog. Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

out of which ,i am changing some rules...
i give it to only four people....

Sam..coz it is high time you write something..i just so wanna read your stuff.

Arshat...coz he has no inspiration it seems. and he deserves all the awards he gets.

Divya...coz i think she deserves it....

kido...coz i think she has a very smart and innovative way of blogging...

"Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia."
tadaaaa....

running to stand still.

2009-04-29T19:18:00.002+05:30

there is something heartbreaking about lost love,especially when the day dies and night sets in....
especially when the wind weeps and the trees try to comfort them...

there is something heartbreaking about twilight and skies painted with the hues of heavy pink and with light filtering through them...makes you think of home and where your heart is.

there is something heartbreaking about watching romantic movies and crying not because the hero and heroine live happily ever after..but because your heart has become so cynical that it does not believe in happy endings any more......

there is something heartbreaking about friends going their separate ways..because howmuchever you promise yourself and each other to keep in touch..it never happens...daily life snatches away all your time..and eventually only timeless memories about past days remain..which generally induce a peaceful nostalgia..but at times leave a deep etching pain...once in a blue moon....

there is something heartbreaking about the death of a loved one..because even when we cry for what is lost..somewhere in the back of our mind and in our hearts we know..we will and we have to move on..that is how life is..and there will be day when we get up one morning to realise that you cannot remember their face anymore..what remains are vague features and again memories of what was once a life........

there is something heartbreaking about certain singers voices ..which call to your soul and bring out all those stacked pain accumulated over the years....and tried level best to ignore...all you can do is submit to them.....

there is something heartbreaking about unrewarded hard work.......which at times makes you want to give up on believing in basic principles on which the wheels of life run...

there is something heartbreaking about losing faith.....and then being miserable thereafter...and forever searching something which will prove you wrong and redeem your faith.....

there is and always will be something heartbreaking about the matters of the heart and soul....

well,as for the name of the article it is one of my favourite U2 songs...listening to which is one of the principle reasons i am writing such sad stuff.....

i want to share the following lines with you guys....it is not something i have written..but something i read in a friend's blog..where she had mentioned it to be a message..i have no idea who the author is..
but these lines do touch a chord..especially at those points in life..when you stand at crossroads..and cant help but wonder..."when did it all become so complicated?"

"i want to go back to the time when getting high meant on a swing..when drinking meant apple juice.. when dad was the only hero..when love was mom's hug..when dad's shoulder was the highest place on earth, when your worst enemies were your siblings..when the only thing that could hurt were skinned knees..when the only things broken were your own toys...and when goodbyes meant only till tomorrow........."

signing out in a somber mood...
ice-sombe-ress.

NAUSEA

2009-04-26T16:04:00.003+05:30

continuing with the "N" series....

this is about the most horrible day in the history of my study leave.....
damn,miserable it was......

i had this one week gap before my next paper.....so,i was relaxed,lazy,happy and leading a non studious life....in spite of the fact that i had not touched a single chapter for the coming paper....
well,as usual,2 days before the exams,i decided to try and be serious about studies....and at least get a few chapters done..

now,this was a Thursday....i generally "fast"on Thursdays....all i will say is..i just want to check my determination to keep away from food.....and let me tell you,it kills me..sigh,sob,boo hoo....

the miserable day started with me dragging myself out of the bed at 6 in the morning..but as luck would have it..the early morning tea time(yeahh..tea is allowed..so is water and watermelon) conversation with my mom developed into a full fledged talk which continued way past 8..with both mom and me jumping up to race to our respective domains..kitchen and study table...

after swallowing the initial feeling of guilt..for messing up morning study time..i sat down to study some stuff...

now,i cannot decide whether it was some weird play of fate,an alignment of my stars..or just plain stupid me making a wrong choice...that i ended up choosing something called "exfoliative cytology"...don't let the fancy name fool you..it is basically disease diagnosis using urine,faeces and sputum.....

in layman's terms...lets say...it is all about pee,shit and spit....

honestly,these "usually"gross things don't matter much to me...
as in i enjoy reading "clinical "language...
for something as simple as,......"stinking shit"..they will write..."stools with foul smell".
now.i haven't,heard of fragrant shit till date...
nor,does the fact,that the subject includes different texture,smell,colour and appearance of faeces and urine spoil my appetite....

but,i guess,i was miserable that day...

all this garbage made me more miserable...and made me realise that it doesn't matter that these things don't spoil my appetite..there was no need for appetite today!
feeling utterly dejected....i went and ate my mother's brain about how i could not study and was feeling guilty and blah blah...
when mom threw me out i irritated my brother...who also did not give me two pence worth of attention.....
feeling like a lowlife..who couldn't warrant even as much attention as the shit and pee i was studying about.....i sat down again for studying....
this time,i did manage to finish the chapter..but that had some weird consequence....
i was walking around the house like a zombie....

sick of studies..i watched television....well,i ended up watching "resident evil" for the umpteenth time. more zombies and the blood and gore in the movie...made me feel weirder...now i was damn sure..i was ready for some cannibalistic activity....

teatime beckoned again,i thought about enjoying my tea..by spending some time observing nature and induce some peace in myself .....a fat lot i got from that...i ended up observing a mean cat from my building eating up an unsuspecting pigeon..

i guess,i had had it ..blood,gore,innards....for one day....
in despair and unable to run from my depression....i decided to call it a day.......
keeping my study materials aside,i had a quick bath....cribbed about it all on the phone with my friend...and by 9..i was ready to hit the bed.....

but..there is something about misery which never leaves your back..the hounds of hell,once behind you..are...hard to dislodge...sleep was alluding me...me..the favourite one ..of the sleep Gods!!
i decided to play music to soothe my "garbagedumped"soul.......
now,i am a Metal freak..and i dig U2...
i slowly started relaxing to Bono's voice......
but..even my favourite songs seemed to have hidden meaning on that fateful day....
when Bono sang.....

"baby baby baby.....light my way.......ultraviolet....ULTRAVIOLET"...

all i could think was that we could use UV rays for sterilization......
when he sang....

"i cant live.....with or without you"...my mind corrupted my favourite song in the whole wide world by thinking about "shit"and how you cant live "with" or "without" it......

i felt nauseated!
and the last thing i remember before blessed sleep overcame me...was Bono crooning..

"I'll go crazy,if i don't go crazy tonight"

well,two days later and after writing that paper..i can say..i am almost as sane as i can be....
and am back to listening to U2 without hidden meanings....
the only weird after effect was,in between the paper,i wanted to throw my answer sheets to the wind and had a great urge to start singing and bawling in the exam hall...
:P

i did think about putting up pictures for this article..but i don't think people who survived this post would want to see pictures of human waste..and for those who did not survive..
rest in peace.

end of rambling.......

(related links:
http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-realization.html
http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/03/grinch-who-stole-my-holi.html )_

nostalgia

2009-04-25T15:27:00.008+05:30

it was the second day of our three day practical examination.
the first day went in a whirlwind of activities which included hurried completion of experiments which left us harried,the teachers screaming at us,eyes popping out due to our attempts to isolate cells underneath microscopes,writing all that we had stuffed into our brains regarding the experiment,praying to all possible Gods to make our organism grow on the media we had selected,the five minute lunch break in which all i remember is sitting cross legged in front of the lab and stuffing things into my mouth and trying to keep my "oh so white"lab coat out of the way...

back to the second day......the day went well.

to start with all our organisms grew,thank God for micro mercies.... :P pun intended

a hilarious identification session followed with people crashing their brains out wondering what that minuscule thing in the eppendorf was.....

(well,for non bio people,this session is where stuff is kept out for us to recognise and write about..this particular specimen i am talking about was kept in a small plastic tube with a cap which is called eppendorf tube..generally used when micro scale stuff is used)

well,people who could see it ,thought they would write about filters....
people who couldnot see it wrote about eppendorf tube.. :P
people who had lost it wrote about miniature gold coins from a pirate's treasure which had found its way to our laboratory.....

eventually ,it was some disc used in electron microscopy....sheesh..whatever...

(the photo is of the"gold coins"aka "electron microscope grids" kept in the tube..they are very very very tiny....)

the day passed pleasantly with the 9 of us winding our main experiments ....though we had a three days work pace of "the fast and the furious" from 9 in the morning to 6 in the evening..we were all pretty relaxed...the general consensus was "practicals" achcha gaya....

the teachers were pretty happy with us for all of us had managed to find the causative organism for our respective patients...so..they left us to wind up our work.

now,a few lines about the layout of my lab...
my lab..or the masters lab is one spacious,airy and bright lab,with huge windows opening into bright skies and CST's skyline...our examination was conducted in the undergrad lab,as we had medical micro experiments and sterile conditions are a must..for these experiments..
.the undergrad lab and post grad labs are connected..the post grad lab is like the balcony of the undergrad lab...and huge glass windows and doors connect both the labs...

now,back to winding up our work,we were performing certain tests which did not need much hard work except a tightly closed mouth,sterile conditions and a thin wire with which we pick some organisms in liquid media and jab them into other liquids and solids....
due to the nature of the work,there was silence in the lab..
twilight had fallen..the time of the day for memories and nostalgia....it was windy outside..our lab doors were closed,but we could see through to the masters lab and make out it was breezy....
all of us were working seriously but the mood was relaxed...

i don't know what overcame me..but i guess,the wind,the time of the day,the mood,the work..made me realise that, that was the last time i would perform any experiment in the lab as a student....
a rush of memories overcame me..as i looked out to our lab....where the wind was playing havoc with everything movable...
i looked at all my friends working quietly at their tables...a bittersweet pleasure trickled down my heart as i took in all the sights..that had become dear to me...that would now become memories that would take a timeless quality.....

i looked across my table at Sam.....i could see her staring at something in our masters lab...
i turned to see what was holding her attention..
it was the piece of paper we used to write our weekly schedules on..scrawled,scribbled,doodled on it were schedules for autoclaving,electrophoresis,lectures.....the paper was dancing in the wind.....

i turned towards her..she was looking at me...in her eyes i could see the reflection of my thoughts..and in that reflection i could hear her thoughts.......
both of us smiled at each other and continued with our experiment...........

whalesongs.

2009-04-22T21:51:00.009+05:30

"The humpback whale which is Megaptera novaeangliae is a Baleen whale....................................................is found in all the major oceans, in a wide band running from the Antarctic ice edge to 65° N latitude..................... There are at least 80,000 humpback whales worldwide,............................" the zoology professor droned on.

Sasha fought the wave of drowsiness overwhelming her and tried to listen to the professor's monologue on humpbacks.

"Both male and female humpback whales can produce sounds, however only the males produce the long, loud, complex "songs" for which the species is famous. Each song consists of several sounds in a low register that vary in amplitude and frequency, and typically lasts from 10 to 20 minutes.
Songs may be repeated continuously for several hours; humpback whales have been observed to sing continuously for more than 24 hours at a time.
As cetaceans have no vocal cords, whales generate their song by forcing air through their massive nasal cavities........
Whales within an area sing the same song, for example all of the humpback whales of the North Atlantic sing the same song, and those of the North Pacific sing a different song. Each population's song changes slowly over a period of years —never returning to the same sequence of notes.........
male humpback whales have been described as, "inveterate composers," of songs, "'strikingly similar' to human musical traditions"
the last lines caught her attention,
wow,she thought,maybe they even have "rock bands".
the lecture ended,and the students started making way out of the classroom. since it was the last lecture of the day,everyone were keen to get out of the class.

Sasha packed her belongings,said her goodbyes and left the room.
as she made her way home,she thought of the humpbacks and their "songs". in the small coastal town where she lived with her family,humpback sightings were normal. she knew of a spot in the high rocks which randomly seeded the coastline,from where you could see miles out into the sea.
humpback sightings were common from there.
she decided to go there after completing her work for the day.maybe she could meet a few humpbacks and tell them that she had a lecture on them in class that day,she thought as she raced the steps to her front door.

it was evening by the time Sasha made her way up the precarious volcanic rocks leading to the spot.she reached it and made herself comfortable for the watch.she had brought along a thermos of coffee and few chocolate bars for company.she had told her mother about her intention to stay for a couple of hours on watch.she needed the break too,after hours of collegework and homework and paper presentations and exam preparations.life as an undergrad student was difficult,she thought.

a few stars were visible in the horizon. in the distance,she could see random twinkling of ship lights.farther out still,she could discern a subtle change in the colour of the ocean.it was in these mysterious depths that the humpbacks travelled,singing their "whale songs."

as she thought of them,they gave her their sighting.a few of them were making their way across the waters.their stocky bodies and humps were vaguely visible in the dark,but what was very obviously discernible was their singing.

Sasha could hear repetitive,low tones,but somehow she felt that they sounded sad and melancholy.
she sat down on the rock overlooking the sea.the whales disappeared and so did their songs,into the hidden,ocean depths.

why are you so sad,she asked,why do you sing,what do you sing?
do these songs inspire other whales as human songs inspire us?she mused.

she looked at the vast ocean spread in front of her. she knew she wanted to be an oceanographer and would be specialising in the same for her Masters.there was something about the vastness of the ocean,which soothed her.she smiled as thought,that the trait seemed to run in the family genetically. her father was an exobiologist,the vast expanses of the universe gave him a high. her brother was a geologist,and specialised in desert terrain.again the vastness and mystery of sandy plains attracted him. her mother was a mathematician,and what was more infinite than numbers.

she looked at the stars,now completely visible as night had fallen.
she wondered if there was life somewhere in the unreachable expanses of the universe.
her father had told her once,that up there,when you look at the earth from outer space,when you see your blue globe hanging in the black backdrop,in the utter silence up there,you can discern the low vibrations,a low tune,to which the universe in attuned.
the tune of life,of the cosmos.
she wondered if the vibrations of the universe reached other ears and souls too.she wondered whether if she connected and send across a message in the same vibration,would anyone out there pick up her message or understand it.
sometimes,when she looked at the microorganisms from under the microscope she wondered if those tiny,invisible beings communicated with each other.
the same way she felt when she looked at the stars through her father's telescope,she wondered if someone was observing her back.

she looked back at the ocean,
what were you singing to each other,she wondered again.
will we ever learn to communicate to other species?
picking up her thermos,she made her way back home,and the stars winked and twinkled above her.

light years away,in another galaxy,in a tiny planet made from volcanic rocks and gases two beings worked away in what was very much like a laboratory.

xenolinguistics:

90() ()() ^(((( ()()()() \)( )\\\\
()() ^(((( ()()()() )( )\\\\
)( )\\\\90() 90() 90() 90() 90() 90()

roughly translated into English:

"what do you feel about them?" asked one being to another.

"i dont know,we have been observing them for so long now,i sometimes wonder what they say to each other...whether we will ever learn to communicate with them."said another as it continued observing a blue sphere,called "Earth".

(reference: for whalesongs and humpbacks,the reference used is wikipedia)

this is what real rambling is....my blog deserves it's name.

2009-04-21T09:00:00.010+05:30

she paced about restlessly in her room.the room was utilitarian. white tiled and bare walled.it gave her a feeling of being trapped in some obscure moment in time which had no emotions or shades to it.it was not dark and foreboding nor was it happy and light.
yes,a time bubble trapped in definite co ordinates of a Cartesian quadrant system,she thought.
damn it,even her thoughts were nowadays in terminology which she was trying to run away from.

she had come running away from the fast pace of her city life,to get some peace of mind,here,in the countryside.but,it seemed,even that was not working.
sighing,she lay down on the single bed looking at the whitewashed ceiling.

what else was expected of her,she did not know,at 23,she did not know why it was so hard to decide something like what she wanted to pursue in her life.she had come through the usual doldrums of academics,excelled in them.but now she knew that she had done them because she was one of those so called lucky ones born with that trait.the trait which made studies easy to come by.but she knew,people never believed her.they thought she was just being modest.but she knew better.she knew that somewhere in her basic character,when the bricks of her character had been laid,its foundation had been made of the cement of responsibility. she took whatever was thrown her way in life as her responsibility.whether she enjoyed the work or not was never a priority to her.if the work appealed,it was an added bonus.
if a job was given,and if she accepted it ,she would see it through to the end.
she believed that,this was how it should be,just and fair.
so,she always made her decisions in life,thinking them through.if she couldn't do a thing wholeheartedly,she never took it.

a humming of a bird got her attention.she looked at the window.she could not recognise the bird.
it flew away into the bright skies.
looking out at the beautiful countryside outside her window,she felt that she was a fool to sit couped in her room,chewing over a problem when the world of birds and trees beckoned her to join them

she pulled on a coat and ran outside.

this was her grandfather's ancestral home.geographically this small hamlet was placed in the centre of a ring made by mighty mountains.this mountainous terrain was covered by tropical rain forest.human civilization was a rarity here.this village of 50 odd people had a rough,stony country road which after a few miles joined the nearest big city.the country road was the centre of human activity.

the sighting of an odd woodcutter or a cowherd taking their daily routes to the mountaintops was the definition of human activity.the remaining populace's livelihood was farming which was carried out in the fields behind their homes.

she made her way through small pathways cutting across green fields,a small stream and reached the Temple pond.this Temple of Lord Krishna was one of her favourite spots.she had to walk across a tricky hedge circling the perimeter of the green pond to reach the Temple.

she did not consider herself overly religious but she was spiritual.and the Temple's Deity was the incarnation of her favourite God.

after praying,she made her way to the spreading Peepal tree(Ficus religiosa) on one side of the Temple.and sat on the ledge underneath it.

all around her,she saw nature in its full glory,the sweeping fields,sparkling like deep emeralds swayed with the gentle breeze on one side,the green pond below,the mountains,the coconut trees,the country road winding away to unknown distances.

the leaves of the Peepal were dancing and singing with the gentle breeze.she could here a cow mooing from some distance.

this was her favourite place in the whole wide world,she decided.her Grand Da's place had always been one of her most loved places,her memories of this place always induced her with peace.especially,this place under the tree.

she was born with a ceaseless mind,a mind which never stopped thinking.she never had a problem with it until when she was completely exhausted and wanted her mind to stop.but she had no control over it.

this was one of those very few places in her world,where she did not have to try to bring her mind to equilibrium.the surroundings induced it for her.

she looked at the sky,through the leaves of the tree and sighed contently.a path from behind the Temple lead to the initial slopes of the mountain.the path was through the darker green of foliage of creepers and huge trees.she thought of the countless number of times she had conquered the mountain tops through those paths in her childhood.her overactive imagination always felt that the jungle was enchanted and wood spirits and elves lived in its dense greenery. a magic world operating away from this human world.

she let her mind wander to memories of drinking coconut water on the high rock on the mountaintop,looking at the world far below.looking at it from so far above always made her feel,that after all what are we in the whole wide universe?just a piece which fitted somewhere in some invisible cosmic cycle.

she smiled as she recalled that during the night,lullabies around here were sung by wolves howling away in the mountaintops.she had slept to so many of such lullabies.under the night sky,with the moonlight and the moonpeople songs-the wolfsong.

her musings were halted as she spied a pigeon trying to push her babies out of the nest to teach them to fly.the babies were trying their best to resist their lessons.but eventually the mother won and the babies first flopped down a few branches,but eventually let the course of nature take its route.they flew a small distance and came back home.

she sat up as a thought struck her.she felt like the pigeon babies herself,scared to take the first step because she was scared to fall flat on her face.but like them,if she never took the first step how was she ever going to learn,ever going to know or ever going to grow.

in the hustle and bustle of achieving whatever she wanted out of her life,she realised it was stupid to be scared to tread unknown grounds.until she did that she would never know what lay ahead.doing her work wholeheartedly was her karma,the outcome should not bother her much. nature would take its course.

she looked towards the Temple entrance.she smiled as she thought,wasn't that what her favourite Lord preached in the Bhagwad Geetha.

thank you,she whispered into the skies and the breeze.

(author's note: this was real rambling,i agree.but i just had to get something out of my system.

as for not exactly mentioning the problem,i wanted it to be a neutral article so that people who read it can relate to it.am sure we are faced with so many problems in the course of leading our lives,small and big,that at times we just want to hide our faces and wish the problem away.

in the rat race of achieving some so called definition of "perfect life" we are all so scared to take chances,lest we fall and make a fool of ourselves.but,taking chances,doing our best and then letting nature take its course,is the way things work,knowingly or unknowingly.

for me nature plays the dual roles of being an antidote to a fast paced life and a teacher if i look at things carefully.am sure everyone has their own way to relax and contemplate.

hope you had the patience to reach here.

)

take away my pain.

2009-04-12T15:20:00.011+05:30

(no..this has no relation whatsoever to the song with the same title by "Dream Theater"
though it is an absolutely wonderful song..recommended to progressive metal fans)

Dear son,
I feel I should have written this letter earlier,or at least tried to contact you.but you know as we,older generation are from a different school of thoughts,a generation which finds talking about world affairs and the weather easier than expressing matters of the heart,I finally decided writing about matters of the heart is easier than standing in front of you and expressing.
I know,you have still not forgiven me,for giving up on her,but know that it was hard on me too.after all I have spent my entire life,almost 40 years with her,she is the witness and owner of a legacy called my life,a legacy of memories,moments of happiness and sadness,of two beautiful children we are proud of,and just the plain acceptance of each other.
Her legacy is safe with me,I will always carry it around in my heart and cherish it.

Know that it was difficult for me to give the doctors permission required to stop the ventilator which kept your mother alive.
But I had a decision to make,a decision which was pending for the past 2 years she was asleep,in her coma.i have spent enough time blaming the disease which took away her life slowly and eventually put her to sleep.but I know her enough to know that she would have wanted us to move on,live the life that she considered a gift from Almighty.
I made the decision for you and your sister,because I know you will not have been able to make it,because I know I have to live for you,my children.
because our lives had come to standstill.

I remember her,with the sun reflecting off her radiant face,the breeze lifting her hair all around her face,the shimmering sea in the afternoon heat and the hum of afternoon namaaz from the mosque standing in the still waters.
She was smiling,a peaceful smile,never has she looked more beautiful to me than at that moment,I have always been aware that she was beautiful,but that day I had a renewed awareness that her beauty was not just skin deep,what gave additional luster and spark to her physical perfection was the glow from within,the inner source of peace,which made her soul beautiful,which in turn overflowed into her physical existence.
In the sweltering humid heat of Bombay’s summer,an angel touched my life and showed me life’s perfection and beauty.

I will always remember her like that,son,
and I want you to remember her like that,as the woman,who loved her life too much to just wait around.
I know what picture of your mother I will be carrying with me,until the moment I close my eyes for the final time and beyond that.
The question is which one do you want to carry?
The mother who loved you unconditionally and imbibed in you her zeal for life or the frail woman fighting to stay awake knowing that she may never wake from the sleep which finally overcame her,a sleep which was not final in the way,it should have been.

The realization that you find it hard to forgive me hurts me,but I can understand.
I will however ask you to come meet me sometime even if you cannot forgive me. A few words,even if it is hurting would bring peace to a father’s heart than silence,my son.
Know that I love her with all my heart,that for me she lives on through you and your sister.

I see her in you and your determination for achieving what you want in life .
I see her in your sister’s eyes and her kindness to people.
Please come home.
as I said before I may find it hard to express my feelings in words,but these arms ache and long to hold you.
I have lost a major part of my heart and soul,please don’t take away the remaining parts.
Forgive me.
i love you.
Always with you in thoughts and prayers,
Your father.

stuck between inspiration and frustration.

2009-04-10T14:46:00.004+05:30

i am at that phase in life where i seem to be facing the same question on every other corner,

"what do you want to do ?"

well,as in,what are my ambitions,my job preferences and the ultimate is the fact they want to know why i want to do it.

this question generally flashes a lot of moments of my life in front of me.yea..like when you are dying and your whole life flashes in front of you.i don't know about death,but generally nostalgia and anything life changing cause these flashes to happen to me.

there are so many answers.so many things i wanted or still want to do.my background files will give you answers like,

"what do you want to do?"

"me?,i want to slay dragons."(that is warrior woman me)

"i want to write love stories that make people smile every night before they go to sleep."(the ever so romantic fool that i am)

"i want to run a horse ranch"(the cowboy rode west)

"i want to be an oceanographer.and spend the rest of my life watching the vast oceans."(the aqua fan in me.)

somehow,i either wanted to save the world or dabble in something which kept me close to nature.grand ideas,they sure are!

that brings me to the answer that persisted half my life and faded away sometime back,but still inspires me from time to time.

"i want to be an astronaut.i want to watch this beautiful planet from up there.watch it as it steals my breathe away,watch it as it inspires me to do something bigger than me."

i haven't travelled much.my claim to fame where places are concerned is limited to the western coast of our country.but,i love reading and reconstructing places with someone else's words.

as i have mentioned in a previous article,thus,i have travelled the world and beyond.

i just have to close my eyes to feel the warm waters of the sea crashing against the rocks,to see the myriad colours of sunset and sunrise,the sparkle and fast pace of the city life and the relaxed,peaceful hum of the countryside.the beauty of the earth in its snow clad mountains or the sunny desert dunes,the grand canyons or the tumbling waterfalls,the emerald green amazonian forests or the frozen tundras.

the carefree penguins jumping of the glaciers in the Antarctic or the slithering anacondas having an afternoon nap in the drowsy rain forests,the stealth of a tiger in the Sunderbans or the humpbacks singing their songs in the mysterious depths of the oceans,the eagles roaming the free skies,all of these and many more,i could just go on and on.

i sometimes dont see why we have so many religions,the earth is a faith inspiring religion and miracle in itself.

all these wonders,natural-terrestrial,geographical,aquatic,aerial combined with what our species-homo sapiens-have created inspire awe.

yes,even we have contributed to the beauty of our planet,in the form of architecture,paintings,sculptures,poems,legends,science and technology.

then how can we stand back and watch something so beautiful and something which is very much ours be destroyed!

as a friend of mine wrote earlier about how we humans wake up only at the brink of disaster,i confess,even i am like that.be it the exams where you will find me working like there is no tomorrow just a day before the paper.

i am like everyone else,i am busy leading my life,studying,meeting deadlines,writing exams,hanging out with friends,performing my duties and responsibilities.somewhere in between all these,i forget about my planet.because i am busy and because it isn't urgent matter.

the earth has survived before me,it will survive without me or my help too.that is my attitude.

and the irony is,as students of science we study the consequences of abusing our planet.

then why aren't we doing something about the global issues that threaten our planet-be it global warming,pollution,heatwaves,ozone depletion,etc.

to be honest i don't know what to do,whether what i do will be sufficient to save my earth. whether i have time after leading this rat race of a life for some earth saving business,but i do want to try.i do want to save my home,my beautiful planet,the inspiration of my childhood and a legacy to our future generation.

yes,i am on new territory,but i will try to do my part,learn how to stop destroying our inheritance more than it has been.

today when someone asks me what i want to do,i say,

"i want to teach.teach so that students realise the beauty of what they are learning,beauty of the miracle which creates us,and beauty of the miracle which sustains us-our planet."

i am not a rocket scientist,i am not a politician on an agenda,i am just a global citizen making a plea to my fellow citizens to take some time to think on where we are heading.

those perfect moments....

2009-04-07T21:38:00.011+05:30

"abbe,what the hell,i can bet two ounces of my flesh that she will be late today also." Gayathri whined,looking at her watch.

"well,you better increase your stakes,make it 5 kgs of your flesh.Siddhi is going to be late.as always.free mein weight kam hojayega."Neil taunted her goodnaturedly.

both of them were waiting outside their normal,meet up joint,waiting for Siddhi and Sanjay.

"saale,taunt mat maar.by the way Sanju kihdar hain?"Gayathri asked.

"taunt?!! aur mein?Gayu..Siddhi is always late.schooltime se. remember waiting for her at the busstop.damn,we used to come on time,but still used to end up running down the roads just to reach school before the gates were closed, thanks to dear Siddhi."

"don't act innocent,you know that is not what i was talking about....."

as they both continued bickering,Sanjay arrived on his bike.he hugged Gayathri and shook hands with Neil.

"well,as we wait for our late kate,why dont we as well get something to eat?"asked Sanju.

"yup,i agree,for all you know,she will not reach till dinner.sheesh..." Neil quipped.

as the guys ordered their drinks,Gayathri pondered over what to have.

"i cant make up my mind.eeehh,what do i have?"she asked.

"dont have anything.imagine the calories!!!" Neil made faces.

"well,what do you feel like having?"asked Sanju patiently.

"lotsa gooey chocolate"Gayathri crooned.

"lets see which goo monster has choco here."said Sanjay poring over the menu.

as the three of them try to find their chocolate monster,Siddhi enters the hotel and walks over to them ,a litany of apologies and excuses.
"arre,sorry re,last minute kaam tha.i dont know why my parents remember my chores only when am ready to leave .sorry guys."Siddhi murmured.

"say something new.itne saal beeth chuke.kuch tho naya bol." Neil poked her mercilessly.

"oye,shut up,you people.lets forget all that.i so wanna hear all your news."Gayathri shouted.

"hmm..before anyone gets a chance,i am gonna make use of mine.am going to US in a few months.my office is sending me over for a year."Neil said.

"haan kya?US tere office ka Kaalapani hain kya?they send criminals and maybe in your case the retards over there?"Gayathri asked,batting her eyelashes innocently.

Neil reached over and pulled her hair.

"arre,you retards,act like the 23 year olds you are.and Neil,that is her hair,not a pigtail anymore.you may just get your hand stuck in it.by the way,congratulations Neil.that is great news."Siddhi said.

"yea,but be back in a year man,koi firang ko pakadkar NRI mat ban jana "Sanju added.

"yea man,we will miss you."Gayathri conceded.

"my news is that,ki i told my family about Ranjini.after the initial ruckus,they have accepted our relationship."Sanju grinned.

"thank god for that!!!"Gayathri said.

"am glad for you."Siddhi added.

"well,maybe in a few months we may get engaged.let us see.small steps at a time."Sanju said.

"yeah,true.by the way,i may just take up that post as the Assistant Professor at the National Institute of Oceanography.am assigned to the project on plate tectonics.well,i find it favourable.and the best thing is i am the incharge for physical training-swimming and scuba diving.i mean,that clinches it for me.and the fact that later i may get to pursue a doctorate at the Hawaain institute of oceanography.that is if my grades are good."Gayathri said excitedly.

after the initial "aaaw" and "oohs" Neil quipped,"see honey.you may just end up in the US.welcome to the retarded club."

"and yea,go dance with handsome hawaain hunks on the beaches on full moon nights."Siddhi added.

"yea,but the beaches of Goa call me first."Gayathri said.

"well,i sometimes wonder if the lunar phases which affect your oceans affect your mental balance too,Gayu.congratulation on landing a dream job. call of the wild," Sanju grinned.

"thank you ,guys."Gayathri smiled.

"Well,Siddhi,your turn.last here too,seems to run in your blood,"Neil said.

"hmm..nothing much,except that i got my heart broken and crushed."Siddhi said.

after a moment's silence.

"that b@##$#%#, i knew it."Gayathri muttered angrily.

"well,it is ok,actually. i mean,it wouldnot have worked out,seems i just need to let go and grow up."Siddhi said in a matured manner.

the remaining three looked at her,their childhhod friend,as she hid her confused heartbreak behind a brave facade.they decided to let her pretend as she wasnt ready to say or hear more.

"hmm.seems like a lifetime doesnt it.all of us together since childhood,schooltimes,heartbreaks,teenage,fights,first jobs,love,engagements." Gayathri sighed.

"well,,though i have a job i hate ,no love and maybe will have to leave my country,i still love my life because you guys are in it.you guys are the best thing about my life."Neil said.

"aaawww Neil,for once i love what you just said and agree with you.love you man."Gayathri said.

"yea,i mean,as Gayu said,we go a long way,dont we?way too long for pretences.that is the best thing with us,we are just 4 normal people loving each other for what we are without judgements."Sanju added.

"yea,you guys are the witnesses to my true life,to what i actually am.i think i dont mind going through whatever garbage life holds out for me if i can come back to you guys."Gayathri said,softly.

"yea,even if you guys kick my butt for whatever mistakes i do in my life.i will gladly come for the kicks."Neil said.

"yup,i dont mind breaking my heart a 1000 times if you guys will hold me out through it."Siddhi added.

"yea,somehow,scary as it sounds i echo that sentiment."Sanju said.

and their banter continued.

life is perfect with its imperfections.but once in a while,there are certain moments which reveal life's perfection.and this is how a few of those moments look.

letter to a lost friend....

2009-03-30T14:07:00.006+05:30

dear house,

how do you tell everything that is in your heart to someone who never needed words?

how do you tell that your heart in hurting badly to someone who always understood you without your uttering anything?

that's is the dilemma i face today as i write my letter to you,dear friend.

you were always a part of me as far as the reaches of my memories go and i also know you were very much there beyond those reaches of my time and thoughts. i know i am a few years too late,to write and inform you why i never visited again after you were sold.or why you never see me on the road were you stand,still and dignified. i guess,i needed time to get used to not having you around,i needed time to forgive the play of fate that took you away from the people who cared for you without measure,i needed time to let myself accept.

do you remember me when i was an infant? i have heard this story so many times from my grandma and dad. how after my mom delivered me,the first place they brought me to was the master bedroom,the room which later became grandma's room. how i was placed in that huge,sturdy wooden bed where for the first time my dad saw me,his daughter,kicking and punching imaginary dragons with her tiny legs and hands. i guess,that is why ,that room still remains one of my favourite places in you.don't you think we connected right at that moment when they brought me to you?do you remember our first meeting?

you were my grandpa's.he built you.he was a quiet,strong and peaceful man. when i see you,i feel he has passed on his qualities to you.

this doesn't mean i don't like any other part of you.how do i make you realise the beauty of the treasure of memories you have gifted me?

you represent some of the best part of childhood to me,a time of innocence,a time of play, a time of laziness spent without guilt or worry of life leaving you behind.

in the part of my heart where i store the special memories,memories that are too precious to be stored elsewhere,i see those times,playing cricket with my family in the courtyard,bathing with the pipe in the terrace and outside the kitchen,peering into the deep well,taking afternoon walks through the small wooded area behind you,with the sunlight filtering through the leaves,touching mimosa leaves and see them wither away,keeping the evening lamp near Tulsi,gathering flowers for the evening pooja,sitting on the porch and watching the rain,the smell of wet soil in the air and the utter peace that settles over me!! how can i ever thank you for all these?

you were my silent companion all through my formative years,mute witness to me as i went through the time spans of childhood to struggling adulthood,you were the witness as a young girl spun dreams,made plans,accepted and discarded principles and lived out her fantasies.

do you remember those lazy afternoons when i used to sit in the library room and pour over hordes and hordes of books?or the time when my cousin and myself were riding the high seas on the swing and fell on our butts? :P

do you remember my excitement to have a bath with the newly installed "phone shower" and the mango raids from the terrace?do you remember the fights we cousins had and my tree climbing cousins?the family functions when all of grand da's and ma's kids and grandkids gathered and had fun,going back with renewed belief in family and values?the dark storeroom where grandma stores the best delicacies? the mudcastles and sewage systems we cousins used to make?the saplings we planted?

you with your silent strength are witness to me growing up.no wonder my heart hurts when i think we will not possess each other as we used to.you were mine right from the time my life began and i was yours without me ever doing anything about it.

i remember all the cosy corners in the house in which i grew up,the house which had a cosiness in spite of being huge,spacious,airy and bright.

sometimes when i allow myself to get swayed by memories of bygone times,i feel like climbing the stairs and sitting down and resting my cheeks on the cool,dark steps. i dont let myself think beyond,the hurt is overwhelming.it is like etched somewhere in me and saddens me too much.

i may never in a long time come down your road,as it hurts me physically to see what i lost,but let me tell you,whenever i feel scared and lost in this big world,i think of you with your sunny rooms and happy times,i think of the memories both human and abstract which i have amassed along with you and because of you ...and i feel at peace.you give me strength,your enduring strength.

as i said before,you were a part of me....and you will always be a part of me.

i hope to meet you someday before i finally close my eyes. and though it seems remote,i hope we get to possess each other as we used to.

yours with all my heart and soul.

am really gonna miss this place..am gonna miss my college days....

2009-03-24T13:42:00.015+05:30

finally....crawling,pulling myself along ,huffing and puffing...i have finally managed to reach my post grad final examinations....i dedicate this article to my college friends of the past two years...

that is my MSc Lifescience(applied medical sciences) batch.....

thinking back on the last two years....i will not say the usual mush mush about how great it was and how we rocked all the time...but,if i am honest with myself...i will wholeheartedly admit, we guys still are great and we had our own rocking (rocking the world as well as our world been rocked)times!!!

i don't know how the past couple of years passed so quickly....but am sure it happened in these few ways... these are some of the moments which will always stand out when i look back at these defining years of my life..

getting lost the first day in college....trying to find the LIFE SCIENCE DEPT(LSD).....

finally finding it ..only to get a near coronary when i saw the dinosaur fossil guarding the entrance..well,confession time guys..i thought it was a dinosaur till recently i learnt it was a camel fossil. :P

getting to know you guys...and let me tell you it was an all new experience ..an all girls batch...

after we threw an unsuspecting guy as a bio chem sacrifice....am still waiting for the priest who used to stay at AHMEDABAD station to take admission.....

yes..we all had conveniently thought an all female batch was going to guarantee two peaceful years..

boy oh boy..were we in for a surprise.....

the lovely...cat fights we had..meowwww..my claws still tingle.....:D

but as we cats have 9 lives....we managed to hold on and made some happy memories along the way....

i shall never forget the early mornings..times when half of us haven't even finished our quota of yawning..we would be screwing up the autoclave filled with a feast for microorganisms...

i will never forget the fast paced packing session...trying to outrun anyone..for the autoclave,the stinking cleanup session when we actually saw many monsters who would have taken over the world being flushed down the drain...the world should thank us for saving it..we "Z power puff girls"

nor shall i ever forget the autoclave and poor JUJU always bakra for screwing the clamps tight...

i will not forget shooing away Thomas's crow,nor the fights we had with him....

and the "loot"session....guys..i think we may have a lawsuit filed against us if i elaborate here..so i leave it at that...

the stolen looks over teacher's head when we rarely had lectures..me trying to stifle yawns,JUJU having bladder trouble,NATU trying to stay awake,SAM not knowing where to look,SAILI ever the ideal student,MITS AND AARTI poking each other(guys,you changed us,...),FATU trying to out talk the teacher with questions,ESHRAT looking at everyone's faces...

the almost everyday "bashing"sessions we experienced from teachers who did not know what to do with us..

The eating stuff in lab,the ac sessions in the laminar,the discussions over glassware and experiments which made us feel like top class executives in MULTINATIONALS,the pizza eating session and mumbai darshan with posing stances,the chapel and stairs photo sessions,running across mumbai for attending seminars,falling asleep in them,taking videos of each others..eerr ..i guess..again we may end up in jail..so let us leave it at that...

we developed our own scientific lingo for deaf and mute people....(check the picture above..someone give us a Nobel prize for this noble work!!!)

...i will never forget these times...

i have had my fair shares of bunking,sleeping over books in the library where the amazing gargoyle sculptures stare at us,xeroxing my inheritance away....

all along this way...somewhere,i fell in love with all this.....

SAM....we go back a long way....much longer than the daily walks to CST station and back,..we will go a Long way too..(thanks to MITS AND AARTI...:P)

JUJU..we bled you a lot for our own purposes..(bled you off more than blood..heehee)..your attitude in life rocks...keep clicking photos..

NATU..till i met you i used to think i am the only person in the world who still uses onomatopoeia(sound effects)while talking..you surpass me,lady...hail MASTER OF SOUND EFFECTS!!!

AARTI &MITS..(i don't have the heart to separate you guys here too)...maybe we never saw eye to eye on many issues..but we had our fair share of laughs and scandal during intern time..

remember handsome doctors,running home early and keeping the ACTREC bus waiting....

SAILI: "the sweetest thing" please dont take so much tension,the world needs more people like you.

ESHRAT AND FATIMA....though generally quiet and reserved..ESHRAT..we all had our funtimes...

FATIMA..do you still get nightmares about our conversation of spiking your drink?:P

these two years taught me self reliance...but as paradoxical it sounds...you guys together taught me it...not by not doing anything..heehe..but by pitching in and teaching each other about team work......

i take back a treasure of memories as we finally shed our college mindset and enter the real world....i will always cherish them ,especially at those times,when the world seems lacking in colours..these memories shall always be my spare colours....

thank you....

comments:

MITALI: Hiii Anjana, heyyyyyyyy i am nowhere in the pic??????? tats sooooooooo sad.Anyways thanks for reminding all the fun we had. thanks yaar it feels really good but baad at the same time that we wud be done with all the fun, pranks we had........................

dear mits...i sure agree with you.....and here is one in which u r there....

SAMHITA:

thank god u cleared up that "screwing up the autoclave" part in the next para..... :P

have to thank u for keeping me sane for two years....couldnt have made it without you.

everytime i look at eshrat, i think, "thank god she has the patience to deal with fatima"....god knows noone else has, what would fatima have done without her, hats off to eshrat :)

mitali n aarti opened my eyes to my true self n my love for a person who inspires me to make aluminium foil jewellery :P

nathu n juju make me believe that every hinderance can be overcome with a calm n composed mind and ofcourse a pinch of NaCl :P

saili madam, the ever so helpful n sweetest of gals is the epitome of sincerity n tolerance. the mother teresa of the batch :)

actually as a group we taught each other so many things.....now i believe in the statement "everything that happens in life happens for a reason"

i think the liftguy might do a jhingalinga dance in the lift the day we leave... :D

n now that u have a comment as long as a blog post u dont have to worry about the empty space nemore :P

p.s. pls dont tell my bro about that dino wooppsie camel skeleton....had bragged the world about it :P

sam dear..you have my word for it....i wont even say.."boo" to your brother...as for the space..i knew i could count on you....and this photo is the ring you gave me..aluminium foil or not..my "rock" ROCKS!!!

AARTI:

i finally get to read sum form of ur writing..only u can do dis anjana..believe me it was a grt relief to know dat u r also in xavier's otherwise i was really worried how things will work without ne1 frm ruia...i got to know now dat its a camel fossil nd not dinosaur....surely had loads of fun along wid the fights and gonna miss it and m happy to knw dat u n sam got inspired by me n mits u both will go long way too...dont u think u shud get a solitaire from sam

thank you aarti..the feeling is mutual...as for solitaire...whatever is given with love..is all that matters... :P

of reflections and recommendations.

2009-03-19T16:11:00.006+05:30

i was sitting,looking at the clutter i call my study desk,right now it serves as the computer table too..or it is better to say..the computer table serves as my study desk nowadays...a lot of things compete for space in this small,rectangular space. along with the computer and its accessories..my notes lay in a heap on one side...howmuch ever i try to pile it...it has this inbuilt mechanism of spreading everywhere(like algal blooms in pond ecosystem)...my cell phone lies silent somewhere in that space..i have no idea why i keep it there..most of the time..i don't realise it is ringing....and the other half i ignore its ringing.....my CD collection and headphones also manage to squeeze in here...i need them...during my break....a water bottle..and a whole lot of hair clips of different designs add colour and give this desk a Christmas "desk"like appearance. though these clips are look like spiders and dinosaur claws..they still manage to look good on my desk....

back to me..sitting staring at everything..and trying to process something.....

i am in this reflective mood...though it is a personal joke(which warranties the name of my blog) i am always reflecting over something but scarcely reflecting it back.

the major thing is the realization that the human aspect of life is far more complicated that the intellectual aspect.well.i am not surprised and am sure nor are you...i had long ago given up trying to make sense of "EMOTION"al issues which are an integral part of human existence.

but it still came as a shock,when ,fresh from a study session which had left me drained completely,i was subject to a string of events,which left me wanting to go back running to hide behind the secure predictability of facts.here,let me interject,this by stating that though what i study is morbid,and i feel intensely for certain issues,in some sense,i am just looking at the stability and predictability of intellectual activity when i say i prefer it.(not that intelligence comes easy to me...:P)

emotions were never my stronghold..and if i am honest with myself,i prefer it that way.
i don't how how to put it across but i sometimes wonder if people realise that too much or too little of everything is harmful,so what if it is love,principles,dreams....that a little love less given is less toxic than a whole lot of it given in the twisted form of clipping the wings of dreams or served on the platter of principles.that when you are yourself confused about what you want,you have no right to impose it on your near and dear ones in the name of love.

we hardly realise that most of the time it leads to dreams shoved under the carpet,confusion breeding,unshed tears and wrecked beliefs.

i guess,that is why i prefer these so called intellectual activity of studying,at least it gives you whatever on the face straight,without disguising itself.

coming to the recommendation part,another part of my Christmas desk i forgot to mention is an Arthur Hailey novel-Strong Medicine.

it is my alternative therapy -that is alternate with studies.

i have to say,i could not have chosen a better book or a better time for it.what i study in clinical terms is put in easier terms weaved along with gripping storyline.let it be drug toxicity,hypersensitivity reactions or Alzheimer's.this is perfect for a layman..if he is interested in medicine and pharmacy.

not to mention the female lead ..who is the perfect blend of objectivism and feminity without coming across as inhuman.

i feel,i have been writing a lot of "brain"related issues nowadays...i have to admit,i am a "brain"freak myself. as in ,i am completely in love with this organ. i completely dread the diseases that rob people of brain power(read"Alzheimer's,Schizophrenia or any other form of dementia") more than any other disease.

on a personal level,i love my brain.

i can forgive people who break my heart,i can survive heartaches.

it is with a firm conviction that i say,i cannot and would prefer not to survive anything which completely messes my brain and thinking capacity.(or whatever i call as "thinking capacity :P)

on this somber and reflective mood..i sign off......

happy realization!!!

2009-03-17T16:04:00.003+05:30

To begin with, I am still in between my study leave. I am still in that state of mind where I am half normal (read: human) half abnormal (unhealthily). (Read :monster)

Over so many years of enjoying study leaves(man!!how long have I been studying?,when is this even going to get over!!!) I have come up with an analysis sheet which states the following few facts….

1.as stated above I convert into some weird hybrid of human and robot.that is most of the time,I am running dry on emotions and am running solely on brainpower.

2.people talking to me,at this particular time,will witness this peculiar time lag between their stating something and mine answering or responding to it.

do not worry,do not call emergency services. Check your premises,you will find that ,you initiated the talk session when I was not ready,as in either I would be still in study mode or I would be trying to come out of it.

the symptoms you witness is because, my brain is taking time to register what it processes as interruption.

at this point,if you ask me my name,it will take me a few seconds before I answer that.please be careful,though I do not have a history of violence, but there is always a first time.

3.coming to the “most of the time I am running low on emotion”statement. Yes,true. Most of the time.

the remaining time is either spent laughing hysterically over something or crying my eyes out over some sad,past event.(events which may even include things like the death of Shivaji Maharaj,kittens disappearing from my building…well these are kittens whose mom I was with when she went into labour….sob..they are like my godchildren..it makes me sad..when they leave to conquer their world..sob..sighg)

I guess,it has got to do with the pent up emotions burning themselves..ughgh…the things we humans have to undergo..

4.I realize that even though I feel cut off from the world when I study….study holidays are actually the time I spent so much time catching up with friends,talking to them…even if it is snatched precious moments in time for a walk,a phone conversation,a window to window talk…..just about anything.

5.after my study session for the day,I crave rabidly for human contact…..
it is either me talking nonstop to a present or absent audience ..
or me just listening to the cadences of familiar voices..not actually listening..but just loving the feel of something normal …..

6.not to mention that my poor dad’s salary is spent mostly on getting me fuel to see me through these brain draining days…..
dad burns money over my fuel(read:food)….i accumulate the calories.

7.a very scary observation…study holidays are the most susceptible time to catch certain sickness..well yes..it is the time you are the most vulnerable to your past catching up with you,especially if it is something you want to hide under your carpet and forget all about. It affects you bad for the simple reason your emotional vs intellectual balance is badly screwed up during study time. So..take care…..

8.I generally catch up with my past piled up laundry,reading books like crazy,listening to music,brushing my teeth 1001 times ….as an excuse for a break…anything which kind of puts me back into some kind of schedule is welcome.

Like..one answer-one chapter of a novel-another answer-one dress washed-one answer-one song to listen..and so on…..

9.not to mention…sleep..i sleep like the God of sleep’s favourite prodigy….
Snap..and am there in sleeping paradise……..

my research for doctorate.
”the connection between sleep and studies and possible cure to insomnia:studies”
(I know…I know..i started off cribbing about studies..but life is long..you never know when the study bug might hit you again)

10.i crib right left center forward…..
I swear right left center forward…(swearing is mostly in the mind…I want my parents to still think I am their little girl)
Crib…beep…crib…beep…..

11.there is nothing more secure and warm than watching my mother walk around doing her chores and walking around as this is how a utopian world is supposed to be.
When I look at her…..i feel everything is right in the world…..(even if I am studying something as morbid as diseases)

Wrapped in a time bubble….which doesn’t go anywhere…
today I sign off as the….

Ice- monstr- ess..

i harvested my brain and this is the yield....

2009-03-15T15:39:00.006+05:30

it all starts with one thought and you can never imagine the the totally unpredictable tour it can take your mind through....
i generally have a structured thought process..when i start a thinking process i usually know,why i started it,where it will lead me to,what i want out of it and so on...
though i worship my brain,let me tell you at times,it leads to extreme exhaustion.
for the simple reason,when you take a break,your mind is till buzzing with thoughts,work to be done,music to be heard,errands to be run,hurt to be ignored,love to be proclaimed,responsibilities to be fulfilled and life to be lived..along with it the usual bodily functions which is necessary to be physically alive.
and to top it all,all these constant reminders in your brain are talking in your own voice!!
i ,at times wonder, where to run to to escape my voice. :(
one way i love to relax is to read and listen to music...one pitfall there....when i read,i cannot fall asleep ,cause the story usually holds me spellbound..and when i read(as in studies)i fall asleep pronto..it doesn't serve the purpose :P
as for music..if the lyrics or the singer's voice holds my attention,i cannot relax ,i so go in with the mood that i am usually active by the time the music ends...
so,i do this thing at times,i just let my brain take me wherever it wants to without resistance.
here goes....
my mom is applying mehendi on my hair.what if i get up with an orange head tomorrow?donot expect me to lie against the input your eyes give me.you will look ugly .(that's my brain,talking.)
there is a bumble bee hovering near my face,does it think i am a flower?seems it is blind.
who the hell came up with the etymology "bum"ble bee. funny!reminds me of past instances and of my friends,especially sam and kk.
what would it be like to fly like the bees and birds,free from a "responsible"life and just living a"basic"life?
i think i should watch the movie"into the wild"again.refresh the feeling of living basic.
is love a biological function?because the only love i process as genuine is the parent -child bond.
again,is any other form of love a rare species?as i have so far come across very few "true"love stories.
i like the way Joe Elliott sings,
"Every dream I dream is like some kind of rash 'n' reckless scene"
the way he pronounces words makes me feel good. the only other singer who does that is Bono.
when he sings, i feel fluid and boneless.it is more than the music,lyrics and voice..it is the heart and emotion behind it all,which is so evident when they sing.
as for dreams,what is the whole use if they are not rash,reckless and kingsize.
back to love,from whatever i have seen,heard,felt and experienced, i feel "love"has found itself in shackles. makes me wonder if it only exists in books,movies and music. like the ideal state theorem.
i love the last sentence in these theorems
"ideal state is a hypothesis;nothing like it exists"
is love the ideal mirage humans have come up with to go through the desert of our lives?
why is it that when you go through a heartbreak ,it is called a part of growing up?
why is it that my brother is the only person i share an unconditional bond with?even if the only mode of communication we use is verbal assaults and that too a few pitches higher than usual frequency?
see.i still feel love is a biological function(my brain again)
why do i feel so weighed down(no,apart from my weight issues) when i study?
idiot,you are putting pressure on me,be careful,i may just flow out from the posterior part of your digestive system.-my brain
i ,at times dream of a star filled sky ,and me and my German Shepperd,lying on the soft grass and staring at them
i also dream of relaxing by lying down on that shifting boundaries,where the waves lap the shore....where i feel the constancy of the earth as it changes with each wave of water.as i feel my body soaking up that phenomenon... just like life shifting ever...but still constant......

i think i better go have a bath,though i love conserving water when i am at home...why cant i have a tub or pond of my own..where every time i can feel the elemental force of water overwhelm me when i take a dip....
there is this lovely dialogue i have heard...
"sometimes in life,it is more important to feel strong than be strong."

in the realm between the conscious and the subconscious....

2009-03-12T13:25:00.006+05:30

well,the misery continues....after the attack of grinches and mind numbing songs..("tujhme rabies dikhtha hain....."),it is the turn of physical aches....*groan**..i was down with a horrible headache(no surprise there...i do have a head,though an empty one..i think...).now the thing with my headaches are this..they bring along nausea..then i dont feel like eating...then my stomach pains...which seems to amplify my headache...a vicious circle..i must say...well,let me also tell you,i absolutely HATE physical ailments(i know,hardly anyone who does).but,it really irritates me when my capacity to do work is snatched away..so what if my work includes whiling my time away..i cant just sit and feel that clock ticking away...tick..tick...nerve racking!!well,so here i was,bedridden,in absolute pain and misery...so..i tried thinking ..sedating things..stuff that relax me...that make me drowsy..but,the pain really wasnt allowing me to sleep. well,there is this state you reach at times when in intense pain and discomfort you try to alter your conscious to ignore the pain...in this state,you are neither asleep nor awake...you know what you are seeing are just dreams,sights,but..you can also hear yourself think in this realm.

well,trying to outrun my pain and nausea i reached someplace.....here is what it was.....the italics are my thoughts in conscious and the other is my phantom realm...

well,i am running through some dark,malevolent woods....it is really scary ..but i cant describe how..it is me..running behind something( isn't it supposed to be the other way around? i mean.in movies someone always chases the heroine.)

it is me,because i can see a mop of curly hair and scrawny legs!!!!(scrawny!!!hold on..i am a kid in this scene.i was never scrawny in any other phase of my life. and what am i doing running in the woods at night,where is my mom?!! MOM,your daughter is not in bed!!!!)

yeaa..i used to look like a broom when i was a kid,thin ,scrawny and a curly head.my ambition was to be a witch's broom..i was ambitious ,yeaaa..who wants to be a jaadupataa broom in someone's house?gee..no thank you.

well,back to the dark woods,well,it seems i am running behind an animal,screaming that it is mine!(what the hell?!!)yeaa.. i see it now,in a flash of silvery moonlight i see green eyes...i see my WOLF!!it is mine,(well,i am howling like a banshee stating it is mine). and then just as it appeared the scene ended with the wolf jumping into some mudpit and disappearing.

then i am in some medieval castle,in a lovely gown..(wooo..let me tell you it is of the deepest amber you will ever see...and ..it feels like satin..ok ok..i am stopping!!)back to the scene. i am older now,longer hair and still thin(i am always thin in my dreams).well, a witch is coming in through the door now,to read my fortune and tell me how to find my everlasting love.

"nice dress,lady,"she cackled,"though the dress could have had better choice,why did it choose you,you ruin it."

(well,even witches have no manner these days,well,even they wear rags ,dont they?and that hat,eek...as if they are gonna poke someone with it..ok..i stop again.)

"shut up,ms.bitch...i mean ms.witch,out with your prophecy and get outta here." thats me in red dress.

"ok,lady,on the next full moon night,you will see him for yourself in the woods."

"who?my eternal lover?"i croon.....

"yea.you actually want eternity?no one actually does that nowadays?a few days are all they last."she cackled.(wise lady.)

"no..i want my lover for eternity"(dumb lady)

"so be it" and ms.witch disappears.

now,full moon night, me running through the woods again..hurtling away at some speed,brushing away foliage ..and i am in my.....eeeekkkk...NIGHTGOWN!!(what is wrong with the fashion sense of my brain.knock knock..i am gonna meet my lover!i cant expect him to fall for me when i look like a street urchin!!! is someone even listening?!!)

i spot someone,and i quickly hide behind a shrub(i am thin,remember?) with bated breath i wait for my lover to be revealed...he turns and i see my ...GARDENER!!(i mean like,what the hell...yeaa.i like my maali uncle,he has known me from the times i used to wear nappies,but i dont think his wife,kids and grandkids would adjust to the fact that i want to marry him!!)

dejected,i look closely,he is digging something in the woods,(maybe,this is some detective film,i am unearthing the villain burying a body!!wait..lets see)

well,dig,dig dig...and suddenly like some illusion,i see green light everywhere and whoa..someone is emerging from the pit,(my hero?)..he has a cloak and is pale as moonlight...he is looking straight at me behind the bush ..he has the greenest eyes i have ever seen..an he is a VAMPIRE!!! and he so looks like GERARD BUTLER(well,i am not surprised,i just saw so many of his movies starting with "Dracula 2000","dear Frankie","p.s.i love you","butterfly on a wheel","beowulf and grendel" yeea it is my study leave..:P

no..i haven't seen 300..i so want to see it,he is in a skirt!!!!wooo..i so wanna see it.he is sssooooo handsome!!!!

i always had a thing for Irish and Scottish men..Pierce Brosnan,Sean Connery,Christian Bale

and i think English Catherine Zeta Jones is better than exotic Angelina Jolie....and how can i forget U2? AND...

..SHUT UP!!!

find out what happens next.)

yea...i am dumbstruck as my wolfman comes towards me and i hear maali uncle say"feast my lord!"(whaa..is that why you allowed me to play in your lap,with your plants,so that you can sacrifice me..:( )

i want eternity..but not like this...where is the romance...he wants my blood....

he picks me up by my collar and is searching my jugular to inject his teeth....when...

SLAMBANG!!!i so wanna puke.........i get out of the dream and run toward the bathroom.

well,after all this and feeling much better that i am now,i just feel that absolute misery,mind dumbing.. errr ...i mean mind numbing pain and utmost discomfort can actually be entertainment after the ordeal is over.

so moral of the story is.....studies are a pain.so let us get them over and done (read:puke) with.

HAPPY STUDYING !(esp to sam sam and kk)

the grinch who stole my holi....

2009-03-11T12:06:00.014+05:30

sheesh....i feel so miserable.....and disgruntled ...and unhappy.....and on an automaton....

well..someone ask me why?

even if no one is interested ..i am going to elaborate.....

it is holi....(no..i am not sad because of that),

it is my study holidays..i still wonder about the etymology of the term"study"and "holiday" donot go together ,do they? :P

back to my grumblings.....

i am disgruntled because it is holi and i am studying about osteoporosis. sheesh...dont i feel old already without reading about bone and joint pain...and to top it all i feel all mean and lean(no..i donot feel lean..i never do..damn) and donot care if some people are susceptible to fractures or not(that is what this disorder is all about)..bigdeal..people are always falling somewhere and breaking something...let that be a heart,a screw lost or a bone broken or a skull cracked open.

i am grumbling because my days are filled with latin and greek names of diseases and it scares me to think ..how hard it is just to be born normal..and if you are born so called normal..see how you turn out..at this point i look at the mirror and shake my head ruefully....

i am irritated because the past few days..all i can hear is "tujhme rab diktha hain" and"guzaarish" blaring from loudspeakers all around me at all times..it is really funny especially when you are studying something like "rabies" and "patau syndrome".

and if i am not irritated enough with myself for not enjoying these so called supersongs..i get songs with lyrics like,

"kombadi pallali, tangdi dharoon, langdi galaayala lagli."

(that actually makes me think of a fat hen,trying to play hopscotch!!!)

(rough translation:the hen ran,held its leg and started hopping...)

and there is also some song with super chauvinistic lyrics sung by some lady in a pouting manner...which goes something like..

"tere ghar mein bhartan shartan maanjti hun main......"

and no..she is not his kaamwaali lady..she is his so called lover!!!!!

(rough translation:i wash utensils vutensils in your house...)

whatever....when i fume over all this...i hate the exams for taking away my sense of humour...

yeaa....let me make a special mention of the so called netas who run our"dimaagcraaazzzzyyyy"(read:democracy)..thanks to their intense desire to serve the country by hogging up the immense resource of finance (read honest sweat drenched finance of aamaadmi)...they have honoured us students by spoiling our vacation plans by conducting an election. well,my heartfelt gratitude to them.

sigh..i wish i could stop this cribbing cycle. but i really cannot....

as i wash off the colours some aunties splashed on me because i am sitting at home and playing spoilsport , i really wish all my friends were not working or not old enough..or not cynical (read :me) that all of us forget how much fun it is...to just howl ,shout and drench ourselves with the colours of holi. now,the only drenching i get,apart from once in a while when i have a bath, is when i wash utensils.today,while washing them,i splashed a bit more of water on myself to get the feel of "holi."

well,my brother feels that i have just grown old...

when i look at the mirror and see the notes of rheumatoid arthritis in my hand..i just about believe him.

and yeaa..my brother!!! i have so threatened him that i will not make him "maggie"if he doesnt bring me "samosas" from wherever he goes to eat after holi!! now am so sure he will bring extra jalebis too..coz he is scared that i wont indulge him with food!! "slurp"

an mom..well...she behaves as if this is all normal and this is how i usually am..

makes me wonder what sort of a person i am!

back to the grinch who stole my holi.....apart from contenders like politicians,exams,election, osteoporosis,rabies,etc......i just feel that it is me.

now when i look at the mirror..i feel i have grown a shade greener....:(

HAPPY HOLI ,people!
from

ice -grinch -ess

and they said " we do".....

2009-03-08T22:20:00.000+05:30

he stood waiting for her to join him and their mutual friends,at their usual joint,for their usual monthly meet.he felt the tropical evening descend on him,as keenly as the condensation trickling down the beer glass he was nursing in his hand. he stood..eyes glued to the little pathway leading to the seaside cottage..waiting for her.
she hurried up the pathway.sensing his eyes on her. she smoothed her simple,blue sundress lifted her eyes and smiled at him.
he felt the warmth of sunshine wafting along wih her smile and the cool,evening breeze.he extended his hand to escort her inside the house,where all their friends had gathered.
she easily slipped her hand into his,feeling the quiet strength in it,strength she knew would endure long into their lives,much longer than their 5 year relationship.
he felt the trust in her fragile,well shaped hand and thought how well it fitted into his,perfect match.
as she circulated around talking and catching up with old friends,she became aware of the music in the background.most of them were her favourite tracks. her eyes searched and locked into his,asking him an unspoken question.
though his eyes followed her without his knowing so,he knew the exact moment her eyes formed the question,he smiled at her enigmatically.
as she enjoyed the company and food,she realised how satisfied she was with her life. and how connected she felt with him.childhood friends and then sweethearts. when she looked at him, walking around the room,but still so very with her every thought and also in it,she felt the similar sweet pleasure flowing through her,as it did every time,she saw him.
as she flowed through the room,chatting and obviously enjoying herself,he thought of how beautiful and radiant she looked,as always for him. a fine bone structure and strong lines physically,which emphasized an enduring character strength which gave him the courage to face life cause she was with him.
as she joined him on the dance floor,dancing to one of their favourite romantic song,she felt coccooned and protected from the world. when she looked out of the window she saw the beautiful sky and the sea,when she looked at him,she saw her world.
as he held her in his arms and as they swayed gently to the music,he felt tenderness stir in him.
as he looked down at her radiant face,he saw his life in her eyes and he knew that what he held in his arms was all that he would ever need to live his life fully.
he knew that the time had come,a day he knew would come,though through their relationship they had had their fights,making up,taking space and all the things that made up a relationship.
but all through it,he always felt that his heart would always belong to his childhood playmate and teenage sweetheart,the girl who reminded him of sunny days and innocence,the lady who had taught him commitment and tenderness, the woman who had his heart and kept it safely and securely in hers.
she stood looking at the sea,one of her favourite passtimes and felt relaxed and peaceful.they had hardly talked much but still she felt fine,after all he understood her inside out,with or without words.something which stems out of sharing a childhood when people can never hide their thoughts and journeying towards adulthood,when pride and ego at times kept necessary words at bay.but at those times,their childhood bond always rescued them.
after all,she thought,who better than him, who has seen me at my worst and best,to be in a relationship with.
the breeze lifted her smile higher as she realised another of her favourite tracks being played.
she turned to rejoin the party when she saw him walking towards her,all their friends were looking at the two of them,some of them couldnot resist smiling.she couldnot believe her eyes when she spied both of their parents somewhere in the background.
he reached her,bent down on one knee,outstretched his palm where he held a jewellary box.
her heart skipped a beat for a moment.the music reached its climax.
he flicked it open,nestled in its velveteen depths was a dark ruby twinkling back at her. an amber as intense and deep as their love.she looked at the unspoken question in his eyes.
she took a step forward and sat on his outstretched,half bent leg. with her fingers,she traced a path from his hairline,down his nose till she reached his lips.she closed her eyes.in that short time,her whole life flashed before her.he was there in each of her frames. she opened her eyes,tears brimmed in them and whispered,"yes."
under starstudded skies and among people who knew them and cared for them all along,he slipped the ring into her fingers.
as she threw her arms around him,he looked towards the heaven and sent a silent prayer to the forces who had led him home.
(author's note: well,this happens to me when i am high on music and on the brink of sleep. "yellow"by coldplay brought this on.and yea,i have been starving myself of M&Bs. sometimes,when you starve yourself of something,it is the only thing playing in your head.

:) )

all in a day's work(part 3)

2009-03-04T21:50:00.000+05:30

As Maya walked down the streets looking at the shops and their displays,she started feeling better.
Maybe I should take out more time for myself,then maybe I will feel less taken for granted and regain my esteem,she thought. How am I supposed to expect people to respect me when I myself donot do or feel so. How am I supposed to feel good?maybe I could do something creative,but what? Ohh God,help me out of this unwanted thoughts and the muckmire it creates,she pleaded.

Sam looked at the poster put up in front of her shop.
“indulge your imagination, turn designer this summer.
Calling out to all wannabe dsigners,freelancers and people out to have some fun.
Design an outfit for us and get a cash award if your entry gets selected”

She hoped that this worked.she knew that there would be a lot of junk entries,but if just one out of them inspired her or gave her a starting point,maybe that would be all that she needed.

Atreyi was having a good day,apart from the people looking at her as if she was from a different galaxy. Well never mind,her plans were falling into place. There were just a few people to be helped now.

Maya couldnot believe her eyes. Just what she needed. Who cared if she won as far as she could design. She ran into the shop ,took the paper and pencils and sat down to rack her brain to dig out the designs stored in some distant time zone in her grey matter.

“I tell you ,karan, you cannot just sit here doing nothing about having no job. Work doesnt just walk into your life,you are supposed to go look for it.”
Karan looked at his mother.he was used to this.but he just wanted to enjoy life at present.who cares right now for work,he thought.this was all because of Neil next door.
Similar birthdays and birthtimes were all they shared,the similarity ended their. Whereas Neil was hardworking ,determined and smart,Karan was lazy and hoped for things to be easier in life.
Well,if he doesn’t send out the appropriate wish soon his stars would just let him down.

Sam was astonished. The afternoon had seen many townpeople coming in to have fun.
She had enjoyed too,mingling with them. But what astonished her was the design she was staring at.she had just hoped for an inspiration,but she had got the whole job done. She just loved this design,from the moment she set eyes on it. she looked for the name.
Maya.
Aaahh,she thought,illusion. What a dear one at that too.she smiled and got the prize ready with an offer.

Maya couldnot contain her happiness,not only did she have some thick wads of notes in her wallet,she felt much better and happy .and she had an offer too ,to freelance from home for the boutique.an offer she grabbed with both hands. She knew she could manage it with all the other work. Actually,she looked forward to it.
Enroute,she stopped at the fish market to get fish for dinner. She saw Rambau and went over and placed her order.
Rambau looked at his customer. He knew her .she was an old customer.
A harried mother of two.
Smiles seem to be brimming and overflowing from her,today.
He gave her,her order.
She gave a dazzling smile and said,”Thank you,Rambau.”
The dazzle of her smile put some fairy dust back into Rambau’s life.He smiled too and thought,maybe there is still hope for mankind. The goodlord save us all.
Maybe he should also shut down the shop early and go home for a family evening. After all,nothing was more important to him than his family.

“I told you to go look into that job opening,but no,you wouldn’t. Neil got through though,why don’t you ever listen to me…….”
He tuned out his mother’s words,yawned and went back to sleep.

Atreyi was tired after her day’s work. She had done almost everything set out for her by her boss. Except there was some frequency problem with some boy and his work related problem. Well,that was technical glitch,not her field. She slowly made her way back into the sea. Her boss alone knew,where her next tour would be,or for that matter where her colleagues had travelled. She had so much catching up to do before her next assignment.
Reaching her bed,she settled down for a short sleep before making way to the heavens.

Unknowing to her,little Dhruv looked out to the sea,hoping to see his lady star make her way back to the heavens.

Ajay looked through his telescope again and puzzled over the phenomenon he had been witnessing for the past couple of times.
Star disappearance. One night they are there,the next they aren’t, and then again they are there,only to disappear again after a while. He had heard about stars dying,but this was not the case. Well,maybe he could research on it. it seemed like an undiscovered phenomenon. He settled back for his backbreaking job.

Well,a day’s work is done,for me too. My employee is back in place,safe and sound. Ajay has his research topic,which he can try to fit into terms of physics,Maya has back her zeal for life,Samyukta’s blood pressure is back to normal,Rambau has his faith restored in mankind, &little children still believe in magic.
And yes,donot worry about Karan,his time will come too.
When his stars reach favourable positions and walk around in his life. It will take sometime. After all Atreyi has other places and people she is responsible for.
You ask me how?
well,I think you people have named it astrology.how stars and planets,
my employees affect your lives.well. this is how it is.and this was just one day from the life of one star.imagine all my stars and all you people.
And the time lag between your wishes and they becoming true is because,my stars are busy,but they are not uncaring,they will take their time,but you will sure have them walking around in your lives. And that is a promise. Work hard wish well, always, you never know if your star is around.

Ohh, you ask me, who am i?
hmm..mankind has tried defining me,sometimes accepting my existence, sometimes declining to accept it, sometimes sadly demeaning it and more frequently nowadays using it for their own sake. They search for me high and low,when all the time I am residing in them,helping those who have realized it to live full lives and trying to make those who have not realized it ,see the truth.
I am GOD (isn’t,that what you humans have named me?)
Have a happy life.

(author's note:i decided to write this after realising i have had enough of writing sad stories for the time being.and the idea formed in my head after having a conversation with a dear friend about astrology(i hope u recognise yourself,dear friend)it got me thinking about a fantasy story in which stars dont just sit in heavens,but walk the earth. remember..i told you,i have a thing with stars.
also,a recommendation,i have never known what to do where astrology was concerned. but i have never come across a well put explanation for it ,than what i have read in "the memoirs of a geisha".it is well worth a read.)

all in a day's work(part 2)

2009-03-02T21:29:00.000+05:30

Samyukta looked out into the sea where her son and husband where playing in the water. Her daughter was busy making a sand castle. A typical day in the beach. Family time. Everyone around her enjoying themselves. She wished she could also do so. Small problems here and there. what was it about these small problems that took away her peace of mind. She hated herself for it.
She is your typical working family woman. she had to mind her house, her family and the boutique she ran near the town market. She did these pretty well too.
But you know, sometimes I like to throw challenges at my players so that they donot become complacent. My dear Sam here was worried about a design for the summer collection she was expected to put up in a week. None of the designers seem to come up with anything original. Nor could she come up with any idea herself. Nothing seemed satisfactory.
Now you see, some of these humans are pretty hard on themselves,pushing themselves and all others around them for the best. Sam was that sort too.
“hey ,Sam .come on, join us,in the water,” her husband called out.
She shook out of her problems and pulled her daughter along into the warm waters.
“whats with you,Sam? Worried about something?” her husband asked
“nothing.just the usual. The summer collection problem.forget it” she replied.
“aaahh.the designs which donot appeal to you and the designers whom you torment.” He teased back spraying her with water.
She ducked to avoid the spray and grinned. “you bet,mr.brains.any
brainwaves to help us lesser mortals out?”
“my sand castle is better than their’s .dont you think so ,daddy?” interrupted their daughter.
“yes my sweetie..”he said and pulled his daughter onto his shoulders.
Looking at sam he said,
”that just maybe your answer.like comparing sandcastles,compare designs you have never seen.. Expand your search. Ask people to freelance.maybe you may just get what you want.”
She stood in the warm waters chewing on the idea.

No one ,but a few children playing on the beach saw a shimmering lady come out of the green waters and walk towards town. Atreyi,who had begun her work,by granting her first customer her wish. A solution to her summer collection problem. As for the children who saw her, they never told anyone,they just looked at themselves and went back to playing. Well, it really seems even kids are growing up too fast nowadays,they know when their parents will believe them and when they wont.
Sad,don’t you think so?

In another part of town,Maya looked at her bills.a house wife,with two children and a husband who is an engineer,she had the usual monotonous but secure life which involved keeping the house,paying the bills,cooking meals,looking after the children’s studies and after her husband’s well being. A job which is hard but rarely appreciated and very frequently taken for granted.
But today was different. She was tired.tired of the monotony and pace her life had taken. Like many other women like her,she had kept aside tentative dreams as she stepped into matrimony. Her life thereafter was such a whirlwind that those dreams blew away with them.dreams of becoming a fashion designer But as life progresses.it seems these human species have the habit of thinking back and digging out regrets which later on taunt them.
Well,today was such a day for dear Maya.
On sudden impulse she threw the bills aside and decided she would have the afternoon to indulge herself. Maybe go in for a shopping spree. Anything to do with pampering oneself. A day just for herself before her children and husband returned home.

Rambau looked at his customers. There was chaos all around him in the fish market. He owned this place. But felt very much tired and disheartened today. A fight in the morning with your better half is no way to start a day. And to be called inconsiderate was really not fair. He had spent half his life in this market,bringing up business not be called inconsiderate,only so that his family would be better off,his children could study and get away from this life. He sighed. And to top it,today the customers also seemed irritated. He really was feeling old and tired and was sick of customers who treated him less of a human just because he smelt of fish.after all he also worked hard for a living,like most of them. And these people ,no courtesy at all,not even a thanks for all the cutting ,selling and haggling he did for them.such is life,he thought and went about his work.

As Atreyi walked about town,looking like a normal pretty lady in shilmmering clothes,she tried to tune out the clamour in her head. She could hear thousands of voices,praying out for wishes. But she had only a select few to answer. That was what her job was. She tried to tune into the waves she was supposed to catch.

all in a day's work(part 1)

2009-02-27T12:19:00.000+05:30

(this a multi series short story.
:) paradox,eh? bear with me till i finish publishing it on my blog. all of it together is too long.
and trying on the patience. hope i can build some excitement here,by dividing it into parts. so here goes..my version of a fairytale...)

The young bespectacled man climbed up the stairs to his terrace, with a flask of coffee for company, to start his work. Well, his work was star gazing; when the entire world on his side of the hemisphere slept he gazed at these twinkling beings.
Well, meet Ajay; he is a physics student at the local university finishing his masters in astrophysics. He sure wants to pursue his doctorate, but as per his passionate nature, he does not want to just do it for the sake of it. He wants to research on something new and groundbreaking. I sometimes donot understand, how I am supposed to allow these stars in the sky to help him break grounds? Hmmm..Nonetheless.he has being at this for some years now, seeking inspiration from my twinkling employees. And I feel he has also noticed something which just may be his starbreaking..eerr..Backbreaking..Sorry, groundbreaking research.

Then I guess, it is time to set certain things in motion. Certain lives are to be changed, I better start my work. let me check..hmm..yes..employee of the day is Atreyi.well well,she is the star which contains the river of glory. it is her time to go to this particular town near the sea,where certain people await certain things unknowingly, let us watch the fun, come accompany me.

Little dhruv sat saying his night prayers before going to bed. he was waiting for his mother to come and tuck him in when he saw this beautiful lady descending from the silken night sky outside his window. He ran towards the window and craned his neck out in time to see her dive into the sea.
"Dhruv,it is time for bed,sweetheart.”
“Mom,a shining lady dived into the sea from the sky.”
“yea,you just saw a shooting star,baby.”
“no,she was lady star,I swear.”
The tired mother(as it seems to be the case with humans nowadays..they just miss all the beauty around them.) hurriedly tucked her baby in the bed,kissed him goodnight and said,
“hush now,my child,you have been seeing too many fantasy movies. Now go to sleep and dream away your imagination.sleep tight,my love.”
She switched off the light.

Atreyi settled comfortably in the ocean bed. she had booked her room in the oyster suite. Lovely pearls adorned he room and she lay comfortably inside the oyster. Well,her work would start in a few hours.she as well as rest now.

The day dawned bright and clear in this medium sized coastal town with a normal population of normal people living a normal life.
today let us look into the lives of a few,what do you say,mate?

my first award!!!

2009-02-23T14:11:00.000+05:30

well,well..here we are...hardly a month into blogging..and i get my first award.....

though..i hold the person who gave me this award in very high regard...i always feel he spoils me rotten..but..i dont mind at all!!i enjoy being pampered and told that "i am good". :)

well,this award comes with a few rules and obligations to be followed and fulfilled. and to be honest this is the first award in my life which has a profanity inscribed in it...sheesh!! i cant afford to show it to my parents..:(...well...am greedy for praise..so here goes....

Z RULES:

a. Put the image on your blog

b. List 10 truths about yourself

c. Give the award to 3 other people (i can afford only 3.)

d. Provide meaningful quotation

here is the image..with the profanity which is supposed to make me feel "faaaabbbbuuuulllooouuusss".(by d way image says "f*****g fabulous blog"-inverted)

well..for the first time...the great F feels good..(\m/)

moving on to less offensive stuff. ten truths. well,this will be fun,indeed.

1. i can live on a diet of books. i have intensive training in

a.reading superfast and still making sense of it.

b.reading superfast and shutting the sense system of my brain.

c. reading because it gives me a high(a horrible addiction which i have no intention of getting rid off)

d. reading for survival and maintenance of sanity.(this happens generally when i crave for the warmth of just seeing alphabets coming together and making words and words coming together to make sentences. pure bliss!

atleast when nothing makes sense in this world,always come back to the basics,something always does make sense )

if anyone is interested in getting trained they can contact me.

2. though most of the time i prefer people of my same wavelength or just myself as company,there are times i am a misanthropist and blindly hate human company.( i prefer dogs,cats and sparrows at this time. anything which understands silence or atleast pretends to understand.)

3.i have an alter ego of a gypsy and a vampire. as a gypsy i am a healer. as a vampire am a traveller,that is i travel between realms,all around the world,between galaxies.just about anywhere.

4.i find mud wrestling soul cleansing. well,no..that doesnot mean i aspire to be a mud wrestler(though,with recession and all,i need to have career options). it is just that,i feel good,rejuvenated and at peace when i get sweaty and dirty while gardening,building sand castles or just making plain mud ladoos.

5. i am a die hard,self proclaimed Ayn Rand fan. by this,i donot mean i follow all her principles,but if i could it would be ideal. by the way, 'Who is John Galt?'

6. i am vain to some extent as i suppose most of us are. there is only one situation where i donot care for my vanity.and that is-i donot mind swimming for hours in the sea or any pool on any given sunny afternoon. i donot mind living with the tan or sunburn.

7.abstract concepts touch me more than human emotions.. any great architecture,painting,music or book can move me to tears. it is much harder for me when faced with human contemporaries.

8. i believe U2 to be my soulband(as in soulmates,soul sisters,etc). this is based on the fact that they have a song for every mood of mine and i discover it only when i need to.

9. i love working out. there is nothing more frustration relieving than pushing your body to the limits and coming out sweaty and successful. there is nothing more stable and steady than the feel of iron rods in your hands. and there is nothing to beat the moment when you feel your muscles work beneath your fingers-one of the moments when u know the plain,primitive meaning of "being alive."

10. i would love to be a farmer and own a horse ranch. i would love a life where i am connected to the soil and my feet are firmly planted on the earth. and when i feel the need to tame the world, i would love to ride the wind on the back of my beloved horse.

i am sure,at times that i suffer from voluntary multiple personality disorder(you will find that this terminology exists only in my medical journal).

thats about all the truths about myself i could think of.

as for the 3 people whom i am going to give this award to are....(tadaaaaaa....)

1. sam sam- go pour your heart out,girl!

2.kinshuk- lets get some 'intense'truths, young man!

3. karthik- for once ,write something original,YOURSELF!

meaningful quote:

“When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.”

(any guesses. who wrote this?)

i guess,i have done my duty. and thanks to the person who gave me this award. he is my mentor where blogging is concerned and never a more content man walked this earth(well, he had threatened to sue me if i didnot write this).i would also like to thank "shonai"(she knows for what). and all my blogreaders[i hope noone forces you to do so.(you guys better read ..or else)]

i hope you guys enjoyed this..and never use any of my truths against me(for eg: just because i love soil doesnt mean you guys can greet me by throwing mudballs on me.or just because i am a vampire nocturnally,doesnot mean that you offer me a tumbler of blood when i come to your place.)

the day it finally rained....

2009-02-19T16:29:00.000+05:30

she stood staring out of the window. a body trapped in the four confines of her room. a soul trapped in the myriad confines of the society.

it was her wedding day. she could hear bits and pieces of voices,shouting orders,laughing,playing music, all around her,from her house and courtyard. people were on a constant move in her house,preparations for the wedding.the auspicious hour for the wedding was at night. evening was beginning to gather. she had these blessed few hours before the ladyfolk came to dress her in her bridal finery.

she had long accepted the fact that he would never come back. long accepted the feeling of something left incomplete. long accepted the shattering of the illusion that love was enough to live. accepted it all as a part of growing up. but,today's evening was different. today she would shed her old life for a new one.as the companion of a man,who everyone told her was the best for her.a man who would give her love,security and comfort. a man she respected and cared enough to spend her life with.

at this juncture in her life,she didnot want to face memories of a distant time. time spent staring out of the same window,listening to the voice of the boy she loved,as he practised singing with his master.time spent submerged in the bliss of his rich voice,flying with him to the places his voice was taking her,aching for him as his master scolded him,giving him company as he spent hours practising,sharing his dreams of becoming a singer,shyly telling her dream of becoming his forever.

in this small town,under silken skies their love was born,from the moment she was born.all through her life she remembered him.she was always connected to him at some subconscious level.she could feel his hurt,his pain,his joy and she could read his thoughts. so could he,with her. she believed it was because he had been with her mother all through her pregnancy. her father had to go on a year long project abroad. he had appointed a maid to be with her mother all the time. the maid brought along her son. he was the son,the one with the beautiful voice.her mother had told her about how he used to sing,exceptionally well for a 5 year old,whenever she felt like relaxing.

thinking back on her mother's words,she believed she had had very little choice but to fall for the voice which used to sing to her even before she saw the world. a voice which reminded her of her mother's womb;a sheltered world.

all through her childhood,she had tagged behind him. he ;with the soothing voice and gentle manner. she had always thought she would always tag behind him,all through her life.
innocent minds and hearts;innocent dreams.

she remembered a time, a lazy afternoon,lolling off to sleep,she felt a sharp pain in her left jaw.
she knew immediately,he was hurt. running out she saw him on the ground,his left cheek bleeding. he had been coming home;he had tripped and fallen.

such had been their relationship.
at the twentieth year of her life,one sunny morning, he left town. he was never seen again. where he had gone,why he had gone,noone knew.

she had waited,hoped and cried,for a word. hoped that his voice had found its fortune and he would come and claim her;his destiny.

3 years had passed,her parents had allowed her ,her mourning time. mourning for a love which would never die.

with time,the rawness of her hurt faded,but the wounds remained.the intensity of her feelings were cloaked,but it stabbed her from time to time. a chapter which never had an appropriate ending.

she was broken from her reverie as thunder boomed from the mountains at a distance. it was the rainy season. she stepped out into the open verandah. across the street,a young boy started humming a folk song.

from the guarded chambers of her heart,a tiny tear made way down her lashes,making way for the flood thereafter. the heavens opened simultaneously. she looked up as tears rolled down her eyes,crying for whatever was lost and whatever was stolen by time and fate. she spread her hand and drenched herself with the sky's tears as her tears fell on the earth.

a soul searching for solace from past memories. the rain lashed away at her.

********

Miles away ,separated by land and sea, in an arid desert,at an excavation site, a man looked towards the heaven. on a bright and sunny day,he felt the sting of thousands of raindrops.

he touched his face and found his cheeks wet with tears.

turning towards the heavens, he started singing- a tune of heartbreak and hurt,a song of love lost to fate and time, a song meant to soothe away at the pain which gathers in a soul due to unanswered questions. a song meant to remind someone of the peace and safety of a mother's womb.

all the definitions of "making love."

2009-02-14T10:17:00.000+05:30

well,in the times when love,pink chaddis and ram sena colour the air, lets take a look at our definitions of "love", well,somewhere i have read you can never define love accurately,but still after all lets try our hand at some romantic mush mush.

i was listening to a Bob Dylan song,"just like a woman",when these lyrics caught my ear,

She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does

And she aches just like a woman

But she breaks just like a little girl.

it is a sweet,aching song....and am discovering my love for Dylan's heartbreaking voice and etching lyrics.

and it got me thinking about "making love." apart from the rosy,M&B definition of it, lets look at it as "cooking" up the recipe of love in you,and as it slowly spreads its subtle but overwhelming flavour around. not just plain erotica but a bit beyond,around and before it. :)

i will start with a couple of instances.....

1. when she sees you walking towards her,the pride,happiness and radiance she feels in her and which uplifts her lips into a broad smile,isnt just a simple smile....it is MAKING love.

2. when she holds your hand when you are hurt or sad, and offers you her gift of sympathy,it isnt pity ,she too aches for you...it is MAKING love.

3. when she does things which donot hold her interest but is a passion for you,she isnot trying to impress you,she just loves you too much and wants to spend time with you...it is MAKING love.

well,thats a few,but not enough.

please send in your definitions in my comment section and i will go on publishing it in this blog under your name. let your imagination and love flow....and "cook up" some recipes for "making love."
use any pronoun u wish to instead of "she"....it can be "he","i",any name.......

awaiting your responses.

:)

karthik:

how bout this for love...

Well she's walking through the clouds

With a circus mind thats running round

Butterflies and zebras

And moonbeams and fairy tales

Thats all she ever thinks about

Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me

With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free

Its alright she says its alright

Take anything you want from me, anything

Anything.Fly on little wing,Yeah yeah, yeah, little wing

"little wing" - jimi hendrix

(though this will not win you any awards for originality...sweet..nonetheless,kk)

adithya:

well .....love jus cant be defined it is more demonstrated than defined............ok ...

eg : wen u accept a persons proporsal jus because you dont want to hurt his feelings u cant say its love its just a COMPROMISE Love is wen one believes in ur tears and others believe in ur smile !!

(well,goodgoing brother!! follow your heart.......)

arshat:

When He starts liking Her more than He likes himself.. Hes making love..

(yeaaa...more than originality,your reply will surely win for heartfelt definitions.)

adira:

You know you are making love to a person, when you are, what you are in front of that person....when you are actually in love, all those philosophies of Main hoon na do happen...his talk will make you feel that you are listening to music..his smile makes you feel that you are in mid of some 10000W lightened stadium.....and follow your heart and you will know whom you love the most!!!!!

(hope you always follow your heart and find what you want, ambilikutty!)

varsha:

Well making love can be as simple as one romantic glance (when you expect the least)that awakens all the unknown desires....when you know that he doesn't expect anything from you and you are more than willing to give yourself only to make him realize that you love him as equally as he does and needs him to hold you for lifetime(no double meanings please)....n last but not the least when you cook for him something that he relishes but you hate to make...i feel these are some of the instances of Making Love not the M&B way but in a common man way!!!

(beautiful....that really made me feel 'ohh sooo mushy mushy..in love' sorts.......)

harshith:

1.when u r busy with something n notice her looking at u n smiling....u giv her that questiong glance saying "What??" she jus says nothing n the smile widens to a grin....shes admiring u...n shes happy to hav u...shes making luv...

2.u hav a bad day at work n u cal her n tel her that....u come home only to find ur fav dishes on the table served steaming hot...n she waiting for u...the look in her eyes is luv..shes makin luv...

i conclude...once shes in luv wid u my friend, she'll be ur greatest admirer n ur greatest critic...she'll be ur strenght n ur weakness, she'll be eeverything u want...she'll fight with u, she'll fight for u...

(you sure know for sure....so beautifully normal and usual..things that really happen with normal people...damn nice.)

vibin:

Person who u love doesnt need to love u..

you are caring her without her knowledge..

you are helping her without her knowledge..

when you hurt yourself for her happiness..

Trust and understanding for her...

you can say u r making love...love making doesn`t need to be such that "we are happy always"...

(lovely vibin......thats real intense....and mature.)

a journey through my journals.

2009-02-13T11:28:00.000+05:30

this is a farewell post to one of my constant companions of the past decade-my journals.
today morning as i was winding up writing the last lines of an experiment in medical microbiology(i like adding these names,u see,i feel as if i am doing something intelligent) i realised that it was actually the last experiment for the academic year. and since i finish my PG this year,it meant that this was the last time i was writing my journal. yipppeeeee!!!! went a nervecell .hold on,said another nerve cell. think back,kid..think back...
i remember my first journal,a scrawny thin book it was.eight standard when science bifurcated into science 1 & 2.it was mostly printed stuff and we just had to fill in the diagrams,observations and results. man, werent we an excited bunch,wow,it was so easy to be excited back then,where did that ability go with passing time?

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now
........Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

no..i am not a poet..that is actually BONO(of the U2 fame)(the song is 'city of blinding lights')
back from these musings, as time passed,we passed out of classes and went into higher classes and the journals just got fatter and thicker and heavier.
the excitement faded,we(journal and the student) settled into the usual rhythms of their alliance. a marriage of sorts.along with the academic years the journals took on many forms (like man becomes boy,friend,husband and father and women become girl,sister,friend,wife and mother and so on.please add whatever u want.)the journals became physics journals(i so hated the ray diagrams)chemistry journals(ughgh..the tables) and biology(the cell diagrams still gives me nightmares!!) if that was not enough as our relationship progressed they took up many more fanciful forms-immunology,genetics,microbiology,biostatistics(bloody conmen-they managed to squeeze statistics into biology.i am still waiting to be attacked by biomaths).
but,yes i have to say,as with everything fanciful if you take the pains to actually know it ,it is actually pretty simple biology dressed in designer labels.
well,this love hate relationship has so many memories!!

memories of late nights spent writing journals with only barking dogs as companions. there is something eerie about howling dogs ar 2am in the morning. and how do you wake up your parents and ask them to sit with you because the dogs are barking(well,i dont know,arent they supposed to sleep?but poor souls whatelse can they do but bark,they cannot talk,right?) at that time,my sole companion was the warmth and strength of the hard bound book on which i was scribbling away to glory.its pages seem to be soothing me with unspoken words of comfort and companionship..."come scared one..immerse in these words you write on us and forget the howling dogs and hounds of hells"(sigh...peaceful..i say)
but yes,not every memory is relaxing,especially the day after this "hounds of hell opera"night you actually understand that what they teach you under the label"muscular system" at school is true.coz you can feel their soreness right from your right hand side of the neck to your fingertips(i write with my right hand,you see)
if dragging your hand with you everywhere is not enough,your teachers's unwillingness to sign on the experiments because your diagrams of chicken embryo look like hen's children is enough to make you want to howl at night too.
and the train travels you and your journals take!! well,i have spent many pleasurable (\m/) afternoons lolling of on my thick journals in the train. but yes,if you take into account all the shouts and screams you get because you are occupying more space in the train because of your journals have to be taken into account. and also the number of bags that go into early labour(read "torn and destroyed") because the journals want to see the world too.(impulsive kids..i say)
i have cribbed a lot about how we never had printed journals when it mattered. how we write 3 200 pages journals and fill in with the history,geography and psychology of SCEINCE experiments when time could have been saved if it was all printed with observations and results filled by us.
when i think back now i think it helped me a lot,my handwriting became bearable and stable. more important,though at times i switch off my brain when i write the words still penetrate and stay there. thus,concepts are learned.
in the twilight of our realtionship,as i view the past 10 years,nostalgia overwhelms me. i know that i will have tears in my eyes as i see my journals sit proudly and smartly dressed in brown cover on my examiner's table. and i know,they will be the reason i will get marks,which to some extent are undeserved.but,which i will accept as the journals unconditional declaration of love.
farewell,my mate and companion. you shall be fondly remembered(tears blur my lashes.)

where in GOD's name has all the fairness in the world gone?

2009-02-12T15:51:00.000+05:30

i love myself. well,am sure everyone loves themselves (sheepishly) and am sure everyone loves me(well,noone has told me till now,that they hate me!). jokes apart..i LOVE myself to the point of being a narcissist. but,as it seems to be a vice in me,thanks to my zodiac,my moodswings at times swings away with my narcissism and leaves me all alone without my self love(sob sob.)
and during these weak moments somethings which never ever generally bothers me become crystal clear to me and i become very sure that some conspiracy is in progress against us,WOMEN.
i base my hypothesis(soon to be accepted theory)on these facts.
1. all through our lives except during blessed childhood we are expected to deal and take care of our mane. well,to top it all,we are supposed to make it look good even if it is wild,frizzled or uncivilized. very few percent women are born with naturally pretty hair.(sighs) and we are supposed to deal with the heartbreak of seeing it fall seasonally and subject it to abuse of 1001 chemicals and pollution.
but,never once are we allowed to tonsure our heads voluntarily(no..i am not an advocate of head tonsure without the individual's permission.)whereas,guys can even get away with that.they can grow hair,they end up looking cool,they can cut it when they feel hot and sport a cleanshaven pate and still look good. why?!!?!?!?!(melodramatic flourishes)
2. PMS. well,do i need to elaborate on this? not only do we subject ourselves to this monthly torture but we also need to grin and bear the third class jokes made on it!! and..the worst is when you are really irritated about something and people attribute it to PMS! why a woman cannot be irritated because her neurons fired? not due to some hormonal short circuit!!
well,men,they really are lucky!!!
3.WAXING and THREADING!! while men can get away with body hair and claim that it looks sexy why cant women? why do we need to pour hot wax on ouselves and thread away at teeny weeny eyebrows!!why cant we also look hairily sexy?so girls,next time a guy makes fun of the shape of your brows,immerse him in hot wax and thread it away!!
4. labour pains. well,it is a great experience or so the experienced ones claim when they look at their children doing something that makes them proud. it is also painful,they claim, when we do something which doesnt make them happy!! :(
if it is so beautiful,touching and life changing i want to be bighearted and present guys too the chance to experience it.
5.let me club together the facts that guys get away with latenights,swearing and showing their finger ,much more easier than girls.
whereas it makes a guy look macho when he does these,it makes a girl look too forward and morale less and less of wife material when she does the same(these are stereotypic responses). should i add booze to the list?

well,these are few of my complaints when i feel low and sad. but to be honest,somehow it all seems ok during normal times.i mean.hair does make us look prettier,so does waxing and threading. as for PMS and labour pains,between men and women,someone has to accept it,seems someone somewhere chose us. as for all others maybe someday we will have our revenge.
as i said i am too busy LOVING myself to notice the so called pitfalls.
:)
(yea,the moood just swung back.)

some things i would never have admitted not knowing....

2009-02-10T09:50:00.000+05:30

"wow," i exclaimed."that looks really pretty!"
cut away from the world honking away on the roads below,a group of 8 students sat listening to their professor enthrall them about the magic of cytogenetics. we sat in this laboratory tucked away in one corner,on the 7th floor of a massive hospital. the curly haired(somehow,she reminded me of einstein) doctor teaching us,looked at me and smiled kindly,"yes,it sure is,kid. for the simple reason it is a normal,healthily propagating cell and not cancer."
well, the slide that took my breath away was a slide on a technique called "chromosome painting."(i know,somehow the vast reaches of the human brush leaves me stunned,heehee.)

i guess,i am writing this blog,just a few months away from my final examination,because i want to be honest,with myself,with my friends,my family and all the people who think that when someone passes their postgraduation examination they know everything about whatever subject they have passed out in.well,ideally they should. but well,frankly,i donot. what i am going to write will make more sense to my friends when they read it.
i want to confess a few things i never have said before.
i want to confess that it took me a few years to completely understand what a genome means and that too after rote learning about the human genome project ,and spewing it in the answer sheets.
here goes,
everyone knows we are made up of cells.
basic science teaches us that the cell has a few stuff inside it,one of it is the nucleus.
the nucleus (as one of my teacher explained) is the secured locker of a bank,containing the valuable information of our heredity.
well,here is a bit more of pre degree biology.
the stuff inside our bank lockers have been deposited by our parents,and that too in exact halves(i am talking about normal conditions,if we can call oursleves normal!). its is a beaded,threadlike stuff called chromatin. when a cell divides,(that should happen if we have to grow.) this threadlike structure become something which we see as stickmen.scientifically they are termed 'chromosomes'. its on this stickmen that is written the story of our lives.our "genes."
i want to say that to figure this out,clearly,it took me some time.i never knew whether genes make up DNA or DNA make up genes.
well,yea..DNA..its like the house and bricks...house -genes,chromosome,chromatin....bricks- DNA.
it stands for Deoxyribo Nucleic Acid and is the biomolecule which decides how we turn out.
now,back to chromosomes. well,we have a definite number of stickmen in us. we human beings have 23 pairs.that is 46 stickmen(lets stick to normal,guys!).i donot want to go into other species.but yes,just that we know,the numbers are different in different species,but constant in the same species.
so,these 46 stickmen come from our parents cells-well,they have names too,mr.sperm and ms(soon to be mrs) egg-at the time of the phenomenon called fertilization(another blog will be dedicated to this).
now,graduating to degree biology where this branch takes the fancy name of genetics. we were taught "humans are diploid". hmm...as simple and precise as i can try...ploidy is the number of sets(homologous...similar,etc)chromosomes in a cell. and haploid is the number of chromosomes in the gametes(remember mr sperm and ms egg-they are called gametes,like men and women can be called people).
so now,diploid is two times haploid,triploid is three times,tetraploid is 4 times and so on.
so if,n=haploid,2n=diploid,5n=pentaploid.......
so,we are..2n=46..ie..diploid
one n=23 comes from mummy,one n=23 comes from daddy.
now comes the culmination of this..when i knew what a "genome" was.....
when both the "n" from mummy and daddy combine,they produce a 2n which is a new colour..a new individual..a new us..
this new individual has 2n..but the "n"s making up the 2n are different from mummy "n" and daddy "n" for the simple fact that they have mixed and produced the 2n.they have merged and made the new combination and not just come and settled down next to each other.
the image below is of a technique called karyotyping..lets just say..we looted a dividing cell and have arranged the loot for visual appreciation. these are the stickmen i was talking about. our chromosomes arranged in pairs. and yea..that X and Y ,you see are the sex chromosomes. this is a male karyotype(normal).females will have 2 X instead of XY.

in each single pair,if we take one chromosome and make a set of 23...we have the GENOME.
some points:
each chromosome have similar genes...so...if we pick one from each pair..we are representing the whole.
though they are from our parents they are not the identical ones..that is if we arrange 23 chromosomes we will not get our parents genome,i hope i have made that point clear.
well...thats what it is..all our cells have 46 chromosomes.
so if we pick up one cell and take 23(which is our "n"...haploid..remember?) representatives,one from each pair..we have our GENOME.

phewww....i hope we understood the "great G".
these were terms which were vague to me..but i hope with passing time..it becomes clearer.
and yea..i remember now i started with chromosome painting,well there is chromosome walking ,jumping and much more.but..i guess..some other day..i will confess and try to decode it.
till then...enjoy our amazing GENOME.
and yes...doubts and corrections are welcome.
:)