MEMORIES

sitting in my office,as i looked out of the windows,the everlasting skies beckoned me to take a walk down the path of bygone times.i decided to take the offer.

As the drifting clouds induced me with peace.....i started sketching my memories on its soft canvas....

what is it about memories?

they always have a tinge of innocence about them,that we feel we have lost,when we look back........

the people,in the memory, take on a magical property...a feel of wistfulness,a sensation that if you reach out to touch,they will become fairy dust.

the place where the incident occurs,is hazy to remember,frayed on the edges,however the "feel"of that place is sharp...

you can remember the feel of the sky,the air buzzing around you,viewing world through "Sepia" mode......

it is a weird combination of senses assaulting you,by rushing towards you,but the moment you expect them to hit you,with full force,the recede back....leaving you hollow.......

memories assault me at times when i am completely unprepared for it...

a song which leaves me with a lump in my throat,

a sight which transports me back to a time when life was spent without the worry of time or life leaving you behind......

something on the television reminding me of someone....

a smell,which i personally believe,induces the strongest sense of nostalgia.....is enough for an etching sadness to settle in me about the irony...of time...which as an entity is forever,but as sections is lived and then lost......only to survive as vague memories in your mind.................

on a happier note,i will totally accept that these are the same memories which induce you with peace,that you have a legacy to pass on,a treasure trove to dip into,which helps you connect to people.

memories form the basis of that extra sense,which is the intuition which makes you like/dislike people the moment you meet them,the unknown logic which makes you react instinctively.........the call from incarnations gone by and incarnations to come....of lessons learnt in past lives.....and lives to come.........that undescribable sixth sense...

i will conclude my abstract article with the saying....

"time moves in one direction......memories in the other"

 

signing out,

ice princess.

notes from Bangalore

New city,new job,new people……


an ideal scenario for nostalgia to breed and overwhelm….

so as my first post from Bangalore,am writing what i miss about Mumbai and this is my tribute to the city of my childhood,memories and yearnings.

apart from my family and friends,these are some abstract things i miss about Mumbai.

1. i sorely miss the local trains of mumbai. though half of the time you have to fight and push to get inside,it is one of the most convenient way of transport i have ever experienced.

the past seven years,travelling in the local trains of Mumbai has been a treasure trove of experience!!

right from,shopping for everything under the sun,to helpful aunties,to tremendous fights and peaceful travel with the familiar scenery going by outside the window…….i have seen it all and enjoyed it!!

2.i miss the monsoon walk in marine drive…with the waves lashing the rocks and spraying you with tiny diamonds of seawater and the rain drizzling…..it is one of those moments which will inspire a cauldron of emotions in you,leaving you overwhelmed!!

3.i miss the bargain shopping i am so accustomed to….spending worthwhile hours going through trinkets and clothes and the goodnatured haggling with shopkeepers. such shopping always leaves me so satisfied!!

4.i miss the rickshaw waalas there who may not be all honest,but atleast fight decently.

5.i miss vadapav,samosapav,bhelpuri,paanipuri,paavbhaji,golas and every possible food you get on the roadside there.

these are some of the things that make up my Mumbai.

i miss the warmth of the city of my childhood,the sense of belonging and my people.

i know after a few years here,i will learn to love this city too.

but the recent blasts in Mumbai left me feeling so sad and helpless,as if i cannot do anything for my city,the city with such a rich culture and history,the city which allows people to dream and sustains it for them,the financial capital of our country,the city which has always given without limits,a city abused and used by the wrong people for wrong things,the city that makes me feel safe,a city which makes me yearn to go home to it.

signing off on that note,

nostalgic and sad…

ice-sad-ness.....

memoirs from a distant land-the finale

well,here i am,writing the final part of my Kerala series,as i will be leaving this lush land of memories pretty soon.

since this is as random as all my posts..i will just mention the things and feelings i associate with my native land.

1. apart from nostalgia and memories,there are some things that will never change here.that is the variety of "prasadam"(offering to deities) that is always present at home,
payasam,panchamrutum,appam,yum yum....
if the offerings by family isn't enough friends and family always drop in with more.

and the best part is just coming guys.....the amount of mangoes and jackfruit that we eat plus all forms and relatives of these fruits ranging from..mango in sugar syrup,salt mangoes,jams,jellies,pickles,sun dried and rain picked.....
walk any lane in my native town,you will invariably be walking under the canopy of mangoes and jackfruits...........

2.my dad's native land is one of the small islands dotting the coastline of Kerala.
when i was a kid,we used to go there by sea,its an awesome sight,the coastline of Kerala during the monsoons,any mallu worth his salt will tell you that.
the smells and sight that i associate with them....are so unique....a blend of times gone by......and the present times.....

nowadays,there are bridges connecting these islands...a drive through them is like flying over the backwaters for which this land is famous for........nature and technology go hand in hand here...as coconut trees are interspersed by cargo ships and Chinese fishing nets.......

3.there are certain temples i always visit here every time i come here....
one of them is a temple dedicated to the Serpent deities.
nestled in between backwaters,this mysterious temple,takes me to another time altogether.
this time it was drizzling as i reached there.....the gentle lapping of the waves against the shore.....the rustling of the coconut trees,the rise and fall of cicadas chirping,the fertile smell of land meeting water,the foggy horizon over sea....and the lush foliage surrounding the temple......the serpent idols and the wind whispering about ancient harmonies existing long eons even before the origin of mankind.......raised goosebumps on my skin.....
.
4.the last one is the wedding in my family.......leaving me with a feeling of so much security and well being of being a part of a legacy which existed before me and will exist long after me.......


i conclude this series by repeating that whatever said and done..this land has ties to my soul.......and will always.......

signing off,
iceprincess.

memoirs from a distant land-part two

there is technically nothing distant as"distance" where my native land is concerned...but somehow when i reach here....the memories associated with this place and the echoes of bygone times makes me feel i am nothing but a short time visitor to another time...this weird feeling is the basis of the tug and pull of warring emotions inside me...wanting to be here...but still craving for the security of my life in Mumbai.

now,that the title of my blog is clear..i will pick up my random comments again..

i have always felt that a city's elves and fairies come out and sprinkle stardust all over their city only at night..when the bustle of the morning and the dust of the afternoon give way to twilight..that elusive time..which induces so much longing and nostalgia in you....tempting you with glimpses of paths untraveled and dreams not followed......these magic guys....twirl around and wrap the city in their magic warp ......

i say this because of two incidents...
let me tell you that my native town..is a town nestled in backwaters..... a town with a rich culture and long royal history....the capital of one the erstwhile royalties of Kerala...a place which still stands in the shadows of its history....
my town was honoured with a "mall" just recently....and we went on a family outing there one evening...i
went with an open mind..but let me tell you..i had my fair share of doubts about a"mall" in my town...
imagine my surprise....when i encountered customer paging systems in their food courts..and automatic taps,all possible brand names.....
that night...while going back home.....winding through the small lanes...with the car radio playing ghazals.....i was aware of that keen emotion..of being in the no man's land of pride over my town's development and a sense of loss of innocence....and the silken night sky above...echoed my sense nostalgia...

the second incident was not of nostalgia...but a feeling of supreme well being......the night before
"Thrissur Pooram"

 for my fellow bloggers who do not know  about this  festival.....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thrissur_Pooram

one night before the "Pooram" we walked "the walk"......taking in the festivities.....the shops...the people..the elephants..the lights...it was as if the town was bedecked like a bride...awaiting the day of her wedding....
walking through the magic of "pooram eve"....i was filled with such a sense of well being ...as if someone was truly watching over me and would never let anything go wrong with my life....
i was sure,,that if i looked for it...i could really see my magic people....twirling and vanishing in the crowd of people......
all said and done.....my journey continues,,in this land.....and i will be back with more.....
till then......
goodbye..

ice-nightmagic-ness.

memoirs from a distant land-part one

i used to think keeping a diary was overrated,but now,not only do i keep an every day type diary but am seriously considering exercising my hand with the help of a pen,somehow i used to consider blogger my personal diary...but away from 24*7 Internet connection i feel your simple pen and paper work better...

so here goes some ramblings ..from my native land......

when i think of a diary nowadays...i see it as a companion......

a companion to the girl...as she sits late at night..before going to bed..hair oiled and tied up...and some gooey stuff on her face..looking scary in order to look pretty in the long term...sitting on her bed..and scribbling away to glory......

a companion to the girl.....on her way to her native land..in the train...as the wind whips her hair onto her face and lashes away at the pages of her diary.....as she looks out dreamily making up some poetic rhetoric....

a companion whom she misses terribly when some beautiful thoughts....or some dreadful thoughts......occur to her...in the course of her day.....a companion who never judges her...but allows her to be...and never ditches her....

a companion to whom even the thoughts which she can never express...or understand completely makes complete sense....

a companion who allows her to laugh at herself....when she reads the things she had written before....
a guardian and witness of the passage of time.....through which her thoughts..evolve,grow..and maybe at times even mutate.....

thus..i start this series.....which i don't know,,,when and how i will complete....maybe the next time i access my dad's office computer...but still will try to be regular...and write what i feel from my native land..my birthplace...at times i try my best to run away from...but which will always have some mysterious ties to my soul..and will always pull me back....and howmuchever i deny its right on me...will always wholeheartedly offer me solace and peace...some old,ancient pull ...in place long before my time....which cannot be described in words......

signing out....

ice-weird-ness.....

the man

note: this is a warning..highly mushy stuff ahead,be ready to slip and lose your heart...

What do you search for in your life partner? the elusive “x” factor making him different from all the other men in your  life….I don’t know about people in general…but I can try to put into words what I feel I search for as I my eyes wander towards the horizon searching for prince charming to appear on his noble horse!

The concept of prince charming…tall, dark, handsome.well...tall is appealing and dark is mysterious….handsome doesn’t matter at all….there is something about life which makes it perfect…the thing is imperfection. When you look at someone and see their imperfection and realize that you love that person just the same or maybe more for it...that's when u realize the extent of your love for yourself, that’s when you are able to forgive yourself, the world and every small and big things wrong in your life and are able to move on, its through these imperfections in yourself and others that you glimpse the perfection of life.so..Physical perfection isn’t too big a deal; character perfection is what it is all about.

He should be rich in the simple treasures of life….integrated in his work. And find satisfaction in it….he should have the ability to see the simple humor  hidden in every aspect of life as it unfolds. A heart full of love…love that can cherish, sustain, heal and soften the blows which at times are a formality of life.

He should be the one invoking the primitive passion in you during long nights and thunderstorms…the tenderness in you as he wanders stumbles and then straightens as he tries to find his path through life….the peace in you as you share a drink during the warm October evenings on the swing on your porch….

He should d music to which your soul is tuned to, as you travel on the road of your destiny…you should be stamped on to each others mind, body and soul in such a way that when during d fall of your lives when you look at each other you see the maps and directions of a life well lived and cherished……

His should be the face which makes you realize that even if life isn’t as you expect it to be; everything is and will be alright in your world because he is with you.

I guess, I always try to find answers and learn my lessons from what is offered to me for free…nature…it offers you her(I can bet on my soul that nature is a “she”) essence for free. It’s just us humans, who always put a worth on our souls and thus take away from it its pricelessness...

And what she has taught me in this matter is this…..

The perseverance of the earth

The vastness and stability of the sky

The adaptability of water

The energy and vibrancy of fire

The spirit of wind.

Well. give me a guy like this…in whose arms as I fall asleep every night treasured and known…. feeling safe…that even if I don’t wake up again there was some one with whom I entrusted my legacy. Someone who knew me and my essence and loved me nonetheless (see…its the human thing of looking for his worth is someone else’s eye),some one through whom I live on and that I sleep in the arms of my destiny and always wake up in heaven. (Either ways..dead or alive)

signing off.

ice-mushi-ness

life on its own terms....

He got down from the bus and started walking towards home.the afternoon sun beat down mercilessly on him.but he was not aware of it,he was too busy munching over his problem.Uday did not know,what to do and how to get on with this particular problem.he had finished his graduation in Commerce,along with a 3 year course in Animations from a reputed institution.he wanted to pursue an advance course in Animations as his masters,but for his dad.he sighed.his dad wanted him to remain in the field of commerce,get a management degree and start a business with him.which was not what Uday wanted.
he was sick of all the arguments,fights and cold wars between him and his dad.home was not the same with so much tension hanging in the air.even mom and sis,both who are usually vibrant and vivacious,seem to be quieter these days.
damn,how were you supposed to get your way in life,without hurting your parents.
how did and why did his dad expect him to live a life,which he could not even think of.the very thought made him miserable,he had his own plans..he wanted life on his own terms...





she looked down at the form in her hand.and looked out of the window at the everlasting silken skies.
the sense of freedom was exhilarating.so near,she only had to reach out.
her hand tightened around the form.she had finished her post graduation in literature and was ready to face a free life.but ,her parents wanted her to marry.the very thought made her nauseous.
Nandita thought about her life,she had not finished her education for jumping straight into the next thing which would put shackles around her feet.her eyes strayed to the guitar in the corner of her room. it was like an extension of her,she was a part of a rock band,"psycho curls".she and few others had formed it during their degree years,she was their lead guitarist.now 5 years later,here was a chance at international exposure.if she filled the form and submitted it,their band would have to go to Dublin for a Rock fest,where if they get noticed,maybe there would be some chance at recordings.she did not envision a famous lifestyle,but she sure wished for a musical one.
how was she supposed to make her parents agree,that she did not want a marriage right now,she wished for a nomadic lifestyle..that wanderlust beckoned her.
she looked at herself in the mirror,huge brown eyes stared back at her.eyes which could change shades according to her mood and the play of light,eyes which made people stop in their tracks. she knew she had beautiful eyes,a gift from her mother.but while playing on stage,she generally made her curls fall over them,so that no one noticed her for her looks,but only for what she played on the guitar,for her potential.
she loved her mom,but she did not wish to be like her,her mom had an amazing voice,but she had kept aside her musical ambitions to marry and start a family..Nandita did not want the same to happen to her.she wanted life on her own terms........




Raj looked at his wife,sleeping beside him,blissfully unaware of his tumult.he tossed and turned in his bed.he had had enough of his boss.after so many years of service in the company,he was devastated not to be promoted,just because the boss wanted someone from his family to take over.he had not tolerated so many years of his boss's interference in his work for this day. the day,he found out about his non existent promotion,he had thought of a way to escape,he wanted out of working under someone.maybe he could start a family business,with Uday.
after Nandita's marriage,maybe he could think about quitting his job.there were problems,with Nandita's reluctance to get married..when had his daughter grown up...he thought wistfully.
and yes,there was Uday's case,how was he supposed to convey to his son that working for someone would only lead to where his dad stood today.doing your own thing was the way....to live life on their own terms............




Vaidehi sipped her cup of tea and watched the dawn break over the horizon.she always got up early before her family did and watched the sun rise sitting in her kitchen table.this was her moment of peace in the whole day.
today,the worry lines showed on her face.
she was worried about Raj and his office condition,sometimes she did not know what to tell him,that to let things be or that he was right in wanting out.she did not know,whether she wanted to burden him with the usual things which had kept him going all these years,family,kids.their studies,now Nandita's marriage.it was not fair,she knew..but she understood how he felt,unlike what he thought.
during the early years of their marriage,her in- laws had taken time to adjust to her.there had been moments when she had wanted to give up,but she had pulled on.eventually,they accepted her as their own,but it took time..she knew how it felt for him,with his boss constantly interfering and favouring his family above him.....


after 25 years of marriage,she knew all about how adamant he was.did he not realise in that case,Uday was more his son that hers,she smiled ruefully.


and her daughter,Nandita,she knew what she wanted.one headstrong lady she was!and though it could really get tough for Vaidehi at times,she could not deny the fact that she was proud of her daughter.her beautiful,talented daughter.
she knew,what Nandita thought about her.that how could she have kept her singing talent aside to take care of her family.Vaidehi knew,Nandita loved her unconditionally,but did not want to end up like her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that life did not end with marriage,people could make careers work,it her case,it was her own preference to stay at home,not something forced on her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that though there were many aspects of her which reminded Vaidehi of herself,there was more to her than that..that she believed that her daughter could make both family and career work....however weird her career choice was..there would be someone who would love her for it and together they could make it work....
she sighed..how come necessary words become so difficult..how come everything gets trapped in pride and ego....how come everything gets so complicated.....everyone seemed to want life on their own terms...without making an effort to understand and accommodate each other..after all what are we..but our relationships...


the world around her woke up slowly...she started making way around the house to start her day's activities..
she spied something on the living room table.making way towards it..she was that it was a gift wrapped box..curious she picked it up to read the name on it..to her surprise she saw her name on it..slowly she unwrapped it to find..a beautiful Saree from Raj,a CD of her favourite songs from Uday and a book from Nandita.

tears filled her eyes as she looked up to find all of them,sleepy eyed waiting for her response...
"thank you",she whispered....


Raj took her in his arms.

"Happy Women's Day",Nandita and Uday shouted...as they all hugged each other......

unable to contain her smiles and tears..she thought..oh yea..it is worth all the complications...it sure is worth it....in whichever terms......




(author's note: a dedication to all the Mothers in this world, a person whom we take for granted,whom we cannot survive without..and who loves us and is loved by us unconditionally..who understands us...even if we think she does not..and who requires her own space...and has her own right to maintain her individuality.....she is the best and the noblest embodiment of a woman's role....... with loads of love and thanks...and yea...to all the ladies,out there..Happy women's day)