how do you tell everything that is in your heart to someone who never needed words?
how do you tell that your heart in hurting badly to someone who always understood you without your uttering anything?
that's is the dilemma i face today as i write my letter to you,dear friend.
you were always a part of me as far as the reaches of my memories go and i also know you were very much there beyond those reaches of my time and thoughts. i know i am a few years too late,to write and inform you why i never visited again after you were sold.or why you never see me on the road were you stand,still and dignified. i guess,i needed time to get used to not having you around,i needed time to forgive the play of fate that took you away from the people who cared for you without measure,i needed time to let myself accept.
do you remember me when i was an infant? i have heard this story so many times from my grandma and dad. how after my mom delivered me,the first place they brought me to was the master bedroom,the room which later became grandma's room. how i was placed in that huge,sturdy wooden bed where for the first time my dad saw me,his daughter,kicking and punching imaginary dragons with her tiny legs and hands. i guess,that is why ,that room still remains one of my favourite places in you.don't you think we connected right at that moment when they brought me to you?do you remember our first meeting?
you were my grandpa's.he built you.he was a quiet,strong and peaceful man. when i see you,i feel he has passed on his qualities to you.
this doesn't mean i don't like any other part of you.how do i make you realise the beauty of the treasure of memories you have gifted me?
you represent some of the best part of childhood to me,a time of innocence,a time of play, a time of laziness spent without guilt or worry of life leaving you behind.
in the part of my heart where i store the special memories,memories that are too precious to be stored elsewhere,i see those times,playing cricket with my family in the courtyard,bathing with the pipe in the terrace and outside the kitchen,peering into the deep well,taking afternoon walks through the small wooded area behind you,with the sunlight filtering through the leaves,touching mimosa leaves and see them wither away,keeping the evening lamp near Tulsi,gathering flowers for the evening pooja,sitting on the porch and watching the rain,the smell of wet soil in the air and the utter peace that settles over me!! how can i ever thank you for all these?
you were my silent companion all through my formative years,mute witness to me as i went through the time spans of childhood to struggling adulthood,you were the witness as a young girl spun dreams,made plans,accepted and discarded principles and lived out her fantasies.
do you remember those lazy afternoons when i used to sit in the library room and pour over hordes and hordes of books?or the time when my cousin and myself were riding the high seas on the swing and fell on our butts? :P
do you remember my excitement to have a bath with the newly installed "phone shower" and the mango raids from the terrace?do you remember the fights we cousins had and my tree climbing cousins?the family functions when all of grand da's and ma's kids and grandkids gathered and had fun,going back with renewed belief in family and values?the dark storeroom where grandma stores the best delicacies? the mudcastles and sewage systems we cousins used to make?the saplings we planted?
you with your silent strength are witness to me growing up.no wonder my heart hurts when i think we will not possess each other as we used to.you were mine right from the time my life began and i was yours without me ever doing anything about it.
i remember all the cosy corners in the house in which i grew up,the house which had a cosiness in spite of being huge,spacious,airy and bright.
sometimes when i allow myself to get swayed by memories of bygone times,i feel like climbing the stairs and sitting down and resting my cheeks on the cool,dark steps. i dont let myself think beyond,the hurt is overwhelming.it is like etched somewhere in me and saddens me too much.
i may never in a long time come down your road,as it hurts me physically to see what i lost,but let me tell you,whenever i feel scared and lost in this big world,i think of you with your sunny rooms and happy times,i think of the memories both human and abstract which i have amassed along with you and because of you ...and i feel at peace.you give me strength,your enduring strength.
as i said before,you were a part of me....and you will always be a part of me.
i hope to meet you someday before i finally close my eyes. and though it seems remote,i hope we get to possess each other as we used to.
yours with all my heart and soul.