silent waters...

starting off after a long time..talking to Sam yesterday..made me do this..i have to write..no matter what..maybe i am pulling down some walls i built recently...and exposing my insecurities...but doesn't matter....i know..i have to write....somewhere deep within me...that urge to pick up the pen has made its way out...so here goes..another dose of random madness.


i do not know what has happened to me.....i feel dull as ditch water..(i personally don't know who penned this phrase...ditch water is anything but dull)....you will not believe how many days i have sat staring at the screen...how many days i have read and re read stuff i have written and thought...at least that lady i was in my past managed to write...what happened to her? i read comments from previous post and try to write..i read previous posts and try to write...and all i manage is the first few lines...beyond which...its an infinity of blankness.....for a writer..it is darkness....:(

i sometimes feel 24 hours a day is less...there are so many things to do...and so little time....am like this rabid person trying to fit in 1001 thing in her 24hour schedule or..i just laze around with a book ...not getting out of bed for more than 6 hours at a go...only getting up for the basic necessities of food,loo,etc.

in the past few months i have hogged on so many murder stories that i don't think anything can ever surprise me regarding the depraved depths of human imagination or human cruelty.....one serial killing after another...i was on a serial murder story reading spree.....

it is weird a times,when you want to escape into your wonderland because real life scares you......
expectations,responsibilities,points of views...sometimes....i feel i would give anything to get away from all of it...and i feel guilty about that feeling..are you not supposed to be grateful for everything?
everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life...except the one who matters the most...you ..yourself....

sometimes,the so called norms of the society have it in them to suffocate you with invisible hands..and all you want to do is fly away from this open cage........be it cowardice...it sure is relief....

there are times,i imagine just walking out of my front door and go wherever the path beneath my feet take me  and never returning till i find out what gives me peace...what stops this turmoil inside me......i just want to do things which give me satisfaction and that too with passion..i do not want to live a compromised life...

The thing i hate the most is the saying.."life is not perfect...life is not fair..learn to adjust.."

f*** anyone who says it.....and only adjust when the feeling comes directly from the depths of your heart..not because you have no other options.....

when i look around at the world...at every person on the road..all i can think is ....are they happy?that they adjusted into what life shoved on to them?or are they happy that they had the strength to shove back...and reach for their dreams?

my mind is like silent waters...calm and functioning with so called normalcy from outside...but running dark and deep,criss crossed with currents...from inside pulling you in all directions.....

maybe i have hit my midlife crisis.......i have no idea what i wrote...just raw and fresh......makes me feel kind of vulnerable..but i guess.....there will be people out there who relate to this...and need this.....to know that they are not alone......

well,feels good to be back......
signing off,
ice-midlife crisis-ness.

dusting off the cobwebs....

Hello everyone (whoever remembers and recognizes me)..coming back here is like coming home to fuzzy memories..which give you a feeling of peace and acceptance...how is everyone here? 
well,i have no excuses for my action other than...i don't know..i lost myself somewhere down the lane...ok..ok..cutting off the dramatics,i will try to blog..once in a while...i so do want to.....but..enough!!i guess of excuses......


i am here to accept an award....it is the "the most stylish blogger award"..honestly i don't deserve it...my blog has no panache to speak of..it should be given "the blog which closely resembles a dead blog"award....talk about past glories....sigh... 


however,since i have this award..i do not plan to slink away again..i have a weird feeling that the person who gave this to me..just wants to kick my royal butt into writing mode..thank you..Navya....
here goes.....

*To accept this award, there are 4 rules:*

1.  Thank the person who gave you the award: 

thank you,Navya...(http://bloggeronloose.blogspot.com/)for practically giving my idea starved mind something to start on.and i do appreciate it..and have to tell you..you express well...i do drop in on my blogfolks blogs once in a while.....just to get back that feeling of bygone days...:(

2. Share seven things about yourself:  

aaahhh..now this will be going for an overkill as i have written many many things about myself...hence i will just post the links of my previous articles..which have enough about me.....if you have the patience..here goes....

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2010/02/this-one-is-for-blunt-guy.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/12/deja-vu.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/12/deja-vu.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-award_23.html

also...one thing i have taken up with zeal....check out this link and please do comment...

https://picasaweb.google.com/varma.anjana/Candles#

3. Pass the award on to bloggers you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic:  

i haven't recently discovered this,i would like to present this award to some blogs..i really enjoy reading and some bloggers ..i relate to ..even if i have never met them......

shanu.....we go back a long way.......

http://fullonbakwaas.blogspot.com/

blunt E......for not giving up on me..and taunting me whenever and wherever possible

http://blunt-edges.blogspot.com/

DPhat......where art thou?

http://dphatsez.blogspot.com/

Bullshee.....where art thou..again?

http://monkinhotwater.blogspot.com/

Sam...go blogging ,gal!!!

http://bhaktasam.blogspot.com/

4. Contact the bloggers you picked and let them know about the award:  

..i just did!!!    

ANTITHESIS (PART II)-letter to a homeland

my dear land,
my home....i hope you do not find this the insane ramblings of a war ridden old soldier from the front......
me,am not of the sentimental sorts..but i guess,the war changes everything it touches.....humans too..especially humans i must say.......
years away from you has left me craving for a sight,a smell,a sound,even any memory associated with you....the smell of the lush,fertile earth,the rolling hills,the peaceful cattle.....my small house....mother at her stove..the fragrances of spices...father ..he always had the fragrance of the earth which was his life blood...sturdy and secure...my precious love..with her mysterious sparkling eyes....i hope this finds them in safe and sound health............
i sometimes think of the young man who left home..that fateful day..years ago..all eager and ideal ...the patriot to patrol his land....and never find him in me anymore.....as i said..the war changes everything.....the idealism...fades..the convictions for the causes we fight for burns to ashes....the faces of friends and enemies merge......every eyes...besides or opposite..are mirror images.....all that remains is the gunfire and memories of carnage...what we suffer..so do they....wars will begin and wars will pass......soldiers will fight...soldiers will die...eventually nothing of us will remain...except a pile of mass memorial on some street in the country we will bleed for..........
every evening as i sit under the silken skies.........i think of my land...i think of my home....i think of my family...my love...the place where the heart will always place its largest share..and feel an etching sadness haunt me....
i am homesick...homesick for my land..where all i want is a small field..where i will grow brinjals,capsicums,yams and all possible hideous vegetables which maybe i will only eat.........but i know..i will be happy as the sun shines on me as i stand on the earth where my heart lies...
i do not know what is that i dread the most....in some ways the war not ending makes me live my life as if it is the last moment.and if the war ends.....the worry that gnaws me is if i will ever fit into civilization again....you see..the war just does not handicap the body...but it also scars the heart and for some..kills the soul..............
for all it does good.........under the gathering twilight....i bid adieu...to a day gone by....away from my homeland.....
the confused soldier on the frontier.

ANTITHESIS (PART I)-letter from an open cage.

dear diary,
feeling:low,blue,depressed,frustrated.
seems like i have been feeling like this forever..and will always end up feeling like this if i do not do anything about it.
why is being a 22 year old girl so frustrating?isn't it the time in your life when the world is laid out before you like an unexplored treasure..when the blood is young and fresh ...and everything seems possible? then why do i already feel old and cynical?
long before..i had made a promise to myself...a vow..to live life to the fullest...never regret a single moment...long ago i had decided that once the basic requirements of fitting into the society was complete..my heart would be allowed to follow the call of the free and wild.........
now,after the required criterion of education...and work...is complete...an essential to keep my parents happy and satisfied....from where did the additional requirements jump in?
why is a girl expected to live her life first sheltered by her parents and then handed over as a commodity..priceless nonetheless for another euphemism of bondage..marriage?
in between all this why is her desire to live life on her own terms smothered under the weight of responsibilities,expectations,rules?
i know..i am rambling..but the very home which has always been my fountainhead of security now seems a source of entrapment...why is that everything that is so familiar seem all of a sudden so suffocating?how come the very thing you love the most is the thing you want to run away from?
the thought that worries me the most nowadays is that i will die living the same life..the life that expects you to place everything else before you but your own happiness..
the sky outside always tempts me hinting of distant lands and unexplored views to experience...is it wrong to want to travel and do things you want at your own pace?
every night as sleep overcomes me...my dreaded thoughts dangle between..guilt...as i want to escape a life which has always been kind to me....and a self hatred at the cowardice in me....for my lack of courage required to break free....knowing fully well..it would hurt and wound a lot of people i love with all my heart...but deep inside..the heart yearns for freedom as wanderlust whispers in the air ..and the soul weeps to think of the wasted years to follow......
i hope you do not consider me a sentimental fool..my diary....goodnight.........
yours.........
a fluttering and floundering 22 year old..............

SENSES

i don't know what propelled this particular chain of thoughts in my head but it surely had to do with a memory.....a word spoken by mom...before it could register its actual self through my brain..it opened..even if just for a split second..an alternate door..an alternate action..which had nothing to do with its actual context..for that split second..a very poignant sense of nostalgia hit me...and then it was lost as what my mom actually wanted to tell me registered..all through that day..i spent in vain...hoping again for that door to open...

what is it...about the brain that amazes me so much..like my other love "ocean" our brains capacities are also fathomless....as the ocean's depth.....and the feeling i sensed...made me realise there is this alternate world of senses which exists..which is much more honest than the more commonly used world of words........

just a random favourite moments list....for each sense.......the list is actually pretty large..but i will write the first thing that comes to my mind....

1.Sense of SIGHT:i love to watch a class of students in an examination hall.

whenever i go for supervision..the pandemonium which greets me is typical...the last minute cramming session...but the moment the bell goes off..the students settle down with their sheets..its peace....i love watching them write..their bent heads......the silence....once in a while interrupted by the rustle of sheets....its as if for a moment...everything is silent in the world........

2.Sense of SOUND: the waves breaking the shore....my dad's native land..is a small island.....sparsely populated...a small township...the house is large and sprawling...on moonlit nights..when the moonlight paints everything silver around you...standing on the cool island sand.....if i close my eyes..and attune my sense of sound...i can hear the surf breaking the shore...there is nothing more hauntingly mystical than that.....`

3.Sense of SMELL: i love the smell of freshly sun dried washed clothes....i love pulling them off the cloth-line and wrapping myself with them and just smelling them...its the mixture of the smell of he soap and the person i associate the clothes with that make it more charming....

4.Sense of taste: aaahhaaa...where do i fit my list: :P but the first thing that hits my mind...

my refreshing cup of morning tea with a tinge of ginger in it...there surely is God..for there surely is food.....:)

5.Sense of touch: the feel of a baby's soft skin...and the way they fit so perfectly into your arms..warm,cuddly and so so tender.......(i managed this sense..without causing a scandal..:P)

this one is the combination of all...as am from the land of coconut trees and red flags....

i cannot miss on the combo pack this land offers to my senses....this one is a culmination of all the senses....

one would be when my train enters my native land....the breeze which TOUCHES my skin...which carries the SMELL of the rich fertile soil...the SIGHT of green fields and the SOUND of the cows lazily mooing...actually gives me the first TASTE of kerala.......

second would be..the rainy evenings at my native house...standing in the dark tiled..wood panelled veranda...watching the rain drenched foliage taking a darker shade of green....smelling the wet earth....feeling the cool breeze and tasting the rain drops...

call me prejudiced..but there sure is something so mysterious and haunting ..about such evenings..i don't know whether it is the play of elements...the light..of twilight...the rain water and the wind...and the damp earth...or my hyper imaginative brain....that sends goosebumps down my skin....whispering to me about the elusive but ever present,rare but cannot be ignored presence of the 6th sense..a sense of intuition...which is the call of your soul..which will always recognise and make memories....which will whisper across ages to you in the form of these goosebumps........long forgotten memories...about previous and future lifetimes.......

this one is for the blunt guy......

i have realised that for me writing comes under extreme conditions...thinking hard for some idea for a post isn't my forte...its that natural urge ..when and only when the heavens decide and bless me with an idea..am i able to write....otherwise i am a useless dimwit who cannot get herself inspired enough to write..

as the post before...this one is specifically for bluntE..i hope he is proud of me...

am still sticking to random.....and am just writing a random list oft things..which doesn't have anything in common..no skeletal framework....

1. i have realised that stress has a physical manifestation and it is one of the few parasitic abstracts which creeps up to you and makes its home in your muscles and joints and bones and resides in between them and marks them stiff...(groan...my back.......)

2.i have realised that the "responsible one"crown is an uneasy one to wear..people take undue advantage of you and you like the noble martyr suffer..and the sloths and slobs of the underworld flourish at your expense......

3.it would be nice to own a beachfront cottage and cook out on the beach in the evenings

4.that at times,all of us are living in an open cage.......

5.whatever happens in life,if wanderlust is diluted in your life force....you will have to face it some day or the other.....

6.that at times,however you try to make a meaning out of your life..it will always seem meaningless.

7.and at times,life will simply bowl you over with its simplicity and beauty.......

8.that at times,when you look at the stars you wonder whether somewhere under those starry skies does a place exist where you will find your true essence..and can be just you.....

9 and that..you will always have people tell you in no uncertain terms that you are stupid because..that place exists right here..where you are.......the present moment is and can always be what you make of it....you don't need to be elsewhere ...

10.that..i know..i come across as a very disturbed person..but...dont worry..am just musing out aloud..the thoughts that circle around as i try to dish out some philosophy.....

i know..this is very vague....but as i said,i had to write this for bluntE...coz..he threatened me....

signing out...

ice-scared-ness.(due to BE threats..:P)

deja vu.

groaannn..moaaan....ughgh...grrrr...comfortably numb.....everyday for the past "god alone knows how many days"...i have been just staring at the URL of "blogger.com"and not signing in..reason..i do not know..inspiration hits me in flashes and like a flash flood overwhelms me and is gone...i feel guilty..i miss my blogmates..but..i do not know..what to do...

and finally....my saviour is here...Mr.BE has rescued me and now can finally say he rescued one damsel(damn-cell?..i know..bad joke),more a wasted creature in distress..by giving me an

award...without a name...suits me..coz right now..even i am without an aim....

no wonder he is one of my favourite ppl in blogville..

shanu?shanu?kidhar hain tu?help me out..my humour princess.....

ok...i move on to the "anamika"award and state its rules....

1) List 7 things about yourself that nobody knows.

2) Pass on this award to 7other people.

3) Comment on their blog and let them know that they are tagged.

i donot know whether i will follow all the rules,coz i am not in the mood..but will try to dish out some more truths about myself..damn!!if i manage to finish this..this blog will have 27 truths about me...this is a pain!!!

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-first-award_23.html

http://iceprincess-gypsyheart.blogspot.com/2009/05/of-another-awardand-10-more-truths.html

1)i love the local trains in Mumbai.it is like a second home to me.i love cribbing about it,fighting and screaming while travelling in it,feel like a survivor every time i successfully finish a journey and finally fall all over in love with it again and again.

i love the afternoon times the most,with the sunlight filtering in through the doors,the passengers mildly in slumber land with the train's gentle rocking lullaby and a feeling of utter peace prevails over me as the train moves along the tracks.

2)i do not know whether i have mentioned this before,but i love the oceans,i wanted to be an oceanographer,even if it is just to sit and stare at the mysterious oceans.there is something so alluring about its hidden depths,promising of unseen secrets...maybe i should have been a pirate...:P

3)though i am a very "family and friends" type of person,there are times when daily,normal,social life suffocates me.moments when i crave for freedom,for anonymity,for a life where not a single soul knows me.that is why i loved the movie"into the wild"..i can see it 1001 times and never tire of.

4)i have a fetish for earrings and bangles.glass,metal,ornate carvings,stone,anything would do.but i do not care much for gold.yes,i know,being a malayalee,i can hear the astonished and offended gasps of fellow malayalees.but,that's the truth,i do not care for gold jewellery.

here are some pictures taken during my cousin's wedding last Sunday.those are my bangle(over)clad arms.

5)i believe there are only two ways of going about in life.two ways to live it.live responsibly or pursue it with passion.same can be said about doing anything.you do it because it is your responsibility or you do it because it is your passion.blessed are the ones who find passion.as for people doing things because it is their responsibility and not because they want to,do not be surprised to find your eyes wandering to the distant horizons always searching for that something alluding you,that something which makes you feel complete.

writing is something i pursue with passion,it is always like giving a part of my soul.and that is the reason i never ventured to write anything for so long because they would have been sub standard.now,i actually do not care,i am writing for survival and maintenance of sanity

6)i always wanted to be a part of a rock band,the brooding,weirdo guitarist or the unsociable singer.i do not know about anything else,but i managed weird,especially where my super wild,uncivilized hair is concerned.

yes,music is another thing that touches my soul.

in a world where we try to hide behind masks,construct fortresses around our true self and are scared to show our true self for fear of vulnerability,it is nice to have things that speak to our souls.music,writing and reading top my soul communicator list.

7)i truly believe,food,sleep and a nice bathroom to shit is all you will ever require for a peaceful life.

when you eat,you will find happiness,when you sleep,you will find peace.....

and when you shit..you will achieve Nirvana.

tell me.what more does anyone want than that!!! :P

phew,i know,i have been rambling,pardon me coz..i haven't written anything for a long time......

i give this award to all those poor writers like me who have hit a block for whatever reasons.

my eternal gratitude to BE....once again...

i sign out...as

ice-finally at peace-ness.

:)