ANTITHESIS (PART II)-letter to a homeland

my dear land,
my home....i hope you do not find this the insane ramblings of a war ridden old soldier from the front......
me,am not of the sentimental sorts..but i guess,the war changes everything it touches.....humans too..especially humans i must say.......
years away from you has left me craving for a sight,a smell,a sound,even any memory associated with you....the smell of the lush,fertile earth,the rolling hills,the peaceful cattle.....my small house....mother at her stove..the fragrances of spices...father ..he always had the fragrance of the earth which was his life blood...sturdy and secure...my precious love..with her mysterious sparkling eyes....i hope this finds them in safe and sound health............
i sometimes think of the young man who left home..that fateful day..years ago..all eager and ideal ...the patriot to patrol his land....and never find him in me anymore.....as i said..the war changes everything.....the idealism...fades..the convictions for the causes we fight for burns to ashes....the faces of friends and enemies merge......every eyes...besides or opposite..are mirror images.....all that remains is the gunfire and memories of carnage...what we suffer..so do they....wars will begin and wars will pass......soldiers will fight...soldiers will die...eventually nothing of us will remain...except a pile of mass memorial on some street in the country we will bleed for..........
every evening as i sit under the silken skies.........i think of my land...i think of my home....i think of my family...my love...the place where the heart will always place its largest share..and feel an etching sadness haunt me....
i am homesick...homesick for my land..where all i want is a small field..where i will grow brinjals,capsicums,yams and all possible hideous vegetables which maybe i will only eat.........but i know..i will be happy as the sun shines on me as i stand on the earth where my heart lies...
i do not know what is that i dread the most....in some ways the war not ending makes me live my life as if it is the last moment.and if the war ends.....the worry that gnaws me is if i will ever fit into civilization again....you see..the war just does not handicap the body...but it also scars the heart and for some..kills the soul..............
for all it does good.........under the gathering twilight....i bid adieu...to a day gone by....away from my homeland.....
the confused soldier on the frontier.

ANTITHESIS (PART I)-letter from an open cage.

dear diary,
feeling:low,blue,depressed,frustrated.
seems like i have been feeling like this forever..and will always end up feeling like this if i do not do anything about it.
why is being a 22 year old girl so frustrating?isn't it the time in your life when the world is laid out before you like an unexplored treasure..when the blood is young and fresh ...and everything seems possible? then why do i already feel old and cynical?
long before..i had made a promise to myself...a vow..to live life to the fullest...never regret a single moment...long ago i had decided that once the basic requirements of fitting into the society was complete..my heart would be allowed to follow the call of the free and wild.........
now,after the required criterion of education...and work...is complete...an essential to keep my parents happy and satisfied....from where did the additional requirements jump in?
why is a girl expected to live her life first sheltered by her parents and then handed over as a commodity..priceless nonetheless for another euphemism of bondage..marriage?
in between all this why is her desire to live life on her own terms smothered under the weight of responsibilities,expectations,rules?
i know..i am rambling..but the very home which has always been my fountainhead of security now seems a source of entrapment...why is that everything that is so familiar seem all of a sudden so suffocating?how come the very thing you love the most is the thing you want to run away from?
the thought that worries me the most nowadays is that i will die living the same life..the life that expects you to place everything else before you but your own happiness..
the sky outside always tempts me hinting of distant lands and unexplored views to experience...is it wrong to want to travel and do things you want at your own pace?
every night as sleep overcomes me...my dreaded thoughts dangle between..guilt...as i want to escape a life which has always been kind to me....and a self hatred at the cowardice in me....for my lack of courage required to break free....knowing fully well..it would hurt and wound a lot of people i love with all my heart...but deep inside..the heart yearns for freedom as wanderlust whispers in the air ..and the soul weeps to think of the wasted years to follow......
i hope you do not consider me a sentimental fool..my diary....goodnight.........
yours.........
a fluttering and floundering 22 year old..............

SENSES

i don't know what propelled this particular chain of thoughts in my head but it surely had to do with a memory.....a word spoken by mom...before it could register its actual self through my brain..it opened..even if just for a split second..an alternate door..an alternate action..which had nothing to do with its actual context..for that split second..a very poignant sense of nostalgia hit me...and then it was lost as what my mom actually wanted to tell me registered..all through that day..i spent in vain...hoping again for that door to open...

what is it...about the brain that amazes me so much..like my other love "ocean" our brains capacities are also fathomless....as the ocean's depth.....and the feeling i sensed...made me realise there is this alternate world of senses which exists..which is much more honest than the more commonly used world of words........

just a random favourite moments list....for each sense.......the list is actually pretty large..but i will write the first thing that comes to my mind....

1.Sense of SIGHT:i love to watch a class of students in an examination hall.

whenever i go for supervision..the pandemonium which greets me is typical...the last minute cramming session...but the moment the bell goes off..the students settle down with their sheets..its peace....i love watching them write..their bent heads......the silence....once in a while interrupted by the rustle of sheets....its as if for a moment...everything is silent in the world........

2.Sense of SOUND: the waves breaking the shore....my dad's native land..is a small island.....sparsely populated...a small township...the house is large and sprawling...on moonlit nights..when the moonlight paints everything silver around you...standing on the cool island sand.....if i close my eyes..and attune my sense of sound...i can hear the surf breaking the shore...there is nothing more hauntingly mystical than that.....`

3.Sense of SMELL: i love the smell of freshly sun dried washed clothes....i love pulling them off the cloth-line and wrapping myself with them and just smelling them...its the mixture of the smell of he soap and the person i associate the clothes with that make it more charming....

4.Sense of taste: aaahhaaa...where do i fit my list: :P but the first thing that hits my mind...

my refreshing cup of morning tea with a tinge of ginger in it...there surely is God..for there surely is food.....:)

5.Sense of touch: the feel of a baby's soft skin...and the way they fit so perfectly into your arms..warm,cuddly and so so tender.......(i managed this sense..without causing a scandal..:P)

this one is the combination of all...as am from the land of coconut trees and red flags....

i cannot miss on the combo pack this land offers to my senses....this one is a culmination of all the senses....

one would be when my train enters my native land....the breeze which TOUCHES my skin...which carries the SMELL of the rich fertile soil...the SIGHT of green fields and the SOUND of the cows lazily mooing...actually gives me the first TASTE of kerala.......

second would be..the rainy evenings at my native house...standing in the dark tiled..wood panelled veranda...watching the rain drenched foliage taking a darker shade of green....smelling the wet earth....feeling the cool breeze and tasting the rain drops...

call me prejudiced..but there sure is something so mysterious and haunting ..about such evenings..i don't know whether it is the play of elements...the light..of twilight...the rain water and the wind...and the damp earth...or my hyper imaginative brain....that sends goosebumps down my skin....whispering to me about the elusive but ever present,rare but cannot be ignored presence of the 6th sense..a sense of intuition...which is the call of your soul..which will always recognise and make memories....which will whisper across ages to you in the form of these goosebumps........long forgotten memories...about previous and future lifetimes.......

this one is for the blunt guy......

i have realised that for me writing comes under extreme conditions...thinking hard for some idea for a post isn't my forte...its that natural urge ..when and only when the heavens decide and bless me with an idea..am i able to write....otherwise i am a useless dimwit who cannot get herself inspired enough to write..

as the post before...this one is specifically for bluntE..i hope he is proud of me...

am still sticking to random.....and am just writing a random list oft things..which doesn't have anything in common..no skeletal framework....

1. i have realised that stress has a physical manifestation and it is one of the few parasitic abstracts which creeps up to you and makes its home in your muscles and joints and bones and resides in between them and marks them stiff...(groan...my back.......)

2.i have realised that the "responsible one"crown is an uneasy one to wear..people take undue advantage of you and you like the noble martyr suffer..and the sloths and slobs of the underworld flourish at your expense......

3.it would be nice to own a beachfront cottage and cook out on the beach in the evenings

4.that at times,all of us are living in an open cage.......

5.whatever happens in life,if wanderlust is diluted in your life force....you will have to face it some day or the other.....

6.that at times,however you try to make a meaning out of your life..it will always seem meaningless.

7.and at times,life will simply bowl you over with its simplicity and beauty.......

8.that at times,when you look at the stars you wonder whether somewhere under those starry skies does a place exist where you will find your true essence..and can be just you.....

9 and that..you will always have people tell you in no uncertain terms that you are stupid because..that place exists right here..where you are.......the present moment is and can always be what you make of it....you don't need to be elsewhere ...

10.that..i know..i come across as a very disturbed person..but...dont worry..am just musing out aloud..the thoughts that circle around as i try to dish out some philosophy.....

i know..this is very vague....but as i said,i had to write this for bluntE...coz..he threatened me....

signing out...

ice-scared-ness.(due to BE threats..:P)