Thursday, December 17, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
they say there are moments in life....when something becomes utterly clear...when the cloud cover clears..when all the scattered dots in your past make sense....
no one told us life would be fair.....that it would be easy...but they sure told us..it would be worth it ..every single bit of it..if we carry along our heart with us....
what is it about the heart..that makes it wiser than the brain? for a person who is completely in love with her brain..i find it hard at times to accept that a pumping organ is more powerful than a thinking one...
but if i think about it..the pumping action...quite literally that is...the ability to pump in the life sustaining oxygen and clearing out the life threatening carbon dioxide..out of the life force,blood..can be co related to the ability to accept unconditionally whatever (the impure blood),ability to purify and give things a sense of purpose(oxygenate blood and make it useful) and sustain life till it utmost capacity(the continuous work)..pardon the ardent biology lover in me...but the heart...always knows the answers..the brain takes time to come in terms with....
what is it about passion...the force of which,when it flows in the blood..creates such a potent combination...that every other thing wrong in life..doesn't seem to matter.....?
what is it about my zodiac..which takes me through such highs and lows..that i don't know where i stand.....?
why is it ..that at times..making our own decisions is all that matters...and why is it..when faced with a dead end..the ability to leave and lose everything....leaves you with a sense of calmness....?
there are moments..which make me forget years....
what is it about life?when you think you found one answer..and made one decision..it confounds you with another....
what is it about me?why the hell am i like this?
is the fear of hurting some one's feelings care for them or cowardice?
is the want to break away from what you care the most for desperation or wanderlust?
is the belief that everything that happens in life happens for the best,stupid optimism or the fact that you actually cant do anything about it?
can someone tell me where i can do a very good course in Geography from?
what is it about human beings that i am in a love-hate relationship with them?
what is it about me that i am just asking questions to a very tolerant blog?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
symptoms:victim seems happy,peaceful,disoriented,mild hallucinations are common,generally perceived by "normal"people as borderline schizophrenic behaviour.
cause: medical professionals are trying to find the drug causing these effects.
victims have a calm belief and utter confidence that their body,especially the wondrous organ called the brain whose capacities are still uncharted waters is capable of anything and everything,right from depths of despair to heights of ecstasy.
a first hand narrative by a victim who likes to call her affliction,fondly, the "high on life"syndrome:
...............there are times when i look out of the window and see the scenery,the same sight which has greeted me for almost all my life,when i don't really see it...in the great rush to lead a life,reach someplace ,do something useful,the faculty of sight just perceives it without registering anything.........and then there are times,when just going through moments in time,there comes one such moment when everything is different,my senses are more aware and alert..and i truly believe in magic....a world where not just the trees and the sky and the roads and the vehicles exist.....a world of musical elements,fairies,elves and stardust exists..where i believe in fairy tales and fantasies.......
during these times,the so called sane part of my mind interrupts me by practically arguing that it is the thousands of books and movies that i read and watch....or just the human want for something mysterious and magical about their sane lives that makes me believe this.....but..it is not....even if it is for those few moments...i completely believe in magic....and mystery.....
and after that moment passes i just carry it along with me..but i don't completely believe in it....
i know..i have been rambling for quite some time now.....they say it is an affliction that i caused by some drug...i sometimes don't understand why humans never believe in what their hearts say is true......
all this is basically i want to write something ..many things....i have been away for a long time from my writing world....but today i sit and write only and only because...my instincts asked me to...when i started writing i just knew i wanted to share a lot of my feelings and experiences with people i may never see..but only connect with..because of our common need or want to write and express...people who know almost nothing about me...but only the persona my writing creates of me..but people i value ...for the simple reason their writings speak to me....and i can speak or connect back to it......
the vacation i took...if i can ..i would have written a travelogue about it...but if i do,i am sure...i will be chosen to be skewered for all the humour i try to see in almost everything i see..
if the roads of Delhi and the neatness of our capital impressed me..the difficulty of getting things conveniently.....blew that effect ........
if the beautiful.architecture of most of the tombs i visited took my breath away....people's morbid fascination with death made me go into a confused maze of thoughts about the human psyche.........
not to mention the epitome of foresight our Mughal rulers had.....it is because of them that i believe we still read the line in every Geography and Economic textbooks....
"India is an agricultural economy......"
with all due respect..and with no wish to offend anyone....i believe it is because of their concern for their future generation..that they got their entire family and lineages buried...and subsequently provided the northern part of our country with fertile soil.....
i know..many of them are going to give me visit for my audacity.....
and i don't know..whether it was the small town,open fields and peaceful ambiance of Kurukshetra..or just the spiritual magic of the air there.....i found an equilibrium which had ceased to exist in me...
sometimes..i wish for that blind belief in things which we have when we are children,an unwavering faith in life.....with time..we lose it..cynicism sets in ..or at least a mask of cynicism..behind which we hide that dying flame of faith....sometimes..i truly wish..i believed in magic every time...............
as i hit the road...though the heady feeling of wanderlust overwhelmed me most of the time...i also understood what it means to truly feel alone..in this world......
(authors note:i know this is a weird way of writing something..but i just couldn't stop myself..i just knew..i wanted to write...and for once..i don't want to redraft it...its just raw,plain thoughts.....just jotted down..as they chase themselves around in my head...)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
i know..my random tactics and antics and my disappearing behaviour has left you bewildered as random mutagenesis...
even if not...just nod thy heads...for keeping my randomly messed up brain..
am writing from the land of the origin of Bhagwad Geetha ...yup..am in Kurukshetra,Haryana...on a vacation....
i will be back...with some news on the graveyards of Delhi and the amazing fields of Haryana..
and for all that i missed..in your kingdoms...i shall make up....
thank you ....
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
“hey, there,” Ajit said,” this is a surprise.”
Without preamble she ventured,” Ajit, I know you have not been honest with me. I know about Usha.”
Ajit was caught off guard for a moment, but he recovered and said,” I don’t know why, but somehow I knew you were aware.”
She sat there silently.
“I know it does not look good, but to be honest, Sandhya,I knew what I was doing and though it may sound brutal I take blame for it but do not regret it.” he said.
“And can I ask you why you felt the need to do what you did, what had gone wrong with us?” she asked in a calm voice.
“I know I hurt you, but, damn you, Sandhya, you and your principles. Do you never feel that at times your expectation and sense of perfection is hard for others to live up to? You never needed me. or for that matter anyone. Whenever the stakes were down, you had your principles to hold you. You never ever needed me. You always turned to your principles to rule your life. You are so damned self reliant and perfect, that I don’t know what you need me for in your life. I am so sorry.” His voice broke.
She looked at her husband; she was surprised to find only pity as she looked at him. She extended her arms across the table and took his hand in hers.
“Is that what you wanted? That I make myself dependent on you? That I make you feel ‘needed’?” she asked.
“Isnt that what a relationship is all about? Give and take. To be there for each other? What did you need me for? It was as if you never felt anything. No emotions at all.” He said.
“Pardon me for thinking this, but I had hoped that we would some day reach a point in our relationship, where I need not say everything in words. That you could feel what it was that I needed without me saying it. And I am sorry you felt I had no emotions. And Ajit, if this is what you felt, did it never occur to you that your worth in my eyes is so much that I needed no apparent reason to love you. I just love you without ‘needing’ any ‘reason. Isn’t that how love is supposed to work?
If we had had this conversation earlier we would have done something to salvage our marriage. I guess that is it, I am moving out of your house and life, Ajit.the divorce papers will reach you soon. Am glad we had this conversation, it just assured me that the decision of moving out is the right thing.” She finished what she had to say and made her way to the door.
There, she turned back to look at her life of 8 years. He was sitting slumped in his chair.
“And Ajit, I am pregnant. If all goes well you can have your visitation rights. Goodbye.”
Too shocked to react, Ajit watched the door close on him for the second time in the same week.
She went into labor two weeks earlier. After a 2 hour labor she brought a wailing baby boy into the world. He had an unruly mop of curls and weighed 5 pounds. And when she saw him after she awoke from anesthesia induced sleep she felt as if she was seeing heaven. Her baby boy. Her world. She named him Rishabh. Ajit had come to see his son. He cradled his baby against his chest and asked her about her health. They were at cordial terms with each other. Their parents, though disturbed about their separation were trying to adjust to it.
Her mother was staying with her to help her during the initial months of baby care. She was working from home.
Life was slowly coming back to track for her.
The doctor informed her apologetically that there was nothing more he could do. Her lifespan was minimal, she knew. And she went about slowly closing deals and chapters in her life. She knew she had one final chapter to close and that it was time to enter it.
Her mother had gone out for groceries. Little Rishi was in his cradle sleeping. Grabbing her moment of peace, Sandhya took the books and made way to the Apple tree.
She heard the front gate opening. She called out that she was in the back.
Like a scene from a different lifetime she saw Usha walking towards her.
For a few minutes they just stood there staring at each other.
Usha looked a bit strained to Sandhya, especially around the eyes. Her pallor was also a bit too pale.
As for Sandhya, Usha could not remember any other time when she had looked better. Glowing, she had an aura around her.
“I was expecting you, Usha. You have perfect timing. Anytime earlier I would have thrown my crockery on you and anytime later it would have ceased to matter to me.” Sandhya volunteered.
“I heard from Ajit. I came because I thought you deserve my apologies. I am sorry. If it matters to you, I would like to say that I never knew he was yours.” Usha said in a calm voice, but her whole demeanor betrayed that she was straining to keep control.
Sandhya smiled,” I guess, he was never mine. And though yes, it is gratifying to accept your apologies, if am honest I may just admit, that I do not blame you anymore. If my marriage was flawed, it was not your fault. If what I gave him was not enough, it was not your fault. If his expectations from me were twisted, it still was not your fault.
Love is basic. It should come as easily as respiring. If it is forced into the boundaries of twisted expectations and high principles. It chokes itself to death.
So, I see no reason for you to apologize, in this case, Usha.”
Tears filled Usha’s eyes,
“How do you do that? How can you be so perfect, as always? I am so so sorry, Sandhya.”
Sandhya took Usha in her arms.
“It’s alright, dear, calm down. You are apologizing for the wrong thing. You can apologize for giving up on our friendship. I want you to know, when I told the truth back then, it nearly hurt me to death. I don’t know what made me do that, whether it was the fact that you did not listen to me or my childish expectation that someone I knew to be perfect could also be flawed.”
Dusk was gathering. Beneath the apple tree two women reached out to each other to be healed and to be forgiven.
As Usha turned to leave,
“I do not know what to offer you, but when the time comes for it, will you accept it?”
“I will, if you promise me one thing.” Sandhya replied.
“What is that?” Usha asked.
“You are too full of life to let it bleed away, Usha. Promise me you will forgive yourself and move on in life.”
Usha sadly smiled,
“I promise. Thank you.”
“Keep in touch.”
There never was any time for ‘keeping in touch’. 2 weeks later, Usha passed away. Too shocked at the turn of events, Sandhya had attended the funeral and silently thanked God that they at least were given the chance to heal their wounds.
A month after the funeral, Sandhya got a letter from Usha’s lawyer which stated that all her wealth and fortune were written in Rishi’s name and that Sandhya was the trustee till he reached of age to handle it on his own.
Sandhya looked out of the window; the apple tree was slowly flowering again, preparing again for another season of its life.
Sandhya looked at her son, cooing away happily in his cradle.
She smiled wistfully.
life still has to..and will move on.
(author's note:as i was writing this,i realised that i didnot want to judge or label characters as right or wrong.i wanted my readers to do that.so,if it seems a bit neutral,this is the reason.
i have also got feedback that the guy's point of view wasnt taken into consideration.
that was because,i tried and found it lacking authenticity.
i would love to hear your feedback.
thanks for your patience.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Before their little minds conjured up a name for their relationship, they were inseparable friends. The lively girl and the calm one. A team. Going to school together, doing their homework together, family friends, neighbours, playing together, raiding orchards, climbing trees. All the energetic activities presided over by Usha and the mind activities supervised by Sandhya. They had fitted into each others existence easily. Though she wholeheartedly loved Usha, there were times she had wished to be a bit more like her.
Their childhood had been so blissful, until that final incident that somehow brought on such changes that could not have been foreseen.
Their final year in school. Annual examinations. Sandhya had spent half her time seeing to that, that Usha prepared too. But on that fateful day, Usha just dropped a bomb on her saying that since she was not adequately prepared she was going to copy from sheets she had stuffed in her socks.
Sandhya would have none of it. After a massive argument, they had tentatively agreed that each could do what they pleased.
Usha had brought the notes Sandhya had prepared for her.
And as time would have wanted then, Usha had been caught in the act.
Trying to save herself, she had pushed the notes onto Sandhya’s desk where they would have remained hidden amongst familiar handwriting.
However, when questioned about the ownership of them, Sandhya told the truth, by declining to accept them as her exam sheets.
The moment the truth was uttered; Sandhya knew that these words were going to scar something very precious to her. But what had to be done had to be done. She had warned Usha about the consequences. Had pleaded with her that obtaining fewer marks was preferable to dishonest work.
And after the fracas, as Usha had been led away to the headmaster’s office, she had turned back and gave Sandhya a look, a look which she could not decipher but which at some levels scared her.
Unknowing to both of them that would have being the final time they saw each other for a long time.
Usha parents were ending their marriage and moving out of town. The headmaster decided to go light on the shameful incident as the student was moving away and changing school.
Usha had thwarted Sandhya’s every attempt to meet and talk to her.
In a whirlwind of activity, Usha moved away, ending a period of blissful childhood, marred by an incomplete end.
Sandhya believed in the principles of truth and honesty. She had tried to base everything in her life on her principles. And when she told the truth that fateful day, she did not know why, what makes the character strong was so painful to the heart, why her principles had taken away the only person she had loved apart from her family.
Even now as she tried to fit her life in some principle or other, as she went about life collecting moments based on values, there were those odd moments, when she questioned herself, about her character which had not minded breaking a human heart to uphold an abstract principle.
She had bartered a living thing for a nonliving abstract.
What sort of person did that make her?
As the weeks passed, Sandhya had no idea what she wanted. She did not know whether she wanted to sort out her relationship with her husband or whether she wanted to forgive him at all. She did not know why she had still not told him about her pregnancy. Somehow, she did not want to discolor the only perfect thing in her life with the dirt of his lies.
There were times when she wanted to break half the crockery in the house on Ajit, considering how he went about his life as if nothing was wrong. She did not know what bothered her more; the fact that Ajit did not notice anything wrong with her or the fact that she did not want to confront him.
And sometimes she hated Usha; with all the fiber of her being. The envy of her childhood bloomed to full-blown hate; eventually, the man she loved had given himself to what she was not and would never be.
That had been the ultimate betrayal to her.
All her thoughts hounding and trailing her; Sandhya had taken to walking to thwart them off.
And on one such walks she had come across the house with the apple tree.
It was one of those little cottages pushed away from the main road. The ‘on sale’ sign invited her to go in to look around. She had liked the house and as she made her way to the back she came across a beautiful tree; a flowering apple tree.
Somewhere, in some book about folklore of the British Isles she had been reviewing, she had come across the fact that an apple tree was associated with choice. An incident of how land was distributed according to markings on apple fruits came back to her mind. All the plots were similar; regardless a choice had to be made.
The sun shone through the branches of the tree. It was as if some thing was being pointed out to her. Today even she was faced with making some choices, decisions which were difficult, but had to be made nonetheless. Pushing them away was doing nothing but hurting her health, which was now not her’s alone. Someone else depended on her for its well being.
She gently touched the bark of the tree; a delicate bloom danced with the wind and gently fell on her face.
She smiled whimsically as she recollected that apple trees were also associated with healing powers and love.
Usha was always haunted by those eyes; those seemingly normal eyes; but if they looked at you in the eye, you will see in them a tinge of sadness; a sadness which lodges in a person’s soul after he has seen what life can do to you.Sandhya’s eyes were such eyes; eyes which had a wise sadness in them. Usha remembered seeing the shy, quiet girl all her life until she remembered noticing her. Her perfect friend. The friend who had always been there; all through the only happy time in her life; her childhood. Though she had never understood how a person could prefer the company of books to human, she had never minded it. There had always been something so utterly perfect and peaceful about Sandhya, that with her anyone could feel that everything was perfect in their lives at that moment.
But it was eventually those very principles that made her so damned perfect, that had brutally slaughtered their relationship.
In those times in childhood when children decide the definitions and rules of friendship what Sandhya did had hurt her bad.
She remembered an incident when they were 8 year olds stealing melons from an orchard when Usha had been caught and Sandhya had managed to escape. Even at the cost of been given beatings Usha had never revealed her companion’s name. For her one of the ground rules of friendship had been loyalty.
Sometimes she wondered if Sandhya would have even had a slight doubt about the decision she made about telling the truth. After all these years; now when the incident itself seemed so trivial,Usha did not know why she had been hurt by her so called ‘trivial ‘business
But, it had mattered to her that Ajit was Sandhya’s husband.
Sitting in the hospital lounge awaiting her appointment with her doctor, Usha thought back to that evening in the room of the hotel.
Ajit was resting on the couch with a drink in his hand; she had been staring out at the sky from the balcony thinking of how to start the conversation about his wife.
“I saw your wife today”, she had remarked.
Ajit had looked up at her; she still could not fathom how looking at a person you love but can never have, could hurt you so.
“And?” he had ventured.
“I don’t know. It just got me thinking. She seems nice. Why do you stray?” she had asked boldly.
A sad smile had formed on his face.
“She is nice. I guess that is the problem. She is too nice and perfect that it makes me miserable. No one can live up to her. She is too darned perfect.” He had said.
“If she is perfect, then what am I?” she had asked.
“It’s not like that; it’s just that your sort of perfection is easier to live with.”
She did not know what had propelled her onto her feet. All she knew was something again had broken in her; and this time too indirectly it had been Sandhya’s fault.
“If this so called “perfection’ of mine makes it easier to live the deception that we are living, then I guess, you do not understand the meaning of perfection. And that’s sad, cause you have encountered it, almost everyday all your life in the form of your wife and failed to recognize it.” she had said calmly.
“It is over, Ajit. I had decided that after seeing your wife, but am glad you made it easier. Goodbye.”
She had gathered her things and walked to the door. Now thinking back, she did not know whether it was Ajit’s declaration of her ‘perfection’ or some long ago forgotten loyalty to her friend that had propelled her to act, but she had been glad she did.
She had bought the house on a loan. She had managed everything without anyone knowing .she knew her parents would not permit her to stay alone in her condition; she more than anyone knew she needed her solitude. She would ask someone to stay with her when she entered the last trimester. She had packed her belongings. It had been sad, as she packed her stuff away all alone. It was as if she had been burying the last 8 years of her life. All that remained to be done had been breaking the news to Ajit. She had gone to his office. She still remembered their conversation vividly.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Her ambition and love for freedom had seen to that she had no permanent relationship. A string of affairs was her personal history. And somehow she had preferred it that way. Both her parents had passed away longtime back. And today, at this point in her life, she felt the need of people, and somehow her ability to let people go did not seem too appealing to her anymore.
The week she had discovered it, she had been too shocked to even consider the notion. Her husband was cheating on her. And she had no idea how to deal with it.
To top it all, she was pregnant, finally. After many years, they had finally managed to produce a life, a child. And she couldn’t think of worse timing.
She had had no inkling or doubt about his fidelity, nor had she any suspicions.
So, it had come as a bigger shock when she finally discovered that the “Mrs.” in the “Mr. and Mrs. Ajit” checked in many times in one of the local five star hotel wasn’t her.
After the initial shock, she wanted to find out who it was that he was cheating on her with.
The numbness which finally came to Sandhya as she watched the earthy beauty clinging to the arms of her husband, as Sandhya walked across from them, unknown to them, was a relieving difference from the heart stabbing pain of realization of her husband’s infidelity.
It was as if somewhere in her subconscious she had always believed that, that particular ghost from her past to exact her revenge. And what better than to steal her husband from her. Somehow, that it was Usha in his arms seemed befitting revenge to Sandhya.
She had met Ajit when his company had approached her firm for some project regarding the building of his new office. What started as casual flirtation turned out into a full fledged affair, with them meeting everyday after their respective office hours. She found him interesting. He was honest to her; she knew that he was married and that he had no intention of making an honest woman out of her by divorcing his wife. But, that had suited her then.
As the initial thrill of the affair wore off, Usha alarmingly realized that she wanted more of him than a clandestine affair.
And in order to put across her intention to him, she had first to research his background. She wanted to see his wife.
She knew his wife was a book reviewer and at times could be found in the local library.
Hence, she once followed his wife, at a distance, across town to the library.
In order to get a closer look, she had entered the library to find her sitting at one of the corner tables engrossed in a book. The breath had caught in Usha’s throat. It was like she had waited and eventually found her nemesis in a spectre of a distant past.
The plain beauty sitting in the library was not as beautiful or accomplished like her, but as always, the quiet contentment reflecting from her still managed to arouse her insecurities.
Shaken, she had turned and left the library.
In the initial period of discovering his deception, Sandhya suffered alone. She did not want to reveal anything to anyone. She did not know whether it was pride or some twisted sense of self preservation that had sealed her lips.
She went around with her daily routine in numb automation. At points she clinged on to daily acts of mundane activity to keep her desolation from overwhelming her and at times she just slumped in some corner of her house hyperventilating and crying her eyes sore till she was too tired for anything else. The questions that arised; about what went wrong, about what was less in her, about whether her whole married life being a farce; did not have any answers.
She knew some day she had to face and answer them. But for now, she was not ready to keep her whole being on a platter to be any more trampled upon by her husband.
If the present problems were not enough, with infidelity and her pregnancy, she had to contend with memories of the past.
Usha, her competitor today, Usha her best friend then.
Friday, September 4, 2009
“Impulsive little ones”, she teased them good naturedly.
She remembered another time, when she, herself, brimming with happiness, was somewhat like the same apples she teased, unknowingly, setting herself up for hurt.
She had had the life she had wanted and planned. She had done well in academics, married well, and had a good job.
She was in love with her husband and had no doubt that he loved her too.
All she had wanted was a baby. Their baby. And it seemed even that was on the way.
But somehow, it was as if, after the perfection of her life till then, it had been time to balance it with heartbreak and unhappiness, as if some cosmic balancing mechanism wanted to put right the mistake it had made by providing a single entity with so much happiness, by raining down hurt.
Usha barely noticed the breeze lifting the strands of her black tresses and playing with them. Nor did she notice the world walking past her. The world spinning around her. It was as if she was trapped in a time wrap. A time wrap which hung only on the medical report in her hands. The medical report which in simple, cold, clinical terms said that she had leukemia, in its advanced stage.
She broke out of her reverie as a vehicle honked behind her.
The last visit to her physician regarding some routine fatigue problem had led to blood tests revealing an increased blood count of white cells.
Too shocked to think anymore, she slowly made her way to her car.
She knew it was time to subtract many years from her hypothetical assumption of the time span of her life. How was she supposed to do all the things she was supposed to do in her life? More than that, how was she supposed to figure out all those things before her time ran out?
Slowly the shock wore off as tears, as she slumped against the steering.
Sandhya walked back to the house, her mind engulfed in the memories of the past. She had always loved reading. More than humans she found pleasure in the company of books. Silent, giving, reliable and faithful books. All the peaceful and pleasant memories of her childhood were related to books in one way or another. She had graduated in library sciences. Hence, her job, which she applied for after her marriage to Ajit, was perfect for her. Her profile was of a book reviewer. She was supposed to read the book and prepare a review for it. She could not think of anything better. Reading was a pleasure and writing a hobby. Picture perfect.
Even her family, her parents and her in-laws, were glad for her. The job did not require much traveling and she could conduct her work from home.Ajit had seemed happy too.
But somehow, when she thought back now, she realized she never knew what was going on in his mind. The husband whom she had come to love and thought she knew had turned out to be someone else altogether.
He had been her father’s friend’s son. After the initial matchmaking ruckus by their parents, they had finally met and decided to get married. He was a mechanical engineer by profession, who had dreams of setting up his own business.
She had been attracted to his dynamism and energy; he in turn to her calm demeanor and simplicity.
Their marriage of 8 years had also been normal, with its usual ups and downs. She had thought he was satisfied with life, and she herself had been content.
Though she did not fancy their relationship to be the epitome of romance, she had had realistic expectations of harmony and satisfaction.
Why had he then felt the need to go to another woman?
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
it is no new fact that`i am in love with Bono's voice...i fell in love with a song in this movie..only to know that the singer/actor/composer is Irish.(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUy64Jx_9dY)
16. Tell me something about you that I dunno
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
she was aware of everything,but in such a way,as if all these stimuli came jarring at her senses,only to decide last minute to turn back.
the pain which was permanent in her moved a bit,but never dislodged.
in an immensely crowded sea of humanity,she felt cold and utterly alone.
her hands trembled,she knew it was time for one.
she turned and started walking fast,as if all the unseen demons of her world as well as the whole world were fast at her heels and made her way back to her room.
with clammy,sweaty hands she managed to unlock her door.stumbling inside she made way to her cupboard,searching for the box,the demons in her mind were screeching in her head and the ones at her heels were beginning to claw at her.
with shaking hands she opened the box and took out the Big O joint and lit it.
she took a deep drag and filled her lungs,and exhaled.
slowly,but steadily,the screeching and clawing faded.the world seemed to be behind unclear glass panes.she sank down on to the floor and leaned against the wall,taking in deep drags.
when she felt the calmness she was aspiring for settle over her,she made way to her music system and switched it on.
Pink Floyd filled the room and seeped into her senses.
she made way to her bed and lay down,staring at the ceiling.drug filled spirals made way up from her joint.
what had life ordered for her? Pain
what had she ordered with it?Papaver somniferum
a cynical smile touched her lips...when she thought...Pink Floyd and Poppies....at least life and herself..both agreed on some sort of link..correlation...so what if it was just a letter..."P"
through the spirals of smoke,she saw meadows of Opium plantations,beautiful flowers...somewhere..beauty had its use.
through that haze she saw better times,time where innocence and complete belief in life and oneself prevailed.
but instead of the usual stinging pain,she felt a peaceful pain settle over her.a pain which was very much a part of her,but could not touch her in any way.
she sighed,that was the thing with Morphine.
it had the properties of a stimulant as well as a sedative.
it depended on the user and his/her tolerance.she knew herself.she was in that state where she was calm,viewing pain with detachment.
she knew that there would be a point where extreme stimulation would take place,she awaited for it.
her mind dug out the words of the most vocal advocate of Opium.De Quincy's words ran around in her mind,
"happiness may now be bought for a penny,and carried in the waistcoat pocket"
indeed,she thought,what the bloody shit was happiness anyways?
this state of peace or the wild state of euphoric ecstasy she felt she was approaching.
she stood up,took a deep drag again,and looked at the mirror,the mirror had a crack midway,
in the clear part of it,she saw two lovers,holding each other,and when she looked at the crack,she saw it take its place between the couple,separating them,tears flowed from the lady's eyes,tears which formed a stream and then a river and then flooded washing away everything in its wake.
she violently turned away,she saw her bare wall,and saw barrenness,barrenness of a land not yielding crops,barrenness of a womb which could not sustain life,which in turn led to barrenness of life itself.
the walls started closing in on her.
she stumbled and dragging in her life force of Opium,pulled her Guitar,from its place and started playing with the music,strumming gently,violently,pulling,pushing,the strains of music filling her soul,drowning her in sorrow,pain and shredding hurt.
she played on and on.the music clashing with everything in her,the outside world,racing in her blood taking her to heights of pain from where she knew she would for one blessed moment reach that peak......that coveted peak.....
yes,she was approaching it,outrunning her demons........yes...yes...she was there....
that ecstatic feeling of complete happiness and peace descended on her,peace she knew was momentary,happiness of such heights that she knew there was no other place after that but the deep abyss of hell like torture.
she knew her sorrow would pull her down in a few moments,but for this merciful moment in stolen time,she was at peace.
she crashed down from there,and all the clash and clang,the jarring and swinge and swange of life assaulted her.
she felt tear stains on her cheeks and on her clothes,she looked at her hand and saw blood stains and rips in her skin for playing too hard.
what was happiness?
this co existence of pain and peace? this eternal chase of hurt after happiness,to find it and choke its life force?
this want to physically abuse and hurt oneself because dealing with physical hurt seemed easier?
her wrecked fingers mocked her.
she looked at her joint only to find it almost over.she got up to reach out for another.
Opium-medically used to treat insanity..to such an extent that now no one knew which was the cause and which the remedy.
she looked at herself in the mirror.
the crack ran right through her.
(author's note:this is for ppl who read this and get concerned about my well being.i havent started anything to be worried about.chill..people.this is medical knowledge and fiction talking.
Friday, July 24, 2009
just some memories of an amazing trip:
if ever,we feel ourselves to be the most important being in the whole wide world,or
Sunday, July 12, 2009
"ji,taxi mein bhaitiye"
"Cafe Leopold,pata hain kahaan hain?"
a sad smile.
"kaun bhool sakta hain,madamji?"
two heads turned and stared out of the window on their sides and were lost in morbid thoughts.
"where are the bullet marks?"
two pairs of eyes scanned the Cafe from the table they were sitting on.
"i think you should look behind you."
cracked glass,extinguished lives,cracked lives associated with the extinguished ones.
"and the ceiling and pillars."
neat holes,ugly marks.
"lets do it.i don't want to reach the limit of it.lets do it responsibly."
"do you think i have reached that state?"
"no,i don't think so.do you feel a buzz?"
vapours,volatile,swimming in system.
"i don't think you will do it.we only have ugly thoughts,making us feel guilty.but,when we come to the point where we can act on it,we wont,trust me."
"nowadays,am sure i will do it.just to hurt,immensely."
"then i pray to God,you get the chance to do something ugly,so that you realise the standards that you are made of.so that you realise that i am true,and see what i can so clearly see in you. the beauty and perfection that exist so harmoniously in you."
"shopping is sooooo cool!"
"yea..i feel as if i am healing."
giggles,addition to Indian Economy.
"i think i will buy this,what say?"
"that's retirement stuff,no...noo..thats after your first kid goes off to school....noooooo..maternity clothes!!!!"
"aaahhhh..what about this?"
frugal design,minimal fabric.
"how do i put it nicely?...hmmmmm S_E_X_Y?"
"i was thinking more on the lines of.....SL*T*Y"
unladylike laughter.grunts and snorts.
lovely day,amazing shopping,good food and.......
"hey..."giggles...."this day will go down memory lane and top it someday..."
"i think,you should fight for something so true."
"i so wish,i could.somewhere i know,i will."
station.alight.bye.one pair of eyes.
the remaining pair of eyes,looks out through the train window and drowns in past memories.
in this world,populated by a zillion souls,people name each other parents,friends,spouse,siblings,etc.
but there are moments in your life,when you look at the other person and realise that naming that relationship is like trivialising it,it means much more to you than what mere words can capture.
two such souls went about amassing memories that lazy afternoon,two people who still have a bit of idealism left in them,two hearts scared to face what adult life may offer but still excited about a lot of things,two beings who search for passion in everything they do,who are utterly comfortable in each other's presence..can spew even their ugliest thoughts without doubts.
if nothing else in life,i am thankful for experiencing this.
(author's note:this may not make too much sense.but it is close to my heart.)
Saturday, July 4, 2009
it was as if,people were waiting either for someone to guide them or for some inner voice to tell them what to do.they all looked so lost.
after being hustled around on a platform which would crumble any moment due to the excess weight of people on it,people on the railings on it,people on the benches on it and people on the people on it,i decided i have had enough and made my way back home,feeling really bad for myself that i had to wake up so early for no good reason.a dull drizzle just dampened my senses and spirits even more.
just as i was exiting the platform,i slowed down,like a heroine in a Bollywood flick,i turned around in slow motion and took in the view. i sucked in my breath,the massive amount of heads i could see left me staggered.
if someone terminated our species then and there,it is kind of staggering to think that annihilation of those many number of people will not cause any major difference.
my thought process started from there.
with a resource of population that should actually be other's source of envy and our source of productivity,where did we go wrong?
my mind just took up the case of Olympics.why don't we have the medals we deserve?
i shall enlighten thee,my fellow blog mates and readers.
when i run the marathon to catch my train,manage to hold on to it and get in,there are rare times when i look around and see a few fellow travellers running my race.
there,there go our best runners.running behind trains all their lives!
when i jostle and cram myself into crowded trains and get jabbed in the pit of my stomach with elbows,or clawed by nails or get black eyes(OK..exaggeration ),in between trying to save myself i rue the fact that there go our best candidates for martial arts and wrestling.
when i see fisher women and hawkers balancing their wares over their heads and still managing to hold their own so gracefully in jam packed trains,when i am always falling and tripping clumsily,i feel bad that most of them could have made us proud in balancing events,but are here selling stuff in trains were people cannot even appreciate their art,forget people,they themselves are not aware of it.
well,there you have it,these are my thoughts when i see people jumping over gutters,travelling on top of trains or squeezing their way in and out of compartments.
yes,my friends,all our Olympic stars are chasing trains,in the bid of living mundane lives and making ends meet.
with that melodramatic flourish,i sign out.....as
( because my thoughts are so profound :P)