Monday, March 30, 2009
how do you tell everything that is in your heart to someone who never needed words?
how do you tell that your heart in hurting badly to someone who always understood you without your uttering anything?
that's is the dilemma i face today as i write my letter to you,dear friend.
you were always a part of me as far as the reaches of my memories go and i also know you were very much there beyond those reaches of my time and thoughts. i know i am a few years too late,to write and inform you why i never visited again after you were sold.or why you never see me on the road were you stand,still and dignified. i guess,i needed time to get used to not having you around,i needed time to forgive the play of fate that took you away from the people who cared for you without measure,i needed time to let myself accept.
do you remember me when i was an infant? i have heard this story so many times from my grandma and dad. how after my mom delivered me,the first place they brought me to was the master bedroom,the room which later became grandma's room. how i was placed in that huge,sturdy wooden bed where for the first time my dad saw me,his daughter,kicking and punching imaginary dragons with her tiny legs and hands. i guess,that is why ,that room still remains one of my favourite places in you.don't you think we connected right at that moment when they brought me to you?do you remember our first meeting?
you were my grandpa's.he built you.he was a quiet,strong and peaceful man. when i see you,i feel he has passed on his qualities to you.
this doesn't mean i don't like any other part of you.how do i make you realise the beauty of the treasure of memories you have gifted me?
you represent some of the best part of childhood to me,a time of innocence,a time of play, a time of laziness spent without guilt or worry of life leaving you behind.
in the part of my heart where i store the special memories,memories that are too precious to be stored elsewhere,i see those times,playing cricket with my family in the courtyard,bathing with the pipe in the terrace and outside the kitchen,peering into the deep well,taking afternoon walks through the small wooded area behind you,with the sunlight filtering through the leaves,touching mimosa leaves and see them wither away,keeping the evening lamp near Tulsi,gathering flowers for the evening pooja,sitting on the porch and watching the rain,the smell of wet soil in the air and the utter peace that settles over me!! how can i ever thank you for all these?
you were my silent companion all through my formative years,mute witness to me as i went through the time spans of childhood to struggling adulthood,you were the witness as a young girl spun dreams,made plans,accepted and discarded principles and lived out her fantasies.
do you remember those lazy afternoons when i used to sit in the library room and pour over hordes and hordes of books?or the time when my cousin and myself were riding the high seas on the swing and fell on our butts? :P
do you remember my excitement to have a bath with the newly installed "phone shower" and the mango raids from the terrace?do you remember the fights we cousins had and my tree climbing cousins?the family functions when all of grand da's and ma's kids and grandkids gathered and had fun,going back with renewed belief in family and values?the dark storeroom where grandma stores the best delicacies? the mudcastles and sewage systems we cousins used to make?the saplings we planted?
you with your silent strength are witness to me growing up.no wonder my heart hurts when i think we will not possess each other as we used to.you were mine right from the time my life began and i was yours without me ever doing anything about it.
i remember all the cosy corners in the house in which i grew up,the house which had a cosiness in spite of being huge,spacious,airy and bright.
sometimes when i allow myself to get swayed by memories of bygone times,i feel like climbing the stairs and sitting down and resting my cheeks on the cool,dark steps. i dont let myself think beyond,the hurt is overwhelming.it is like etched somewhere in me and saddens me too much.
i may never in a long time come down your road,as it hurts me physically to see what i lost,but let me tell you,whenever i feel scared and lost in this big world,i think of you with your sunny rooms and happy times,i think of the memories both human and abstract which i have amassed along with you and because of you ...and i feel at peace.you give me strength,your enduring strength.
as i said before,you were a part of me....and you will always be a part of me.
i hope to meet you someday before i finally close my eyes. and though it seems remote,i hope we get to possess each other as we used to.
yours with all my heart and soul.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
but as we cats have 9 lives....we managed to hold on and made some happy memories along the way....
the stolen looks over teacher's head when we rarely had lectures..me trying to stifle yawns,JUJU having bladder trouble,NATU trying to stay awake,SAM not knowing where to look,SAILI ever the ideal student,MITS AND AARTI poking each other(guys,you changed us,...),FATU trying to out talk the teacher with questions,ESHRAT looking at everyone's faces...
MITALI: Hiii Anjana, heyyyyyyyy i am nowhere in the pic??????? tats sooooooooo sad.Anyways thanks for reminding all the fun we had. thanks yaar it feels really good but baad at the same time that we wud be done with all the fun, pranks we had........................
dear mits...i sure agree with you.....and here is one in which u r there....
thank god u cleared up that "screwing up the autoclave" part in the next para..... :P
have to thank u for keeping me sane for two years....couldnt have made it without you.
everytime i look at eshrat, i think, "thank god she has the patience to deal with fatima"....god knows noone else has, what would fatima have done without her, hats off to eshrat :)
mitali n aarti opened my eyes to my true self n my love for a person who inspires me to make aluminium foil jewellery :P
nathu n juju make me believe that every hinderance can be overcome with a calm n composed mind and ofcourse a pinch of NaCl :P
saili madam, the ever so helpful n sweetest of gals is the epitome of sincerity n tolerance. the mother teresa of the batch :)
actually as a group we taught each other so many things.....now i believe in the statement "everything that happens in life happens for a reason"
i think the liftguy might do a jhingalinga dance in the lift the day we leave... :D
n now that u have a comment as long as a blog post u dont have to worry about the empty space nemore :P
p.s. pls dont tell my bro about that dino wooppsie camel skeleton....had bragged the world about it :P
sam dear..you have my word for it....i wont even say.."boo" to your brother...as for the space..i knew i could count on you....and this photo is the ring you gave me..aluminium foil or not..my "rock" ROCKS!!!
i finally get to read sum form of ur writing..only u can do dis anjana..believe me it was a grt relief to know dat u r also in xavier's otherwise i was really worried how things will work without ne1 frm ruia...i got to know now dat its a camel fossil nd not dinosaur....surely had loads of fun along wid the fights and gonna miss it and m happy to knw dat u n sam got inspired by me n mits u both will go long way too...dont u think u shud get a solitaire from sam
thank you aarti..the feeling is mutual...as for solitaire...whatever is given with love..is all that matters... :P
Thursday, March 19, 2009
back to me..sitting staring at everything..and trying to process something.....
i don't how how to put it across but i sometimes wonder if people realise that too much or too little of everything is harmful,so what if it is love,principles,dreams....that a little love less given is less toxic than a whole lot of it given in the twisted form of clipping the wings of dreams or served on the platter of principles.that when you are yourself confused about what you want,you have no right to impose it on your near and dear ones in the name of love.
i feel,i have been writing a lot of "brain"related issues nowadays...i have to admit,i am a "brain"freak myself. as in ,i am completely in love with this organ. i completely dread the diseases that rob people of brain power(read"Alzheimer's,Schizophrenia or any other form of dementia") more than any other disease.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
To begin with, I am still in between my study leave. I am still in that state of mind where I am half normal (read: human) half abnormal (unhealthily). (Read :monster)
1.as stated above I convert into some weird hybrid of human and robot.that is most of the time,I am running dry on emotions and am running solely on brainpower.
2.people talking to me,at this particular time,will witness this peculiar time lag between their stating something and mine answering or responding to it.
3.coming to the “most of the time I am running low on emotion”statement. Yes,true. Most of the time.
4.I realize that even though I feel cut off from the world when I study….study holidays are actually the time I spent so much time catching up with friends,talking to them…even if it is snatched precious moments in time for a walk,a phone conversation,a window to window talk…..just about anything.
5.after my study session for the day,I crave rabidly for human contact…..
it is either me talking nonstop to a present or absent audience ..
or me just listening to the cadences of familiar voices..not actually listening..but just loving the feel of something normal …..
6.not to mention that my poor dad’s salary is spent mostly on getting me fuel to see me through these brain draining days…..
dad burns money over my fuel(read:food)….i accumulate the calories.
7.a very scary observation…study holidays are the most susceptible time to catch certain sickness..well yes..it is the time you are the most vulnerable to your past catching up with you,especially if it is something you want to hide under your carpet and forget all about. It affects you bad for the simple reason your emotional vs intellectual balance is badly screwed up during study time. So..take care…..
8.I generally catch up with my past piled up laundry,reading books like crazy,listening to music,brushing my teeth 1001 times ….as an excuse for a break…anything which kind of puts me back into some kind of schedule is welcome.
9.not to mention…sleep..i sleep like the God of sleep’s favourite prodigy….
Snap..and am there in sleeping paradise……..
”the connection between sleep and studies and possible cure to insomnia:studies”
(I know…I know..i started off cribbing about studies..but life is long..you never know when the study bug might hit you again)
10.i crib right left center forward…..
I swear right left center forward…(swearing is mostly in the mind…I want my parents to still think I am their little girl)
11.there is nothing more secure and warm than watching my mother walk around doing her chores and walking around as this is how a utopian world is supposed to be.
When I look at her…..i feel everything is right in the world…..(even if I am studying something as morbid as diseases)
Wrapped in a time bubble….which doesn’t go anywhere…
today I sign off as the….
Sunday, March 15, 2009
i generally have a structured thought process..when i start a thinking process i usually know,why i started it,where it will lead me to,what i want out of it and so on...
though i worship my brain,let me tell you at times,it leads to extreme exhaustion.
for the simple reason,when you take a break,your mind is till buzzing with thoughts,work to be done,music to be heard,errands to be run,hurt to be ignored,love to be proclaimed,responsibilities to be fulfilled and life to be lived..along with it the usual bodily functions which is necessary to be physically alive.
and to top it all,all these constant reminders in your brain are talking in your own voice!!
i ,at times wonder, where to run to to escape my voice. :(
one way i love to relax is to read and listen to music...one pitfall there....when i read,i cannot fall asleep ,cause the story usually holds me spellbound..and when i read(as in studies)i fall asleep pronto..it doesn't serve the purpose :P
as for music..if the lyrics or the singer's voice holds my attention,i cannot relax ,i so go in with the mood that i am usually active by the time the music ends...
so,i do this thing at times,i just let my brain take me wherever it wants to without resistance.
my mom is applying mehendi on my hair.what if i get up with an orange head tomorrow?donot expect me to lie against the input your eyes give me.you will look ugly .(that's my brain,talking.)
there is a bumble bee hovering near my face,does it think i am a flower?seems it is blind.
who the hell came up with the etymology "bum"ble bee. funny!reminds me of past instances and of my friends,especially sam and kk.
what would it be like to fly like the bees and birds,free from a "responsible"life and just living a"basic"life?
i think i should watch the movie"into the wild"again.refresh the feeling of living basic.
is love a biological function?because the only love i process as genuine is the parent -child bond.
again,is any other form of love a rare species?as i have so far come across very few "true"love stories.
i like the way Joe Elliott sings,
"Every dream I dream is like some kind of rash 'n' reckless scene"
the way he pronounces words makes me feel good. the only other singer who does that is Bono.
when he sings, i feel fluid and boneless.it is more than the music,lyrics and voice..it is the heart and emotion behind it all,which is so evident when they sing.
as for dreams,what is the whole use if they are not rash,reckless and kingsize.
back to love,from whatever i have seen,heard,felt and experienced, i feel "love"has found itself in shackles. makes me wonder if it only exists in books,movies and music. like the ideal state theorem.
i love the last sentence in these theorems
"ideal state is a hypothesis;nothing like it exists"
is love the ideal mirage humans have come up with to go through the desert of our lives?
why is it that when you go through a heartbreak ,it is called a part of growing up?
why is it that my brother is the only person i share an unconditional bond with?even if the only mode of communication we use is verbal assaults and that too a few pitches higher than usual frequency?
see.i still feel love is a biological function(my brain again)
why do i feel so weighed down(no,apart from my weight issues) when i study?
idiot,you are putting pressure on me,be careful,i may just flow out from the posterior part of your digestive system.-my brain
i ,at times dream of a star filled sky ,and me and my German Shepperd,lying on the soft grass and staring at them
i also dream of relaxing by lying down on that shifting boundaries,where the waves lap the shore....where i feel the constancy of the earth as it changes with each wave of water.as i feel my body soaking up that phenomenon... just like life shifting ever...but still constant......
there is this lovely dialogue i have heard...
"sometimes in life,it is more important to feel strong than be strong."
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
she hurried up the pathway.sensing his eyes on her. she smoothed her simple,blue sundress lifted her eyes and smiled at him.
he felt the warmth of sunshine wafting along wih her smile and the cool,evening breeze.he extended his hand to escort her inside the house,where all their friends had gathered.
she easily slipped her hand into his,feeling the quiet strength in it,strength she knew would endure long into their lives,much longer than their 5 year relationship.
he felt the trust in her fragile,well shaped hand and thought how well it fitted into his,perfect match.
as she circulated around talking and catching up with old friends,she became aware of the music in the background.most of them were her favourite tracks. her eyes searched and locked into his,asking him an unspoken question.
though his eyes followed her without his knowing so,he knew the exact moment her eyes formed the question,he smiled at her enigmatically.
as she enjoyed the company and food,she realised how satisfied she was with her life. and how connected she felt with him.childhood friends and then sweethearts. when she looked at him, walking around the room,but still so very with her every thought and also in it,she felt the similar sweet pleasure flowing through her,as it did every time,she saw him.
as she flowed through the room,chatting and obviously enjoying herself,he thought of how beautiful and radiant she looked,as always for him. a fine bone structure and strong lines physically,which emphasized an enduring character strength which gave him the courage to face life cause she was with him.
as she joined him on the dance floor,dancing to one of their favourite romantic song,she felt coccooned and protected from the world. when she looked out of the window she saw the beautiful sky and the sea,when she looked at him,she saw her world.
as he held her in his arms and as they swayed gently to the music,he felt tenderness stir in him.
as he looked down at her radiant face,he saw his life in her eyes and he knew that what he held in his arms was all that he would ever need to live his life fully.
he knew that the time had come,a day he knew would come,though through their relationship they had had their fights,making up,taking space and all the things that made up a relationship.
but all through it,he always felt that his heart would always belong to his childhood playmate and teenage sweetheart,the girl who reminded him of sunny days and innocence,the lady who had taught him commitment and tenderness, the woman who had his heart and kept it safely and securely in hers.
she stood looking at the sea,one of her favourite passtimes and felt relaxed and peaceful.they had hardly talked much but still she felt fine,after all he understood her inside out,with or without words.something which stems out of sharing a childhood when people can never hide their thoughts and journeying towards adulthood,when pride and ego at times kept necessary words at bay.but at those times,their childhood bond always rescued them.
after all,she thought,who better than him, who has seen me at my worst and best,to be in a relationship with.
the breeze lifted her smile higher as she realised another of her favourite tracks being played.
she turned to rejoin the party when she saw him walking towards her,all their friends were looking at the two of them,some of them couldnot resist smiling.she couldnot believe her eyes when she spied both of their parents somewhere in the background.
he reached her,bent down on one knee,outstretched his palm where he held a jewellary box.
her heart skipped a beat for a moment.the music reached its climax.
he flicked it open,nestled in its velveteen depths was a dark ruby twinkling back at her. an amber as intense and deep as their love.she looked at the unspoken question in his eyes.
she took a step forward and sat on his outstretched,half bent leg. with her fingers,she traced a path from his hairline,down his nose till she reached his lips.she closed her eyes.in that short time,her whole life flashed before her.he was there in each of her frames. she opened her eyes,tears brimmed in them and whispered,"yes."
under starstudded skies and among people who knew them and cared for them all along,he slipped the ring into her fingers.
as she threw her arms around him,he looked towards the heaven and sent a silent prayer to the forces who had led him home.
(author's note: well,this happens to me when i am high on music and on the brink of sleep. "yellow"by coldplay brought this on.and yea,i have been starving myself of M&Bs. sometimes,when you starve yourself of something,it is the only thing playing in your head.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Maybe I should take out more time for myself,then maybe I will feel less taken for granted and regain my esteem,she thought. How am I supposed to expect people to respect me when I myself donot do or feel so. How am I supposed to feel good?maybe I could do something creative,but what? Ohh God,help me out of this unwanted thoughts and the muckmire it creates,she pleaded.
Sam looked at the poster put up in front of her shop.
“indulge your imagination, turn designer this summer.
Calling out to all wannabe dsigners,freelancers and people out to have some fun.
Design an outfit for us and get a cash award if your entry gets selected”
She hoped that this worked.she knew that there would be a lot of junk entries,but if just one out of them inspired her or gave her a starting point,maybe that would be all that she needed.
Atreyi was having a good day,apart from the people looking at her as if she was from a different galaxy. Well never mind,her plans were falling into place. There were just a few people to be helped now.
Maya couldnot believe her eyes. Just what she needed. Who cared if she won as far as she could design. She ran into the shop ,took the paper and pencils and sat down to rack her brain to dig out the designs stored in some distant time zone in her grey matter.
“I tell you ,karan, you cannot just sit here doing nothing about having no job. Work doesnt just walk into your life,you are supposed to go look for it.”
Karan looked at his mother.he was used to this.but he just wanted to enjoy life at present.who cares right now for work,he thought.this was all because of Neil next door.
Similar birthdays and birthtimes were all they shared,the similarity ended their. Whereas Neil was hardworking ,determined and smart,Karan was lazy and hoped for things to be easier in life.
Well,if he doesn’t send out the appropriate wish soon his stars would just let him down.
Sam was astonished. The afternoon had seen many townpeople coming in to have fun.
She had enjoyed too,mingling with them. But what astonished her was the design she was staring at.she had just hoped for an inspiration,but she had got the whole job done. She just loved this design,from the moment she set eyes on it. she looked for the name.
Aaahh,she thought,illusion. What a dear one at that too.she smiled and got the prize ready with an offer.
Maya couldnot contain her happiness,not only did she have some thick wads of notes in her wallet,she felt much better and happy .and she had an offer too ,to freelance from home for the boutique.an offer she grabbed with both hands. She knew she could manage it with all the other work. Actually,she looked forward to it.
Enroute,she stopped at the fish market to get fish for dinner. She saw Rambau and went over and placed her order.
Rambau looked at his customer. He knew her .she was an old customer.
A harried mother of two.
Smiles seem to be brimming and overflowing from her,today.
He gave her,her order.
She gave a dazzling smile and said,”Thank you,Rambau.”
The dazzle of her smile put some fairy dust back into Rambau’s life.He smiled too and thought,maybe there is still hope for mankind. The goodlord save us all.
Maybe he should also shut down the shop early and go home for a family evening. After all,nothing was more important to him than his family.
“I told you to go look into that job opening,but no,you wouldn’t. Neil got through though,why don’t you ever listen to me…….”
He tuned out his mother’s words,yawned and went back to sleep.
Atreyi was tired after her day’s work. She had done almost everything set out for her by her boss. Except there was some frequency problem with some boy and his work related problem. Well,that was technical glitch,not her field. She slowly made her way back into the sea. Her boss alone knew,where her next tour would be,or for that matter where her colleagues had travelled. She had so much catching up to do before her next assignment.
Reaching her bed,she settled down for a short sleep before making way to the heavens.
Unknowing to her,little Dhruv looked out to the sea,hoping to see his lady star make her way back to the heavens.
Ajay looked through his telescope again and puzzled over the phenomenon he had been witnessing for the past couple of times.
Star disappearance. One night they are there,the next they aren’t, and then again they are there,only to disappear again after a while. He had heard about stars dying,but this was not the case. Well,maybe he could research on it. it seemed like an undiscovered phenomenon. He settled back for his backbreaking job.
Well,a day’s work is done,for me too. My employee is back in place,safe and sound. Ajay has his research topic,which he can try to fit into terms of physics,Maya has back her zeal for life,Samyukta’s blood pressure is back to normal,Rambau has his faith restored in mankind, &little children still believe in magic.
And yes,donot worry about Karan,his time will come too.
When his stars reach favourable positions and walk around in his life. It will take sometime. After all Atreyi has other places and people she is responsible for.
You ask me how?
well,I think you people have named it astrology.how stars and planets,
my employees affect your lives.well. this is how it is.and this was just one day from the life of one star.imagine all my stars and all you people.
And the time lag between your wishes and they becoming true is because,my stars are busy,but they are not uncaring,they will take their time,but you will sure have them walking around in your lives. And that is a promise. Work hard wish well, always, you never know if your star is around.
Ohh, you ask me, who am i?
hmm..mankind has tried defining me,sometimes accepting my existence, sometimes declining to accept it, sometimes sadly demeaning it and more frequently nowadays using it for their own sake. They search for me high and low,when all the time I am residing in them,helping those who have realized it to live full lives and trying to make those who have not realized it ,see the truth.
I am GOD (isn’t,that what you humans have named me?)
Have a happy life.
(author's note:i decided to write this after realising i have had enough of writing sad stories for the time being.and the idea formed in my head after having a conversation with a dear friend about astrology(i hope u recognise yourself,dear friend)it got me thinking about a fantasy story in which stars dont just sit in heavens,but walk the earth. remember..i told you,i have a thing with stars.
also,a recommendation,i have never known what to do where astrology was concerned. but i have never come across a well put explanation for it ,than what i have read in "the memoirs of a geisha".it is well worth a read.)
Monday, March 2, 2009
She is your typical working family woman. she had to mind her house, her family and the boutique she ran near the town market. She did these pretty well too.
But you know, sometimes I like to throw challenges at my players so that they donot become complacent. My dear Sam here was worried about a design for the summer collection she was expected to put up in a week. None of the designers seem to come up with anything original. Nor could she come up with any idea herself. Nothing seemed satisfactory.
Now you see, some of these humans are pretty hard on themselves,pushing themselves and all others around them for the best. Sam was that sort too.
“hey ,Sam .come on, join us,in the water,” her husband called out.
She shook out of her problems and pulled her daughter along into the warm waters.
“whats with you,Sam? Worried about something?” her husband asked
“nothing.just the usual. The summer collection problem.forget it” she replied.
“aaahh.the designs which donot appeal to you and the designers whom you torment.” He teased back spraying her with water.
She ducked to avoid the spray and grinned. “you bet,mr.brains.any
brainwaves to help us lesser mortals out?”
“my sand castle is better than their’s .dont you think so ,daddy?” interrupted their daughter.
“yes my sweetie..”he said and pulled his daughter onto his shoulders.
Looking at sam he said,
”that just maybe your answer.like comparing sandcastles,compare designs you have never seen.. Expand your search. Ask people to freelance.maybe you may just get what you want.”
She stood in the warm waters chewing on the idea.
No one ,but a few children playing on the beach saw a shimmering lady come out of the green waters and walk towards town. Atreyi,who had begun her work,by granting her first customer her wish. A solution to her summer collection problem. As for the children who saw her, they never told anyone,they just looked at themselves and went back to playing. Well, it really seems even kids are growing up too fast nowadays,they know when their parents will believe them and when they wont.
Sad,don’t you think so?
In another part of town,Maya looked at her bills.a house wife,with two children and a husband who is an engineer,she had the usual monotonous but secure life which involved keeping the house,paying the bills,cooking meals,looking after the children’s studies and after her husband’s well being. A job which is hard but rarely appreciated and very frequently taken for granted.
But today was different. She was tired.tired of the monotony and pace her life had taken. Like many other women like her,she had kept aside tentative dreams as she stepped into matrimony. Her life thereafter was such a whirlwind that those dreams blew away with them.dreams of becoming a fashion designer But as life progresses.it seems these human species have the habit of thinking back and digging out regrets which later on taunt them.
Well,today was such a day for dear Maya.
On sudden impulse she threw the bills aside and decided she would have the afternoon to indulge herself. Maybe go in for a shopping spree. Anything to do with pampering oneself. A day just for herself before her children and husband returned home.
Rambau looked at his customers. There was chaos all around him in the fish market. He owned this place. But felt very much tired and disheartened today. A fight in the morning with your better half is no way to start a day. And to be called inconsiderate was really not fair. He had spent half his life in this market,bringing up business not be called inconsiderate,only so that his family would be better off,his children could study and get away from this life. He sighed. And to top it,today the customers also seemed irritated. He really was feeling old and tired and was sick of customers who treated him less of a human just because he smelt of fish.after all he also worked hard for a living,like most of them. And these people ,no courtesy at all,not even a thanks for all the cutting ,selling and haggling he did for them.such is life,he thought and went about his work.
As Atreyi walked about town,looking like a normal pretty lady in shilmmering clothes,she tried to tune out the clamour in her head. She could hear thousands of voices,praying out for wishes. But she had only a select few to answer. That was what her job was. She tried to tune into the waves she was supposed to catch.