the man

note: this is a warning..highly mushy stuff ahead,be ready to slip and lose your heart...

What do you search for in your life partner? the elusive “x” factor making him different from all the other men in your  life….I don’t know about people in general…but I can try to put into words what I feel I search for as I my eyes wander towards the horizon searching for prince charming to appear on his noble horse!

The concept of prince charming…tall, dark, handsome.well...tall is appealing and dark is mysterious….handsome doesn’t matter at all….there is something about life which makes it perfect…the thing is imperfection. When you look at someone and see their imperfection and realize that you love that person just the same or maybe more for it...that's when u realize the extent of your love for yourself, that’s when you are able to forgive yourself, the world and every small and big things wrong in your life and are able to move on, its through these imperfections in yourself and others that you glimpse the perfection of life.so..Physical perfection isn’t too big a deal; character perfection is what it is all about.

He should be rich in the simple treasures of life….integrated in his work. And find satisfaction in it….he should have the ability to see the simple humor  hidden in every aspect of life as it unfolds. A heart full of love…love that can cherish, sustain, heal and soften the blows which at times are a formality of life.

He should be the one invoking the primitive passion in you during long nights and thunderstorms…the tenderness in you as he wanders stumbles and then straightens as he tries to find his path through life….the peace in you as you share a drink during the warm October evenings on the swing on your porch….

He should d music to which your soul is tuned to, as you travel on the road of your destiny…you should be stamped on to each others mind, body and soul in such a way that when during d fall of your lives when you look at each other you see the maps and directions of a life well lived and cherished……

His should be the face which makes you realize that even if life isn’t as you expect it to be; everything is and will be alright in your world because he is with you.

I guess, I always try to find answers and learn my lessons from what is offered to me for free…nature…it offers you her(I can bet on my soul that nature is a “she”) essence for free. It’s just us humans, who always put a worth on our souls and thus take away from it its pricelessness...

And what she has taught me in this matter is this…..

The perseverance of the earth

The vastness and stability of the sky

The adaptability of water

The energy and vibrancy of fire

The spirit of wind.

Well. give me a guy like this…in whose arms as I fall asleep every night treasured and known…. feeling safe…that even if I don’t wake up again there was some one with whom I entrusted my legacy. Someone who knew me and my essence and loved me nonetheless (see…its the human thing of looking for his worth is someone else’s eye),some one through whom I live on and that I sleep in the arms of my destiny and always wake up in heaven. (Either ways..dead or alive)

signing off.

ice-mushi-ness

life on its own terms....

He got down from the bus and started walking towards home.the afternoon sun beat down mercilessly on him.but he was not aware of it,he was too busy munching over his problem.Uday did not know,what to do and how to get on with this particular problem.he had finished his graduation in Commerce,along with a 3 year course in Animations from a reputed institution.he wanted to pursue an advance course in Animations as his masters,but for his dad.he sighed.his dad wanted him to remain in the field of commerce,get a management degree and start a business with him.which was not what Uday wanted.
he was sick of all the arguments,fights and cold wars between him and his dad.home was not the same with so much tension hanging in the air.even mom and sis,both who are usually vibrant and vivacious,seem to be quieter these days.
damn,how were you supposed to get your way in life,without hurting your parents.
how did and why did his dad expect him to live a life,which he could not even think of.the very thought made him miserable,he had his own plans..he wanted life on his own terms...





she looked down at the form in her hand.and looked out of the window at the everlasting silken skies.
the sense of freedom was exhilarating.so near,she only had to reach out.
her hand tightened around the form.she had finished her post graduation in literature and was ready to face a free life.but ,her parents wanted her to marry.the very thought made her nauseous.
Nandita thought about her life,she had not finished her education for jumping straight into the next thing which would put shackles around her feet.her eyes strayed to the guitar in the corner of her room. it was like an extension of her,she was a part of a rock band,"psycho curls".she and few others had formed it during their degree years,she was their lead guitarist.now 5 years later,here was a chance at international exposure.if she filled the form and submitted it,their band would have to go to Dublin for a Rock fest,where if they get noticed,maybe there would be some chance at recordings.she did not envision a famous lifestyle,but she sure wished for a musical one.
how was she supposed to make her parents agree,that she did not want a marriage right now,she wished for a nomadic lifestyle..that wanderlust beckoned her.
she looked at herself in the mirror,huge brown eyes stared back at her.eyes which could change shades according to her mood and the play of light,eyes which made people stop in their tracks. she knew she had beautiful eyes,a gift from her mother.but while playing on stage,she generally made her curls fall over them,so that no one noticed her for her looks,but only for what she played on the guitar,for her potential.
she loved her mom,but she did not wish to be like her,her mom had an amazing voice,but she had kept aside her musical ambitions to marry and start a family..Nandita did not want the same to happen to her.she wanted life on her own terms........




Raj looked at his wife,sleeping beside him,blissfully unaware of his tumult.he tossed and turned in his bed.he had had enough of his boss.after so many years of service in the company,he was devastated not to be promoted,just because the boss wanted someone from his family to take over.he had not tolerated so many years of his boss's interference in his work for this day. the day,he found out about his non existent promotion,he had thought of a way to escape,he wanted out of working under someone.maybe he could start a family business,with Uday.
after Nandita's marriage,maybe he could think about quitting his job.there were problems,with Nandita's reluctance to get married..when had his daughter grown up...he thought wistfully.
and yes,there was Uday's case,how was he supposed to convey to his son that working for someone would only lead to where his dad stood today.doing your own thing was the way....to live life on their own terms............




Vaidehi sipped her cup of tea and watched the dawn break over the horizon.she always got up early before her family did and watched the sun rise sitting in her kitchen table.this was her moment of peace in the whole day.
today,the worry lines showed on her face.
she was worried about Raj and his office condition,sometimes she did not know what to tell him,that to let things be or that he was right in wanting out.she did not know,whether she wanted to burden him with the usual things which had kept him going all these years,family,kids.their studies,now Nandita's marriage.it was not fair,she knew..but she understood how he felt,unlike what he thought.
during the early years of their marriage,her in- laws had taken time to adjust to her.there had been moments when she had wanted to give up,but she had pulled on.eventually,they accepted her as their own,but it took time..she knew how it felt for him,with his boss constantly interfering and favouring his family above him.....


after 25 years of marriage,she knew all about how adamant he was.did he not realise in that case,Uday was more his son that hers,she smiled ruefully.


and her daughter,Nandita,she knew what she wanted.one headstrong lady she was!and though it could really get tough for Vaidehi at times,she could not deny the fact that she was proud of her daughter.her beautiful,talented daughter.
she knew,what Nandita thought about her.that how could she have kept her singing talent aside to take care of her family.Vaidehi knew,Nandita loved her unconditionally,but did not want to end up like her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that life did not end with marriage,people could make careers work,it her case,it was her own preference to stay at home,not something forced on her.
she wanted to tell her daughter,that though there were many aspects of her which reminded Vaidehi of herself,there was more to her than that..that she believed that her daughter could make both family and career work....however weird her career choice was..there would be someone who would love her for it and together they could make it work....
she sighed..how come necessary words become so difficult..how come everything gets trapped in pride and ego....how come everything gets so complicated.....everyone seemed to want life on their own terms...without making an effort to understand and accommodate each other..after all what are we..but our relationships...


the world around her woke up slowly...she started making way around the house to start her day's activities..
she spied something on the living room table.making way towards it..she was that it was a gift wrapped box..curious she picked it up to read the name on it..to her surprise she saw her name on it..slowly she unwrapped it to find..a beautiful Saree from Raj,a CD of her favourite songs from Uday and a book from Nandita.

tears filled her eyes as she looked up to find all of them,sleepy eyed waiting for her response...
"thank you",she whispered....


Raj took her in his arms.

"Happy Women's Day",Nandita and Uday shouted...as they all hugged each other......

unable to contain her smiles and tears..she thought..oh yea..it is worth all the complications...it sure is worth it....in whichever terms......




(author's note: a dedication to all the Mothers in this world, a person whom we take for granted,whom we cannot survive without..and who loves us and is loved by us unconditionally..who understands us...even if we think she does not..and who requires her own space...and has her own right to maintain her individuality.....she is the best and the noblest embodiment of a woman's role....... with loads of love and thanks...and yea...to all the ladies,out there..Happy women's day)

of wishes and horses....

back again to my routine extreme moodiness...last post was the result of the waxing and waning of the moon..causing it to affect my zodiac sign..leading to 'crash and bang..flat out".
well,people who know am are well accustomed to my moodiness,a bane of my zodiac.
after ,the lowest of swings its back on the upward track...


well,my random post of the day is..what all i would love to do..for a living...
here is a list of things...that should be my work..after all..shouldn't you enjoy your work..for it to turn out best...


1.mix matcher..
now this is a term i use loosely to define my way of dressing.i love mixing and matching my outfits and accessorizing them.
i can quote an example in which i once wore a kurta made of a dupatta of another dress,a salwar of another dress,and a dupatta specially bought for the dupatta sacrificed into a kurta...
come on girls,where is the fun if you don't experiment...my motto,"recycle and reuse...."
somehow,i know..i end up looking like Ms.Clairvoyance-on-bad hair day,but no one has ever complained that i am dull and i enjoy the process tremendously,be it searching for matching earrings or an additional silk scarf.....
i have once sat cross legged on the road,picking out sets of matching earrings....
the more it is eclectic the better....
i dream of opening a boutique in the future in which ladies can spend their worthwhile time getting anything and everything they want and go out looking happy and different!!!


2.interior designer.
 now,if you give me your dream house and you take me around it explaining what you feel about each room and what you visualize in them,i would love to work on that feel and let my imagination run riot....so,be it a romantic.cozy corner in your house or the kitchen....i would love to make use of everything than can be used or remodeled and just give the place  the "feel" what one is looking for.( a la Kate Crawford from the book "Dead Stylish" by Lisa Armstrong.)

cozy corner

3.a super amazing chef...
.i would love to open my own little cafe and just experiment away to oblivion. and of course,my food has to come out slurpilicious..otherwise what is the use!!


4.a swimming instructor...
and..more than minding my students....i would gracefully swim away into the sunset as a mermaid...as if every drop of water and i are made for each other....sighghghg
`
5.an Egyptologist..
and look all important and intelligent as i decode hieroglyphics and escape from mummies from hell.. 
(yes yes,Evelyn Carnahan of "the mummy")


6. a symbologist..a la..Robert Langdon......
there sure is something so mysterious about hidden messages from civilizations far gone and a world shrouded behind the veil of time.....


how i wish was a time traveller!!!!
maybe the crazy scientist in me can build a time machine!!!

7.well,as you all know my lifelong desire to be a farmer....i would at least love a kitchen garden,growing fresh produce,walking through it each morning and picking the fruits and vegetables required for the delicacies gracing the menu of the day...
and at the end of each season,take the excess produce and pickle or jam them into tins and store them away...
of course everything has to taste awesome!!!


8.a healer: 
i would love to open a centre which specializes in holistic healing,where not only the localised disease is treated,but the patient as a whole...i always believe,that after a period of disease,not only the body,but the mind and soul also require peace and time to heal.

my centre would specialise in all forms of medicine,modern to pagan.(i am fascinated by energy healing in Ayurveda,and the traditions of the Red Indian shamans,the Hawaiian kahunas,etc)






well,this is my la la land...and as you all know about my horse ranch ambition.....i will end this by.....this saying...

'If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible'.-Soren Kierkegaard 


but i cant also help but be cheeky....by adding...



Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be. :P


signing off.....
yours..
iceprincess.

silent waters...

starting off after a long time..talking to Sam yesterday..made me do this..i have to write..no matter what..maybe i am pulling down some walls i built recently...and exposing my insecurities...but doesn't matter....i know..i have to write....somewhere deep within me...that urge to pick up the pen has made its way out...so here goes..another dose of random madness.


i do not know what has happened to me.....i feel dull as ditch water..(i personally don't know who penned this phrase...ditch water is anything but dull)....you will not believe how many days i have sat staring at the screen...how many days i have read and re read stuff i have written and thought...at least that lady i was in my past managed to write...what happened to her? i read comments from previous post and try to write..i read previous posts and try to write...and all i manage is the first few lines...beyond which...its an infinity of blankness.....for a writer..it is darkness....:(

i sometimes feel 24 hours a day is less...there are so many things to do...and so little time....am like this rabid person trying to fit in 1001 thing in her 24hour schedule or..i just laze around with a book ...not getting out of bed for more than 6 hours at a go...only getting up for the basic necessities of food,loo,etc.

in the past few months i have hogged on so many murder stories that i don't think anything can ever surprise me regarding the depraved depths of human imagination or human cruelty.....one serial killing after another...i was on a serial murder story reading spree.....

it is weird a times,when you want to escape into your wonderland because real life scares you......
expectations,responsibilities,points of views...sometimes....i feel i would give anything to get away from all of it...and i feel guilty about that feeling..are you not supposed to be grateful for everything?
everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life...except the one who matters the most...you ..yourself....

sometimes,the so called norms of the society have it in them to suffocate you with invisible hands..and all you want to do is fly away from this open cage........be it cowardice...it sure is relief....

there are times,i imagine just walking out of my front door and go wherever the path beneath my feet take me  and never returning till i find out what gives me peace...what stops this turmoil inside me......i just want to do things which give me satisfaction and that too with passion..i do not want to live a compromised life...

The thing i hate the most is the saying.."life is not perfect...life is not fair..learn to adjust.."

f*** anyone who says it.....and only adjust when the feeling comes directly from the depths of your heart..not because you have no other options.....

when i look around at the world...at every person on the road..all i can think is ....are they happy?that they adjusted into what life shoved on to them?or are they happy that they had the strength to shove back...and reach for their dreams?

my mind is like silent waters...calm and functioning with so called normalcy from outside...but running dark and deep,criss crossed with currents...from inside pulling you in all directions.....

maybe i have hit my midlife crisis.......i have no idea what i wrote...just raw and fresh......makes me feel kind of vulnerable..but i guess.....there will be people out there who relate to this...and need this.....to know that they are not alone......

well,feels good to be back......
signing off,
ice-midlife crisis-ness.