Tar

she stood in the middle of a crowded junction,vehicles zipped past her,people jostled and pushed her,the honks of cars and the screeches of vendors,reached her ears without reaching it completely.

she was aware of everything,but in such a way,as if all these stimuli came jarring at her senses,only to decide last minute to turn back.
the pain which was permanent in her moved a bit,but never dislodged.
in an immensely crowded sea of humanity,she felt cold and utterly alone.



her hands trembled,she knew it was time for one.
she turned and started walking fast,as if all the unseen demons of her world as well as the whole world were fast at her heels and made her way back to her room.


with clammy,sweaty hands she managed to unlock her door.stumbling inside she made way to her cupboard,searching for the box,the demons in her mind were screeching in her head and the ones at her heels were beginning to claw at her.



with shaking hands she opened the box and took out the Big O joint and lit it.
she took a deep drag and filled her lungs,and exhaled.
slowly,but steadily,the screeching and clawing faded.the world seemed to be behind unclear glass panes.she sank down on to the floor and leaned against the wall,taking in deep drags.
when she felt the calmness she was aspiring for settle over her,she made way to her music system and switched it on.
Pink Floyd filled the room and seeped into her senses.

she made way to her bed and lay down,staring at the ceiling.drug filled spirals made way up from her joint.
what had life ordered for her? Pain
what had she ordered with it?Papaver somniferum
a cynical smile touched her lips...when she thought...Pink Floyd and Poppies....at least life and herself..both agreed on some sort of link..correlation...so what if it was just a letter..."P"

through the spirals of smoke,she saw meadows of Opium plantations,beautiful flowers...somewhere..beauty had its use.
through that haze she saw better times,time where innocence and complete belief in life and oneself prevailed.
but instead of the usual stinging pain,she felt a peaceful pain settle over her.a pain which was very much a part of her,but could not touch her in any way.
she sighed,that was the thing with Morphine.
it had the properties of a stimulant as well as a sedative.
it depended on the user and his/her tolerance.she knew herself.she was in that state where she was calm,viewing pain with detachment.

she knew that there would be a point where extreme stimulation would take place,she awaited for it.
her mind dug out the words of the most vocal advocate of Opium.De Quincy's words ran around in her mind,
"happiness may now be bought for a penny,and carried in the waistcoat pocket"
indeed,she thought,what the bloody shit was happiness anyways?
this state of peace or the wild state of euphoric ecstasy she felt she was approaching.

she stood up,took a deep drag again,and looked at the mirror,the mirror had a crack midway,
in the clear part of it,she saw two lovers,holding each other,and when she looked at the crack,she saw it take its place between the couple,separating them,tears flowed from the lady's eyes,tears which formed a stream and then a river and then flooded washing away everything in its wake.

she violently turned away,she saw her bare wall,and saw barrenness,barrenness of a land not yielding crops,barrenness of a womb which could not sustain life,which in turn led to barrenness of life itself.
the walls started closing in on her.

she stumbled and dragging in her life force of Opium,pulled her Guitar,from its place and started playing with the music,strumming gently,violently,pulling,pushing,the strains of music filling her soul,drowning her in sorrow,pain and shredding hurt.

she played on and on.the music clashing with everything in her,the outside world,racing in her blood taking her to heights of pain from where she knew she would for one blessed moment reach that peak......that coveted peak.....
yes,she was approaching it,outrunning her demons........yes...yes...she was there....
that ecstatic feeling of complete happiness and peace descended on her,peace she knew was momentary,happiness of such heights that she knew there was no other place after that but the deep abyss of hell like torture.

she knew her sorrow would pull her down in a few moments,but for this merciful moment in stolen time,she was at peace.
complete peace.


she crashed down from there,and all the clash and clang,the jarring and swinge and swange of life assaulted her.
she felt tear stains on her cheeks and on her clothes,she looked at her hand and saw blood stains and rips in her skin for playing too hard.

what was happiness?
this co existence of pain and peace? this eternal chase of hurt after happiness,to find it and choke its life force?
this want to physically abuse and hurt oneself because dealing with physical hurt seemed easier?

her wrecked fingers mocked her.
she looked at her joint only to find it almost over.she got up to reach out for another.

Opium-medically used to treat insanity..to such an extent that now no one knew which was the cause and which the remedy.

she looked at herself in the mirror.
the crack ran right through her.

(author's note:this is for ppl who read this and get concerned about my well being.i havent started anything to be worried about.chill..people.this is medical knowledge and fiction talking.

:P

)