take away my pain.

(no..this has no relation whatsoever to the song with the same title by "Dream Theater"
though it is an absolutely wonderful song..recommended to progressive metal fans)

Dear son,
I feel I should have written this letter earlier,or at least tried to contact you.but you know as we,older generation are from a different school of thoughts,a generation which finds talking about world affairs and the weather easier than expressing matters of the heart,I finally decided writing about matters of the heart is easier than standing in front of you and expressing.
I know,you have still not forgiven me,for giving up on her,but know that it was hard on me too.after all I have spent my entire life,almost 40 years with her,she is the witness and owner of a legacy called my life,a legacy of memories,moments of happiness and sadness,of two beautiful children we are proud of,and just the plain acceptance of each other.
Her legacy is safe with me,I will always carry it around in my heart and cherish it.

Know that it was difficult for me to give the doctors permission required to stop the ventilator which kept your mother alive.
But I had a decision to make,a decision which was pending for the past 2 years she was asleep,in her coma.i have spent enough time blaming the disease which took away her life slowly and eventually put her to sleep.but I know her enough to know that she would have wanted us to move on,live the life that she considered a gift from Almighty.
I made the decision for you and your sister,because I know you will not have been able to make it,because I know I have to live for you,my children.
because our lives had come to standstill.

I remember her,with the sun reflecting off her radiant face,the breeze lifting her hair all around her face,the shimmering sea in the afternoon heat and the hum of afternoon namaaz from the mosque standing in the still waters.
She was smiling,a peaceful smile,never has she looked more beautiful to me than at that moment,I have always been aware that she was beautiful,but that day I had a renewed awareness that her beauty was not just skin deep,what gave additional luster and spark to her physical perfection was the glow from within,the inner source of peace,which made her soul beautiful,which in turn overflowed into her physical existence.
In the sweltering humid heat of Bombay’s summer,an angel touched my life and showed me life’s perfection and beauty.

I will always remember her like that,son,
and I want you to remember her like that,as the woman,who loved her life too much to just wait around.
I know what picture of your mother I will be carrying with me,until the moment I close my eyes for the final time and beyond that.
The question is which one do you want to carry?
The mother who loved you unconditionally and imbibed in you her zeal for life or the frail woman fighting to stay awake knowing that she may never wake from the sleep which finally overcame her,a sleep which was not final in the way,it should have been.

The realization that you find it hard to forgive me hurts me,but I can understand.
I will however ask you to come meet me sometime even if you cannot forgive me. A few words,even if it is hurting would bring peace to a father’s heart than silence,my son.
Know that I love her with all my heart,that for me she lives on through you and your sister.

I see her in you and your determination for achieving what you want in life .
I see her in your sister’s eyes and her kindness to people.
Please come home.
as I said before I may find it hard to express my feelings in words,but these arms ache and long to hold you.
I have lost a major part of my heart and soul,please don’t take away the remaining parts.
Forgive me.
i love you.
Always with you in thoughts and prayers,
Your father.