silent waters...

starting off after a long time..talking to Sam yesterday..made me do this..i have to write..no matter what..maybe i am pulling down some walls i built recently...and exposing my insecurities...but doesn't matter....i know..i have to write....somewhere deep within me...that urge to pick up the pen has made its way out...so here goes..another dose of random madness.


i do not know what has happened to me.....i feel dull as ditch water..(i personally don't know who penned this phrase...ditch water is anything but dull)....you will not believe how many days i have sat staring at the screen...how many days i have read and re read stuff i have written and thought...at least that lady i was in my past managed to write...what happened to her? i read comments from previous post and try to write..i read previous posts and try to write...and all i manage is the first few lines...beyond which...its an infinity of blankness.....for a writer..it is darkness....:(

i sometimes feel 24 hours a day is less...there are so many things to do...and so little time....am like this rabid person trying to fit in 1001 thing in her 24hour schedule or..i just laze around with a book ...not getting out of bed for more than 6 hours at a go...only getting up for the basic necessities of food,loo,etc.

in the past few months i have hogged on so many murder stories that i don't think anything can ever surprise me regarding the depraved depths of human imagination or human cruelty.....one serial killing after another...i was on a serial murder story reading spree.....

it is weird a times,when you want to escape into your wonderland because real life scares you......
expectations,responsibilities,points of views...sometimes....i feel i would give anything to get away from all of it...and i feel guilty about that feeling..are you not supposed to be grateful for everything?
everyone has an opinion on how you should live your life...except the one who matters the most...you ..yourself....

sometimes,the so called norms of the society have it in them to suffocate you with invisible hands..and all you want to do is fly away from this open cage........be it cowardice...it sure is relief....

there are times,i imagine just walking out of my front door and go wherever the path beneath my feet take me  and never returning till i find out what gives me peace...what stops this turmoil inside me......i just want to do things which give me satisfaction and that too with passion..i do not want to live a compromised life...

The thing i hate the most is the saying.."life is not perfect...life is not fair..learn to adjust.."

f*** anyone who says it.....and only adjust when the feeling comes directly from the depths of your heart..not because you have no other options.....

when i look around at the world...at every person on the road..all i can think is ....are they happy?that they adjusted into what life shoved on to them?or are they happy that they had the strength to shove back...and reach for their dreams?

my mind is like silent waters...calm and functioning with so called normalcy from outside...but running dark and deep,criss crossed with currents...from inside pulling you in all directions.....

maybe i have hit my midlife crisis.......i have no idea what i wrote...just raw and fresh......makes me feel kind of vulnerable..but i guess.....there will be people out there who relate to this...and need this.....to know that they are not alone......

well,feels good to be back......
signing off,
ice-midlife crisis-ness.